Don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Don't know what to do
13
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 1:11pm
I was dating a guy for about 3 years, and while he was in Europe on a business trip, I started hanging out with this guy I had recently met. My intentions were to be his friend and nothing more, but one night he made a move on me and I went along with it. We started to have sex, but I stopped it because I didn't want to go any further because I knew it would hurt my boyfriend. I shouldn't have gone along with it in the first place, but I did. The next day, I called my boyfriend to let him know what happened because I felt he had the right to know, and I wouldn't be able to live with that guilt. So, of course he broke up with me, and we have now been broken up for 3 months. Although we broke up, it doesn't seem as if we did because we hang out on a regular basis, we go to each other's family functions etc. We still love each other a lot, and he told me that he's just not sure what he wants to do. He said he's torn between either to get back in relationship and work on it, or if he should just leave it as it is and move on. I told him that I still want to be with him and even wrote him a commitment letter telling him what I would do to gain back his trust in me again. Ultimately, it's up to him to decide the fate of our relationship but what can I do to help him make that decision(the us getting back together decision)?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 2:15pm

Welcome to the board,


Unfortunately there really isn't anything you can do. All you can is tell him how you feel about him and let him make his decision.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 3:01pm
Should I give him space to make that decision? Because we still hang out and call each other, should I just hold off on hanging out with him until he can decide?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 3:07pm

Has he said that he wants space? I suggest asking him what he wants and what he feels for be best for him in making his decision.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 3:24pm
He never said he wanted space,he just said he doesn't want to make any plans with me, but sometimes I feel as if I should just give him space. He tells me he wants us to spend time together but he doesn't want to spend too much time together because he's still confused. Because of his confusion, I'm just here waiting confused on what's going on between us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 3:56pm
If he doesn't want to make plans with you, I think you have your answer. It's just one you don't want to see. He doesn't feel he can trust you, so he's considering his options. I sugest that you not let him make this decision for you--move on, don't just dangle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 4:14pm
We still share cell phones, credit cards, and bank accounts. Should I just take him off my cards and everything and cut off all communication then?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 4:27pm

Well, you ARE broken up.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 5:19pm
So, a few weeks ago I wrote him an email basically saying that I couldn't have any kind of communication with him until he made a decision and that I was giving him time and space to think things through. But, he never responded and just stopped calling and emailing, so I took that as if he didn't want to have anything to do with me. So the Thursday night that followed, I went out to a club with some girlfriends. Before we went to the club, we got ready at my friend's house, and the whole time, I was venting to them and her roommates about how I was so depressed and that I thought things were over between us. When we got to the club, my friend's roommate was there and he asked me if I wanted to get a drink and dance. I said sure because I didn't want to make everyone else depressed, and so he held my hand and walked me to the bar, etc. Every now and then he would put his arm around me to try and cheer me up but never tried anything more. However, when he held my hand or put his arm around me, turns out my ex was at the club and saw! That caused a fight between us because my ex didn't like what he saw and I was trying to explain to him that I thought things were over between us and he wasn't doing anything but trying to make sure I was having fun and I told him the guy was gay, but he wasn't, I just wanted to stop fighting over something that meant nothing. Eventually, I confessed and told him that the guy wasn't gay and after that whole mess was cleared up, we're slowly trying to work things out. He's not completely over the whole cheating incident, but what is holding him back from getting back with me exclusively, is me holding another guy's hand and lying about him being gay. How can I help him get over this so we can get back together?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 5:26pm

Well, he has no right to be upset about you holding hands with someone else, because the two of you aren't together! So that should be off the table altogether and if it's not, then I'm not sure I'd really want to get back together with someone who would hold that against me given that the two of you were broken up when this happened.

The lying is something else though--that goes to him getting his trust back and each time you lie to him, you make that impossible. You need to be absolutely impeccably honest with him or he's never going to be able to do that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 5:58pm

I agree with Sheri 100%.

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