Does my husband love me?
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Does my husband love me?
| Sat, 01-03-2004 - 2:14pm |
Hi everyone! I am so happy that I found this message board. I need some advice. This is going to be rather long, so I'll go ahead and get started. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have 3 beautiful children, 2 boys (8 & 10) and 1 little girl (1 year old). When we dated my husband treated me disrespectful. He would break up with me so he could go and party with his friends and do whatever he wanted to do, then he would call a day or two later and apologize and say he was wrong and he wants me back. Of course, I would take him back. When we were together, we never did anything with his friends. We would go out to eat and to movies all the time alone. I have always had a very low self esteem because I don't think I'm very pretty and I always thought that if I let him go that I would never find anyone again. So, when he asked me to marry him I said yes. From the very beginning it was tumultuous. He was in the Marine Corps. We are from Georgia and he was stationed in California. So, at 18 I was 3,000 miles away from my family. I was very lonely because he worked during the day and went to school at night. When he was at home, he would spend all of his time drinking and partying with the neighbors. I started to notice then that he would give more attention to the pretty women that lived around us than anyone else. He would stare at them in a way that would make me and them uncomfortable. When they were around he would treat me different, as if I wasn't there. If I said anything, he would deny it and get very angry. Well, 10 years and an infidelity later he is the same way. When we go out to a movie or to eat, he ogles women to the point of obsession and acts like I'm not with him. When there is a pretty woman around or on television, he literally cannot help but look at her (he denies this). He even ogled his brother's wife, who is admittedly very pretty. She was sitting on the couch and leaned over. He looked down her shirt. She and I saw him and we were both horrified. When we lived in North Carolina, we had our first child. He would work all day, come home at night, eat supper and go fishing. I told him several times that I am lonely and I need him to be there at night so I can be with him and he would ignore me and go anyway. He's done that with pretty much anything he wanted to do. He doesn't care if he hurts me. He looks at porn when I'm not home even though I've told him it hurts to know that he waits for me to leave so he can pull up an internet site, but he won't look at it with me. When I told him that it bothered me, he just started hiding it better (he actually taped a porno at his friends house with our video camera and then hid the tape so I couldn't find it, but I did anyway). He won't even consider using any kind of "toys" in the bedroom. He doesn't go out fishing or with the guys anymore, but he doesn't spend that time with me either. He's always on the computer. The only time he spends any time with the kids is if I guilt him into it and then he'll take them with him to do something he wants to do, not something they want to do. Most of the time our 2 boys get on his nerves and he can hardly stand to be around them, but he loves our little girl very much. You can see it in his eyes when he looks at her. I have worked and worked on our relationship while he does nothing and acts like it's no big deal. I would love to have a mutually satisfying relationship, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to leave him because I have 3 young kids and a low paying job. Also, I always said that when I get married it would be forever. Does anyone have advice for me. I'm on the inside so maybe I can't see the obvious answer. If any of you do, can you please tell me what it is? Does it sound like he has never loved me and I have just been fooling myself for 11 years or am I just too insecure and jealous?

Certainly, no one should be treated the way that you have been. I do think that more than anything, you need to feel good about you. Start to do things that make you happy. Lunch with friends, jogging, a hobby. Take a class to learn new things and to meet new people. Look for a better job. (I know, hard to find, but if you don't look, impossible to find)A new hairstyle and clothes. Build a life that makes you happy without your husband's attention. Confidence is always attractive.
If a friend/family is the focus of your husband's lewd looks, talk to them. They would be doing you a favor if they pointed it out to their husband/boyfriend. Maybe if everyone didn't just ignore your husband's behavior, he wouldn't be so quick to do it. (of course, I'm not condoning punches in the nose or anything else violent)I can guarantee you that women do not appreciate his behavior and think that he's a jerk.
Most of all,consider counseling for yourself. I doubt he'd go without an ultimatum, which you don't seem ready for. But by sharing your situation, you are sending a message to yourself that you have had enough, and things do need to change. If you don't have insurance to cover it, try a local church. Take your time and decide what you need. Whenever you need to make a choice, pretend you are 90 years old and looking back at your life. Complete the sentence: I wish that I had...........
Also, keep in mind that everyone expects marriage to last forever, but they all can't. Ending a marriage that you committed to when you were only 18 is NOT a failure. And the reasons you got married were not good ones. Now you are mature enough to make good choices.
Be strong. When it gets tough, just look at your precious children. They are always worth a smile.
Reading material to consider:
Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse
How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix
Unfortunately, in my opinion, it takes two to make it work and it doesn't sound as if your husband much cares about the outcome.
Carrie
hi and hugs! I am sorry that you arein this situation. I think that realizing why we get ourselves in these situations is halfway to a solution and you are well aware of what happened when you were 18.