Doesn't get it

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Doesn't get it
11
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:46am
This is a strange scenario, but it is distressful nonetheless. My husband is a very caring person, and basically a good guy. However, I think he is horribly immature, and irresponsible, and when confronted with it, he just says that he can not handle it, or, he does not understand the situation.

I am just mortified, because the things we discuss, we've been discussing for YEARS!!! He admits that he does not understand verbage. He is technical person, and he can only understand things that are technical. When I talk to him, and when other people talk to him, he admits that his mind goes blank, and he does not understand. I can see when it happens. His eyes will get wide, and he will say something totally unappropriate and stupid, and you are wondering who he is talking to. But at the same time, he wants to help. But when he does not follow through, he does not understand why I get upset.

For example, I have my own CPA firm, and certain clients require delivery of their documents. For the clients with high fees, I do not trust the regular delivery people to do it, so my husband volunteered. I knew it was very important, so I asked him, "are you sure you can do this? this is very important" I was up all night trying to complete it, and called my husband several times that day to make sure he understood, and could still complete the task. He was very nonchalant about it, and said" yes, everything is fine, I have it covered"

Then, at 6:00 that night, I get a screaming phone call from the client, as to why his documents were never delivered. I was really dumbfounded. Later, when I confronted my husband, he had every stupid excuse in the book as to why he did not complete the task.

My response was, "what were you thinking!!!! If you could not do it, you should have picked up the phone, and called me. At least then, i could've made other arrangements, or gave the client a heads up!! But you did nothing!!" I worked really hard with this client, and the simplest thing was to deliver the documents.

To me, this is common sense, but then my husband response with stupid comments like, "well, I did not know it was that important", and "I do not understand business situations" And I say things like, how could we be living in the same house with me, and you say that??????? I've been working day and night on this, and I called you several times to confirm, where are getting the that it was not important???????"

This was just one of many things, and with this I literally snapped. He does not follow through on important things, like, when he baby sat, he left my son alone, and I got a call from the police that he was wondering the streets. Again, when I confronted my husband, he just said he forgot, and could not do two things at once.

I am angry at myself for marrying him. I saw these traits early on, and I broke up with him several times, even called off the wedding at one point. I did not follow through with the wedding being called off, and now I am so full of anger, I do not know what to do.

The incident yesterday was the last straw, and I was seething. I did not come home from work, I went straight to the gym. I refused to look at my husband, because I knew I would snap. It did not help that I've been working 100 hour weeks, non stop, despite the fact that I hired help this tax season, it created more work for me, since I had to redo everything.

When finally went up to the bedroom, and asked him again, what happened, he came up with all these stupid answers and scenarios as to what he thought would be OK. I got so angry, I started to punch the pillows and the mattress, and I was screaming. It seems as though he deliberately sabotages my efforts, because I do not understand any other explanation. He of course, denies that he hurts me on purpose, and that he did not know he was hurting me.

This was 4 years of anger pint up, and I just exploded. He just curled up in a little ball crying. I left the house.

The next day when we talked, he expressed how frightened he was of me last night, and how he has never been that scared before in his entire life. He thought I was going to hit him, even though I was just hitting the pillows getting my frustration out. it is only when he is scared, that I see any emotion. (and sex of course)

He does not seem to have any passion for anything, except sports, so I guess he can not imagine or appreciate the work that goes into things, and the devastation that goes along with stupid things ruining the hard work. I am not just talking about this incident. In fact, this incident is the most tamest of all. I am also talking about the past. Like during a custody trial, he inadvertently, gives the otherside information, and did things that hurt our case, all under the guise that he did not understand.

I know that he is not being malicious on purpose, but the results are the same. I am angry, resentful, that he is a moron, and I am sorry that we married. I am mad at myself for not calling off the wedding, and just finding a partner who is more mature and has some sence. It is not all bad though, but I feel like I settled.

I especially feel bad, since he has a good relationship with my son, he adopted him, but I know I can not go on like this. This is my second marriage. I feel horrible and stupid for getting into this predicament.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:34pm
I agree that some type of diagnosis is in order, I guess for the both of us. I have no idea where and how to start. Right now, we are just being friendly, but I really do not know how to move forward from here. This is just so bizarre.

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