done with the porn

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
done with the porn
2
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 6:46pm
My bf and I have been together for 4 years and raise my 3 and half year old son together. We are expecting another boy in jan.

I have been aware of his porn addiction since I stumbled across emails he had recived from online personals about 3 years ago. We have had numerous fights about his porn addiction and online flirting. It seems we have gone through every single aspect of a porn addiction. He has had personals, been subscribed to porn email list, paid money for webcam site subscriptions and downloaded porn from peer 2 peer programs. I almost left him when I had found files on his p2p program that were still to be downloaded that contained the descriptions "14 year old sis caught masterbating" and "ohsu student taped secretly while having sex" He claimed that descriptions were never acurrate and that he didn't download those files because of what they said.

I believed him and things have been fine for about a year now. Last weekend after I had been more and more nervous lately that was up to no good again online so I broke into his laptop an found a huge folder of porn Some of the files contained regular porn photos from sites we had agreed upon but most were webcam or amueter photos of other women.What bothered me was that some of these photos were just regular photos of girls from online communties that he's on. I am very nervous because I can't tell if the webcam photos are from porn webcam sites or being sent to him from other girls. They seem a little more personal than just webcam stuff and he is always on aim and he might have a email account I don't know about.

Also I found movies he had downloaded that were all of the premis of paying girls off the street to have sex with a guy. He had ones that were of "18+" and mothers. I am very worried about this. I don't have a problem with porn, I don't like it but I understand men do. These movies where just sooo degrading. I don't want to be with someone who gets off on being able to do whatever you want with some chick because you paid her. They were making fun of these women and what they would do for money on camera!

The worst of this is that I checked the logs of his browser and he was looking at porn while I wasn't home and he was watching our son. In the same room!

I don't know what to do. I don't mind if he looks at porn but this is to much and I'm tired of having to deal with this. I am so hurt and deppressed. We seriously have a wonderful relationship except for this one issue.

I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry for the bad spelling and grammar, I am just very upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 7:41pm
I can tell you are upset and I'm not sure how to say this without upsetting you more, but as nicely as possible, your husband is never going to change. He is who he is and he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, he will do or say anything to continue doing what he's doing. He doesn't care if he's destroying his marriage, doesn't care how you feel, he only cares about himself, his needs and his values justify his behavior, choices and actions.

Until he wants to change, including admitting there is a problem, going to counseling, getting rid of porn material, etc, nothing will change.

I guess I don't have any real advice and I'm sorry. But when you have had enough, you will leave.


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 7:42pm
It sounds like it's time to draw a line in the sand: either he gets help for his addiction or it's over. You gave him a chance to do it on his own and he failed miserably.

Good luck; I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Sheri