Don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Don't know what to do
3
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 8:06am

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year.. When we first got together I made no secret of the fact that one day I want to have a baby. He has an 8 year old son, from a previous relationship. Which was basically a one night stand, that resulted in the girl getting pregnant.

All the while, when I spoke of having kids, he would act happy about it, and comment on the fact that he just wants us to be financially stable, and have a house before having a child. I agree..

This weekend while we were having a discussion about everything that had been causing us to fight the whole week, he brought up kids, and marriage. And said that he may not in fact want to have another child, or get married. He feels like marriage is just a piece of paper, and ruins a lot of good relationships. He doesn't want to see that happen to us. And for the child part, he says that he just doesn't know if he wants another one..

Part of this I think is because he had a VERY rough childhood. His biological father walked out and disowned him when he was 5.. His adopted father ( in a recent arguement with his sister) turned his head and completely took his sister's side of the issue. Which totally crushed my bf. So his belief or faith in family has really just gone down the tubes.. I try to tell him that he can change that, and that just because his family isn't the best doesn't mean that we can't make one of our, and it will turn out the same way..
I've been crying my eyes out over the whole thing, and I honestly don't think that I can cry anymore.... It just breaks my heart to hear that the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with doesn't "know" if he wants a baby with me.. The marriage thing is a negotiable subject.. Having a baby isn't for me.. Since I was 6 I've wanted to be a mother.. And like I've told him.. I'm not ready for a baby today, tomorrow, or next month.. But I just want to know that the table is open, and he'll be ready... Someday.

This morning before he went to work, he woke me up to tell me that he loved me more than anything else in this world, and that he's not going to go anywhere.. and that "we'll figure something out." so I think that means that he's going to open up and really realize that this is something that i'm not willing to compromise on..

Any advice is helpful.. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 1:29pm

Welcome to the board fieryfairy2006,


You already know where you stand on the issue on having a baby. Talk to him again and see where he stands on this. If he says that he still doesn't know, you are going to have to decide if you want to wait and see if he changes his mind by the time you are ready or if you want to end the relationship. Sorry, I couldn't be of more help. This is his decision to make and all you can do at this point and here what answer he has. I hope this works out for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 6:20pm
I've gotta say that cl-ctara is right... It could be that this guy is willing to be more open minded about having kids with you, but you need to be sure before you make a commitment to him or waste too much time. If he says "maybe, I'll think about it" and then one day you get married and he decides he doesn't want to do it, your marriage will be ruined irreparably. I don't want to be pessimistic but you need to be positive that you both want the same thing in the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 6:37pm

Welcome to the board fieryfairy2006,


::and that "we'll figure something out." so I think that means that he's going to open up and really realize that this is something that i'm not willing to compromise on..


Don't assume.