done??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
done??
2
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 11:47pm

Hi all,

i'm not sure if i have posted before.. if i have it was a while ago.... and the reason why i am posting is that my bf of 3 1/2 years broke up with me 2 days ago..

I am a mess. I don't even know where to start. He's younger than me (he's 25, i'm 30) and i was his first proper girlfriend. But he was definitely not your typical 'younger man', in most cases he was more mature than i was in the relationship.

So we had our ups and downs as everyone does, and we definitely have not had a smooth ride over the past 3.5 years, but quite a bit of that has to do with outside influences. In the past 3.5 years:

1) My mum got diagnosed with cancer
2) I went through depression for about 6 months
3) Mum got better
4) My dad passed away
5) Mum's cancer returned
6) *HIS* dad passed away
7) His grandmother passed away.

So yeah.. dealt with a lot of things, but the thing is, we got through them TOGETHER! When I was going through the whole depression thing I had heaps of doubts about the relationship but i knew that i wasn't in the right headspace to make a decision so I just kept going and things did get better..

When his dad passed away (12 months ago) he definitely didn't take it very well, there was a lot of anger, a lot of depression, and a lot of the time i just couldn't help, whatever i did just made things worse. Again though, we would always get through any stupid fights that we had and over time we were able to work on a lot of our issues quite successfully...

I just don't get it, we were going so well... last week he was saying to me "when are we getting married" and we were talking about buying a place together... over the course of a week this has done a 180 degree turn and he has said to me he doesn't want to lead me on, he wants to experience life and be single and free... how can you change that much in a week?

We have been in contact a couple of times since the break up and he tells me that he is feeling empty inside. I told him i was finding it very hard to cope, and he said i could still call him if i wanted to, and that he wants us to be friends, but he understands if i can't do that right now.. I asked him if this was a forever thing, and he said "for now it is, but in the future, who knows..."

If he feels empty, and i feel empty then why is this happening??

I just know in myself 100% that he does still love me. We have gone through so much together, and actually stayed close, you know, some couples go through stuff and stay together, but they drift apart.. that wasn't us... That is why I am so not ready for this to be over. I want him to realise that, and I don't know how to make that happen...

Thanks for reading... thoughts, comments, questions appreciated!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: dagoddess76
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 4:51pm

Welcome to the board dagoddess76,


People react to stress and grief in different ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
In reply to: dagoddess76
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 8:34pm

Hi, thank you for responding...

Um... when we were together and he was going through the grieving process, i did tell him several times to go and see a counsellor. He completely refused. I then tried saying to him look, if you don't want to go to a counsellor, do SOMEthing to channel your anger, take up a sport, write out your feelings etc etc, and this would sometimes work, but nothing ever stuck..

When this came to a head last week (before we broke up), he approached me and told me he was going to see a counsellor... but instead he broke up with me.. i don't know if he will still be going to see someone or if breaking up with me was enough to "get him through"..

I am feeling a tiny tiny bit better... the thing is i can't let go at the moment.. i can't say that it is over forever, because of the way that it ended, and because it was so good only a week ago..

I know that I need to be happier within me.. I can feel something deep deep deep down that says i can grow from this and figure out what i want in myself and in a relationship, but it's the not knowing what is ahead... It's scary. It's not exciting or challenging for me (like it is for him). I've been there, I know what it's like, and it's yucky!




Edited 5/29/2007 8:51 pm ET by dagoddess76