Does She Understand??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Does She Understand??
8
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 4:28pm
I recently have proposed to my fiance. Before I proposed I'd give her a lot of gifts and take her to see her favorite sports team. I purchased a very expensive engagement ring and this has deflated my spendable income. So, I now have ring payments along with my other bills. We also have to start saving for the wedding which she wants in July 2004. I've told her I would have to get another part time job to save for the wedding. She isn't able to get another job because she has a child.

But, yesterday, she told me that she was sad because things have changed. She said I don't ask her out anymore. I brought her a rose last night, she made the comment, "before we were engaged it use to be boquets, now its just a single rose" she said she didn't mean anything by that. But, I'm starting to think, Am I going to have to work two jobs forever just to keep her happy? Will I be in a pile of debt? Why can't she understand that we need to budget for the wedding. We have gone out also. I've asked her out and either she was busy, or she wound up changing the date I initially had planned. I don't know if she's just in a mood or what. Any insight would be helpful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 4:46pm
Have you sat down with her and gone over finances? If not, do so. It might help.

There are also ways to be romantic without being expensive, ask for her input as well on things she would like to participate in - picnic in the park, walking on a beach (of course depending on where you live), a single flower is very romantic and since she brought it up, I think you need to address the issue. She may just want more and more and if so you need to know how materialist she is.


Carrie

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:49pm
Definitely sit down and go over finances - before you do any more wedding planning.

I think that in buying her expensive gifts and an expensive ring, you may have misled her with regard to your financial situation. I think a lot of guys make this mistake. They spend more that they ordinarily would to woo the woman.

The important thing is that you guys sit down together and make sure you both know what your incomes are, what kind of lifestyle you can afford, and so on. That way there are no surprises or unrealistic expectations.

You shouldn't have to work 2 jobs forever or go into debt to make your wife happy. You should both be able to find happiness living within your means. The important thing is that you both have a realistic picture of what that is from the beginning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 6:07pm
I agree with what everyone else has said.

I just wanna ad that I only wish my man would go to the efforts to put a ring on my finger. I'd be so elated and I'd never complain about what he can't do. And I'm already in the process of taking on a second job so I feel I can invest something in our future -- and I have 3 kids that aren't his. But instead he throws thousands into his Harley and keeps putting off the proposal even though he talks like he wants it. I guess when it happens I'll appreciate it and I'm not sure why your fiance isn't appreciating it. Perhaps she simply doesn't understand what it has taken for you to do this. Heck, if she doesn't get it after you guys talk finances, tell her you had heard of someone who's boyfriend would rather spend his extra money on his bike and what she wouldn't give just to have a simple engagement ring from him!!! Perhaps then she could have an idea of what it takes and how lucky she is to have a man who makes those sacrafices to be with her!!!! Good luck to you!

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 6:49pm

I agree wholeheartedly!

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 7:01pm
Definitely. I think Suze Orman's book is great. I'm not to fond of her show because the way she talks grates on my nerves, but her advice is sound. I think that DH and I are in a much better financial situation now that we have taken some of her advice.

Case in point, we want to buy a home. We also had credit card debt. We didn't want to have consumer debt, but kind of figured that was part of life in the 21s century. Everybody's got it, right? She recommends paying off consumer debt before buying a house. Everybody in our families always says to buy a house as soon as possible - any house, just to get into the market.

We realized that consumer debt was NOT inevitable and by having it, we were making Visa rich rather than making ourselves financially better off. We also realized that if we bought a house while still in debt, we would likely never get out of debt because we would have a big morgage and probably charge home repairs and all that. Additionally, with money going to credit card payments we didn't have as much availible for the morgage and wouldn't be able to afford as much house.

So, we are now 2 months away from paying off ALL our consumer debt (happy dance). We will be in a position to buy a home probably in a year. With our original plan we would have been buying something very soon or already bought, but we would still have consumer debt and wouldn't be able to afford the house we want.

Ok - that was a long story, but the bottom line is - I am glad be listened to Suze. We may not have a house yet, but in 2 months we will be out of debt!!! I couldn't be happier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 7:34pm
All I can say, is if I was your fiancee, I would be so happy. My fiance proposed to me 4 months ago, and we planned on getting married june 2005. We got into an argument over something stupid, cuz I felt like he wasn't making as much of an effort as he use to, then he said he had enough, and that was 2 weeks ago. I miss him dearly and wish he would come back. I would be happy if he even just got me a rose. Your fiance should appreciate the things u do do, and understand that you are trying to save for the wedding. At least you're not getting fed up like my fiance did and left me. Just try to explain to her that things are not going to be the same because you want to give her the best wedding ever and you're trying your best. After all she shouldn't like what you buy for her, but she should like your company.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 7:36pm
My boyfriend read your post and told me to reply with this:

You need to get a prenup.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 5:36am
I really think everyone is blowing it out of proportion. Personaly I think that she is just scared bcause she feels you have changed with her, since you are not treating her to the lavish lifestyle you acoustumed her to. She is probable thinking that you don't care for her as much because you are not showing it the way you did before. Sometimes girls are afraid that since she agreed to marry you, the thrill of the catch is no longer there. You don't have to spoil her anymore because you have her now. So I advise you to just tell her that nothing has changed except that you have bills to pay, but that you still lover her just as much (or more) than before you got engaged.

Good Luck