Doing all the work

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Doing all the work
6
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 7:03am
I've been dating a man for 9 months. We met online and do have a long distance relationship that allows us to see each other once a week. We are both single parents and have busy lives, but I believe in this relationship and invest a lot of heart into it. My problem is that I feel he is inconsiderate to my feelings. When he is down, i am there...when i am down, he's not the support i need.

He comes into my town during the week to a rehearsal and i don't think it should be an issue to make the time before or after to see me, so he says he will come by for a few minutes on his way home even if it's late. I wait, I wait....no phone call...nothing.

I am pissed...i feel like telling him off but i really don't see his side to this inconsideration. i understand he may be tired but i don't see why he doesn't take the opportunity to see me, even if he's tired even just for a few minutes. A good night kiss, see you on the weekend, whatever.

I've told him how i feel but he continues to do this week to week, and then we just see each other on the Saturday. How do i make him understand that I need to know he cherishes this relationship as much as i do, and will make some of these "sacrifices" to make me happy?? I'm tired of feeling like i am the one doing all the work to make a real go of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: metazu
Sat, 05-31-2003 - 9:04am
i have to disagree with the idea of not being able to get to know someone through a long distance relationship. we talk more about things than anyone i know, because we have to. we spend hours online chatting about things, that are sometimes fluffy and sometimes deep...being able to write your thoughts down is sometimes so much easier than talking face to face. it's like there really are no barriers.

as far as words and actions, i agree with you on that...he says many many things, and most are true and sincere, but sometimes i'm thinking, and when does this part of you check in...

i do tend to prioritize him more than he does me, at least differently....but i am beginning to think that some of that is just differences between man and woman. we do things differently than they do, so now i look at what he does, and stop thinking about what i do....if that makes any sense.

i think he values things but doesn't feel available enough in his heart to be a complete emotional network, which i hope with time and trust will change...but inconsiderate acts now are not acceptable. i won't put up with that anymore.i don't believe if i just walked away he would be fine...of course he would go on, as would i...but our hearts would be broken, nonetheless...

don;t get me wrong, the things you have posted are things i have thought myself, and nothing i won't try and get to the bottom of...i appreciate your honesty. i did feel that i needed to defend the long distance relationship, because i know for myself the benefits are great. i have always been someone who threw herself into the relationship, as was he...and sort of lost myself, whereas now we are both forced to be independant of each other, and learn to be a unit at the same time. i do more now than i have ever done, i value my friendships more than i have ever done. i feel i am showing my daughter a great positive role model in the fact that i can say, yes i love this man, i want to be with him, but we are important too and can have a great life with or without someone else in it.

thanks again for your honesty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: metazu
Sat, 05-31-2003 - 8:53am
ouch, sometimes these words are hard to hear, but i guess being on my side of the fence i see other things. i don't make excuses for him, but do respect some of the things he is going through, although there really is no excuse for inconsideration. you either care enough or you don't. i talked to him yesterday, adn found out he was not in town, the rehearsal got cancelled, and he spent the night at home with his son because he was going to the mom's for the weekend. BUT it doesn't change the fact that he didn't let me know that. he is going through this independant streak where he feels the need to prove to himself he doesn't need anyone, feels like he shouldn't answer to anyone...and i'm thinking Whoa!!! i'm not your ex-wife...i don't want to know where you are every minute, but if i am looking forward to seeing you, and you just can't make it, all i ask is for a call. he apologised profusely, admitted that he is being selfish lately, just some sort of wall he is putting up...but is going to stop the best way he can. he does need time to be somewhat selfish and put himself first, and i understand that - having come from a similar situation. i don't doubt he loves me, not one bit...but i do think he won't allow himself to give it all up yet....

i won't put up with the inconsideration, not any more....he knows that now. I hope

thanks for your honesty.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: metazu
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 12:19pm
Perhaps he does not cherish the relationship as much as you do. It certainly seems that his feelings or ability to be available and considerate do not match yours.

A common problem in long distance relationships is that a person can project a lot onto the other person. They can invest far too much in the person and relationship, based upon their dreams, hopes and wishes, rather than upon the actual reality of what is going on. When we only see a person for a limited amount of time, we do not really get to know them or what they are truly like in all ways. We only see them for a short time and then imagine all the rest. It's different when you go through daily experiences with a person, see them more on an on-going basis, throughout the good and bad times. Then you can really get to know who they are and what they are capable of giving. It sounds as though you have projected a lot upon this person and relationship that may not be warranged. Some people who are comfortable in long distance relationships cannot or do not wish to have too much time together or intimacy. A long distance relationship is perfect for them because it gives them a way to be close and yet remain far..it gives them an excuse for not being there.

If I were you I would pull back a bit, take a long, hard look at what you are really getting and giving here, and be honest with yourself. How much is really there for you and how much are you dreaming of?

It's always healthier and clearer to be in a relationship with someone with whom you can have more on-going contact.

Take good care,

Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: metazu
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 10:57am
Hon, it's a long-distance, primarily on-line relationship. At least, it started on-line.

Which is no way to get to know someone. All you know is what they tell you - and you haven't got any actions or words to compare it with to see if it meets your standards.

Here's you - prioritizing him and his needs and his goals, valuing his company and sacrificing, expending and enduring in order to uphold those values and priorities. IT's what you want to do....but.....

Here's him - he sees you when it is convenient and easy, and he's not very interested in being an emotional support network. That's him doing what he wants to do.

You want him to do what you're doing....and he doesn't valuea nd prioritize doing those things for someone else - he just wants to receive them from someone else.

You're not in an equality based dynamic that is mutually beneficial because he doesn't prioritize "the relationship and you" - as much as he does the ease and comfort and benefit of you doing what you're doing.

If you stopped - he's just move on. He's not emotionally invested in you - just whatever ease and benefits you provide.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: metazu
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 9:53am
Thanks for the advice...it makes sense and i guess something i know if i dig deep inside.

We've talked recently and he seems to be self serving as of late, either as protection from getting hurt, or who knows? but i need to really figure out just how far i plan on letting things go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: metazu
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 9:29am
I hate to say this - but he is who he is. either the relationship is not important to him. or he sees relationships DIFFERENTLY than you do. or he is just a rude, inconsiderate person.

point is - if YOU are not happy with this, if you spoke to him and he continues along his merry way, and you STAY in the relationship - you are going to end up with what you already have.