Does this seem weird?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Does this seem weird?
13
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 2:23am

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We hardly spend any time together about three or four days out of the month we see each other.  I tell him all the time I want to see him more, but it just does not happen. His excuses are gas is too expensive, or I live too far away (40 miles). I offer to go to his place, which I have done in the past, and he won’t let me because his house is messy and he doesn’t want me driving so early in the morning to go home.  He goes to work early. He says he wants to be in a relationship, says that he loves me and is lucky to have me, even talks about moving in together. I am growing more and more skeptical of any kind of future with him and him not letting me come over to his house is a big red flag for me and it has become an issue in our relationship along with not spending time together. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?   

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 1:02am

Just wanted to give you all an update. I did end up breaking it off with him. When I finally confronted him about how his actions were not matching what was coming out of his mouth, I got a weird version of a it's not you it's me speach. Apparently he was/is depressed and is having a hard time in his life finacially. At that point it clicked with me that no matter how hard I tried or what solutions I offered for us to spend more time together, he was never going to let me in to his life, for whatever reason. I haven't heard from him since.  I have been doing really well since then, I have been spending some time to do some self nurturing and in that process realized that I was not done healing from the abusive relationship I was in before this one. So I am going to work on myself for awhile and get to where I need to be in life before I pursue another relationship. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 1:31pm

From my perspective, yes, it seems VERY weird. To me, it seems like he's either not THAT into you or maybe hes investing a lot more time seeing another woman, which is why he only sees YOU 3 to 4 times out of an entire month and never wants you to go to his place. Things should've progressed a little more considering you guys have been together almost a year now. not to marriage or even living together but definitely seeing each other wayyyy more than that, thats only once a week practically. It would be very hard for me to take someone serous that hardly spends time with me. How can the relationship grow like that? I would definitely express my concerns and state that things need to change, you're not happy. If things dont, move on. There are plenty of men that would probably love to spend more time with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 1:05am
posting error
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 11:08pm

Sounds like your self-esteem still is lacking.  If you're willing to accept crumbs from a man just because he doesn't abuse you, that shows you still don't value yourself.  You don't feel like you deserve a fulfilling, loving relationship with a man who makes you a priority, so you settle for what you think is the best you can get.  It's just not true, is all.

Work on the self-esteem before pursuing another relationship, otherwise you'll end up in the same boat again with a guy who doesn't care enough about you.  Have you tried individual therapy?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 3:39pm

jemismyname wrote:
<p>Thank you all for your advice, I am old enough to know better. I was in an abusive relationship for over a decade, and have been using the excuse that at least this guy is not abusing me. I know that is wrong and I know what I need to do, the hard part is doing it. </p>

Actually, doing it is the easy part. Deciding to do it is what's hard.. and interestingly, that's where all the time you'll never get back is spent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2006
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 1:32pm

Thank you all for your advice, I am old enough to know better. I was in an abusive relationship for over a decade, and have been using the excuse that at least this guy is not abusing me. I know that is wrong and I know what I need to do, the hard part is doing it. 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 8:04am

jemismyname wrote:
<p>My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We hardly spend any time together about three or four days out of the month we see each other.  I tell him all the time I want to see him more, but it just does not happen. His excuses are gas is too expensive, or I live too far away (40 miles). I offer to go to his place, which I have done in the past, and he won’t let me because his house is messy and he doesn’t want me driving so early in the morning to go home.  He goes to work early. He says he wants to be in a relationship, says that he loves me and is lucky to have me, even talks about moving in together. I am growing more and more skeptical of any kind of future with him and him not letting me come over to his house is a big red flag for me and it has become an issue in our relationship along with not spending time together. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?   </p>

Does he love you, or does he love the convenience you provide?  Because if he loved you, he'd be finding a way to put gas in his tank to come see you or he'd get about the business of cleaning his house.  A man who wants to be with you makes that point known through his behavior and actions.  This guy ain't doing that.  He doesn't have to break a sweat or be pressed when it comes to demonstrating his intent concerning being with you.

Oh, and guess who is going to be picking up behind a grown man if you two move in together?  You like being a maid?

This guy is trifling. You deserve way better than this.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Mon, 10-22-2012 - 6:22am
Actions speak louder than words. If he's not willing to make the effort to spend time you, he can't want to see you that badly. At the risk of using a cliche, he's just not that into you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 12:03pm

... try that little trick, stop having sex with him and observe his reaction!

It is "advice" like that that makes sex appear cheap.  Sex is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable act that creates and reaffirms the bond between a couple, not a bargaining chip. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 5:57pm

Hmm perhaps you should directly discuss it with him, tell him that you can't handle anymore to see him just a couple of times a month.

If he doesn't take into account your request, try that little trick, stop having sex with him and observe his reaction!

You'll easily figure out if he's really into you or if you're just a sexual kind of partner for him.

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