Does this seem weird?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Does this seem weird?
13
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 2:23am

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We hardly spend any time together about three or four days out of the month we see each other.  I tell him all the time I want to see him more, but it just does not happen. His excuses are gas is too expensive, or I live too far away (40 miles). I offer to go to his place, which I have done in the past, and he won’t let me because his house is messy and he doesn’t want me driving so early in the morning to go home.  He goes to work early. He says he wants to be in a relationship, says that he loves me and is lucky to have me, even talks about moving in together. I am growing more and more skeptical of any kind of future with him and him not letting me come over to his house is a big red flag for me and it has become an issue in our relationship along with not spending time together. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?   

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 11:24am

How old are you?

I am seeing several red flags here.  If his house is so messy that he doesn't want you to go visit, yet he talks about moving in together, so who is going to do all the cleaning?  (Hint: not him).  Secondly, unless he is perfectly happy about only spending 3 - 4 days a month wiht you, he has two choices:  clean up his place so that you can spend more time there, or pony up the money for gas.  Doesn't look like he is doing either.  Lastly, while this sounds quite cold and calculating, more people get divorce over money problems than anything else.  If he cannot afford gas money, what kind of financial plan the two of you have if you were to move in together, and perhaps marriage later?

I do agree he is lucky to have you.  Not many woman will put up with that kind of nonsense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 12:39pm

It seems that he is satisfied with this very casual relationship but you want more so it's not really working out.  I think either you should break up w/ him or suggest that you have a relationship where you can see other people since he doesn't seem that interested in being with you--I'd be interested in seeing his response to that.  Saying that his house is messy is a ridiculous excuse--he could clean it if he wanted you over.  And yes gas is expensive, but I drive 150 miles a week at least just commuting and I don't have to fill my tank more than once a week.  Is his job that bad that he can't afford gas?  Then how is he planing for his future?  And you offered up a logical solution--that you could go to his place, but he said no, so it means that he doesn't want a solution, he just doesn't want to see you that much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 1:03pm
Guys will take it if it's offered. I "dated" a guy for over a year who never, never came to see me. We lived about 60 miles apart and I drove every single Friday night and drove back every single Sunday night or Monday morning (at a God-awful hour). He said it was too expensive (sound familiar?) but it was OK for me to spend the money. Much later, when I told him I was dissatisfied, he explained that it was "convenient" for him (i.e., he didn't have to go looking for sex, it came to him in the form of me) but that he "wasn't feeling it". He said guys will take it but that in no way means they're in love. He said he wasn't going to tell me to stop coming over (because that meant his source would be gone), but as far as "in love"...nope. Finally I got myself some self-esteem and knocked it off. He didn't even blink, it meant nothing to him except he was getting less sex. So if this guy won't see you more often and won't allow you to come see him...he's just not that into you. I'd want a relationship with someone who IS that into me, personally.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 5:57pm

Hmm perhaps you should directly discuss it with him, tell him that you can't handle anymore to see him just a couple of times a month.

If he doesn't take into account your request, try that little trick, stop having sex with him and observe his reaction!

You'll easily figure out if he's really into you or if you're just a sexual kind of partner for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 12:03pm

... try that little trick, stop having sex with him and observe his reaction!

It is "advice" like that that makes sex appear cheap.  Sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable act that creates and reaffirms the bond between a couple, not a bargaining chip. 

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 6:22am
Actions speak louder than words. If he's not willing to make the effort to spend time you, he can't want to see you that badly. At the risk of using a cliche, he's just not that into you.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 8:04am

jemismyname wrote:
<p>My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We hardly spend any time together about three or four days out of the month we see each other.  I tell him all the time I want to see him more, but it just does not happen. His excuses are gas is too expensive, or I live too far away (40 miles). I offer to go to his place, which I have done in the past, and he won’t let me because his house is messy and he doesn’t want me driving so early in the morning to go home.  He goes to work early. He says he wants to be in a relationship, says that he loves me and is lucky to have me, even talks about moving in together. I am growing more and more skeptical of any kind of future with him and him not letting me come over to his house is a big red flag for me and it has become an issue in our relationship along with not spending time together. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?   </p>

Does he love you, or does he love the convenience you provide?  Because if he loved you, he'd be finding a way to put gas in his tank to come see you or he'd get about the business of cleaning his house.  A man who wants to be with you makes that point known through his behavior and actions.  This guy ain't doing that.  He doesn't have to break a sweat or be pressed when it comes to demonstrating his intent concerning being with you.

Oh, and guess who is going to be picking up behind a grown man if you two move in together?  You like being a maid?

This guy is trifling. You deserve way better than this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 1:32pm

Thank you all for your advice, I am old enough to know better. I was in an abusive relationship for over a decade, and have been using the excuse that at least this guy is not abusing me. I know that is wrong and I know what I need to do, the hard part is doing it. 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 3:39pm

jemismyname wrote:
<p>Thank you all for your advice, I am old enough to know better. I was in an abusive relationship for over a decade, and have been using the excuse that at least this guy is not abusing me. I know that is wrong and I know what I need to do, the hard part is doing it. </p>

Actually, doing it is the easy part. Deciding to do it is what's hard.. and interestingly, that's where all the time you'll never get back is spent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 11:08pm

Sounds like your self-esteem still is lacking.  If you're willing to accept crumbs from a man just because he doesn't abuse you, that shows you still don't value yourself.  You don't feel like you deserve a fulfilling, loving relationship with a man who makes you a priority, so you settle for what you think is the best you can get.  It's just not true, is all.

Work on the self-esteem before pursuing another relationship, otherwise you'll end up in the same boat again with a guy who doesn't care enough about you.  Have you tried individual therapy?

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