Don't Know What to Do

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2012
Don't Know What to Do
7
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 6:20am

I want to preface this with that I know that snooping is probably not the way to go but I didn't know what else to do. Under a vast majority of circumstances, I would say I have the best boyfriend ever and I couldn't ask for more. I literally want to marry this man..until I looked through his texts. I highly doubt that he's cheating on me. He doesn't have the past and he's 100% a stand up, amazing man, but I think he does have an innappropriate relationship with a female friend. He does have a lot of female friends from before we met (we've been dating a year and he's aware I have a lot of male friends as well), however, he's always introduced me to them and had me around them constantly so there's never an issue. I'm perfectly fine with the ones that I know. They're sweet girls and it's never been a problem.

However, after reading some texts, there is a girl I've never met or even heard him mention who has drunk texted him and is continuously asked him to come over on week nights and week end nights. From what I can tell, he's denied her offers. Their conversations are more than this, of course. They talk about football, movies, etc. I know he talks to most of his friends on gchat or texts with them daily, so that's not weird to me. Asking him to come over after being out, however, is not normal. He's with me 5 to 6 nights during the week but of course I can't account for the nights that he's working late or not with me. I know that they've gone to movies together and hung out occasionally (without him telling me). I don't want to jump to conclusions that he's lying to me but now I can't be sure. He recently signed up for a morning boot camp class that I found out (through texts)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 7:19am
Hello! Sorry you are in such turmoil! First thing I want to tell you is that our intuition is there for a purpose. It's our internal radar that alerts to something being not right. When a person doesn't have anything to hide, they are an open book. You should not feel bad for snooping. He is the one being deceptive. These are consequences for his actions.

A person can engage in an affair without it being taken to a physical level. It's called an emotional affair. Many EA's can become a physical but not always. This girl is filling a need for him. (an emotional need of some sort). She gives him attention, strokes his ego. When we are committed to someone, boundaries need to be in place when dealing with others. When we are committed to someone we don't go out with others secretly. We don't communicate with others secretly. When we are committed to someone we generally turn towards each other to fill emotional and physical needs.

I am not surprised he would deny any wrong doing. Makes me wonder how he would feel if you were doing something similar? He probably wouldn't care for it much! Your BF is capable of lying to you and of deception. With tht comes a manipulation, because hell think you're crazy for even mentioning he is doing something wrong.

So bottom line is... Focus on yourself and what you need to feel safe and secure in a relationship. If something we do doesn't make our partner feel safe and secure we shouldn't do it. When you confront him by telling him you do not comfortable with his relationship with his other gal, he will be the one to make the decision. He will have to decide. He walks forward with you or his stays back with his groupies. He can't eat cake forever. He tells you hes walking forward then he needs to completely and irrevocably cuts ties with other girl in a way you are witness to so there is no question she got the message. He may try to minimize their relationship in order to keep her, but again his is about you and what you feel comfortable with. IMO, since his boundaries lines are already distorted, I think he has a Greater chance of taking things to the next level with her or maybe someone else down the road.

The betrayed spouses board would be a great place for you to post and get feedback. You deserve to be with someone you can trust. Trust is the foundation for a relationship. Goodluck. Stay strong. Continue to go with our gut.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 9:47am

Hi sbsurfer22,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 11:01am

Semi confronted???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 2:29pm
I agree that somethings not right here. I think there's a reason you snooped. The ol intuition kicked in. Why have you met and not minded all his other female friends and he hides his one? Maybe there's a reason. He may not be having an affair with her, but maybe he likes her more than the other female friends. Maybe has a crush on her and likes the attention, but hasn't (or won't ) cross the line into physically cheating. You really won't know till you talk to him, but he probably will be mad that you looked at his phone without asking first. Maybe instead of telling him you snooped, you could make up some excuse that your phone was out or low on battery power so you used his phone and saw the texts. Sort of that you "accidentally" found them. GOOD LUCK.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2012
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 5:35pm

I really appreciate you all talking me through this. It's really helpful to know that I'm not off base here. I can honestly say that I hope I'm wrong but it's really upsetting. We will have been together for a year in February (not engaged, I'm 25 and he's 30) and he's perfectly fine with my guys friends (granted I don't see them as much as I used to as I'm in a relationship). I agree that we need to have a discussion about boundaries and it's probably something that should've been discussed much sooner. I don't necessarily think that he's keeping her around as a back up plan. She's 100% not his type and I don't think he has a crush on her. It's just questionable that he's never mentioned her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 10:06pm
Surfer- one other thought. Many many people have affair type relationships with someone we would never expect for the very same reason you mention: not his type. In an affair, what we know of "their" type means nothing. No excuses for him. Try to think about what advice you would give your sister if she was in the same situation. Try to think about how he would react should your situation be reversed,. Girls weekend with a guy in tow? Dinners, texting, etc.

I hope this all works out for you. My own blind trust and ego and belief that he would never of crossed the line, left me open and vulnerable to my husband having an affair. Actions can speak volumes. More than his words now, it will be his actions that should determine what you will do. You already know he is capable of lying. When you have your talk, he will have to bend over backwards to help you get to that place where you feel safe and secure. Because that's what part of a loving relationship is about. Goodluck
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 12:45am

I have to agree with stillstanding here. Many of us whos husbands had affairs were often really surprised at the woman he had an affair with. Often times quite a downgrade from us. And that's not to insult her in any way as much as it's a statement about men. She may not be more attractive or may outweigh us by 50 pounds. What the attraction is to men is that she's just new and different, and what's most alluring here, showing an attraction and interest in him. HUGE EGO BOOST HERE, and what often causes a man to cheat. So how do you know he's went out to movies and hung out with her IF he didn't tell you this? In my opinion if he's having dinner or movie dates with her and hiding it from you he is lying. It's called lying by omission. And if it was suppose to be a "boys only" ski trip, then why was she even invited in the first place? I think the time to sit down and talk about relationship boundaries is NOW (although testerday would have even better) Is it OKAY for YOU to go out to dinner/movies with male friends? If not then there's a real problem here. Maybe you both have different ideas of what healthy boundaries are in a relationship, and if so then this will always be a HUGE issue for you and maybe a good enough reason for you to start looking around for a BF that shares YOUR ideas of a healthy relationship. GOOD LUCK