domestic squabbling

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
domestic squabbling
3
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 10:23am
Hi everybody,

i'm new to this board, and wanted some advice about what to do about my situation.

I have been married for 15 years, and my husband and I have two daughters aged 16 and 13. A few months ago i found out my husband had been cheating on me, and so moved to my sister's house. my sister has two daughters of her own, and a live-in boyfriend that did not father her daughters. the past few months have been pure hell living with her, but i have nowhere to go right now.

the thing is that our eldest daughters do not get along, and this puts friction between my sister and i over how to raise them. the girls are constantly fighting both verbally and physically, with the faceslap as the dispute settler. I don't think a week has gone by in over four months in our house where one of us has not slapped the other. it started off between the elder girls, spread to the younger girls and now has spread to occuring between my sister and i.

Just the other day my sister got mad at my daughter, and my daughter slapped her, my sister slapped her back, so my sister slapped her again, my daughter slapped her back YET again, and then I stepped in and my sister slapped me, and so I slapped her, and then she slapped me back again before her boyfriend grabbed her hand. This type of thing is a common occurence and happens at least once a week when disagreements don't get resolved. After all the faceslapping it seems everything cools off after a while, and it so remains as a viscious cycle of tension between us, verbal outletting and then

SLAP..... SLAP SLAP.....SLAP.......... SLAP SLAP SLAP separate and don't talk for the rest of the day. UGH - just driving me nuts!

I feel bad for my sister's boyfriend as he must be sick and tired of living with a house full of fighting women and girls. My husband begs me to move back with him, but I can't bear even looking at him, even though he said he hasn't seen the other woman for three months. I don't know whether to believe him. He has shown up here several times, and is upset that my sister and I and our daughters are not getting along, and says all the troubles will go away if me and the girls just move back with him. I can't take it and just tell my sister's boyfriend to make him go away.

I've tried to punish my daughters for slapping, but I think it's both my sisters and my fault. We were raised in a household ourselves where the women unfortunately settled disputes by slapping the other girls face.

Has anyone ever had this situation - know how to stop the cycle of faceslapping?

I don't know what to do about my husband either as I can't conceive of living with him, can't afford to move out on my own, but can't deal with the female faceslapping in our house of six women and one guy constantly trying to break it up.

Any ideas what to do?

Laine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 11:07am
Your first mistake was when you moved out of your home. You should have put your husband out - HE was the one who broke the marriage vows.

Your second mistake was moving in with your sister who has an unrelated adult male living in her home. This is dangerous on several levels. Your daughters (and hers) are statistically at risk of molestation or abuse by this man. Also, why would you want them living in a shack-up arrangement and having them accept it as normal? I wouldn't expose them to it.

The physical violence in this home is unacceptable. Move out now. Your girls are being damaged. Swallow your pride, move back home, and either you and your husband get into counseling, or hire an attorney and start divorce proceedings. If you choose divorce, your HUSBAND moves out this time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 10:17am

whoa nelly!!!! you get yourself to anger management counseling pronto! this is just not good! i don't care WHAT the circumstances are. and i don't care WHAT your sister is doing. *YOU* cannot be going around and slapping people when you lose your temper. period! look - we all get upset, and stressed out, etc - but hitting people is just not acceptable behavior.


i also don't understand why you moved out and not your husband. get a lawyer, get some advice and get your life back together. it would be good if you and your husband got marital counseling - regardless of whether you get divorced or not, because you are still going to be parenting your kids. you need to solve your marital issues - and not get bogged down in stupid squabbles about which girl slapped who first.


<> how can you do this? you are the ones who are slapping, you can't punish your dd's for doing what they learned from you. please - you see this is a cycle that has been going on forever, don't make your dd's grow up with the same patterns of violence.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 5:31pm
First, go to the school counselor and get your daughter in counseling. #1- she needs to know that hitting anyone, espeically an adult is UNACCEPTABLE. No matter how angry she is. Your sister has issues, but you can't control her, influence her or help her in anyway.

Tell your husband you will move back in only with marriage counseling!!! In there you can talk about the issues and living arrangements including him moving out or providing enough support for the girls so you can get your own place.


Carrie