Don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Don't know what to do
13
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 1:11pm
I was dating a guy for about 3 years, and while he was in Europe on a business trip, I started hanging out with this guy I had recently met. My intentions were to be his friend and nothing more, but one night he made a move on me and I went along with it. We started to have sex, but I stopped it because I didn't want to go any further because I knew it would hurt my boyfriend. I shouldn't have gone along with it in the first place, but I did. The next day, I called my boyfriend to let him know what happened because I felt he had the right to know, and I wouldn't be able to live with that guilt. So, of course he broke up with me, and we have now been broken up for 3 months. Although we broke up, it doesn't seem as if we did because we hang out on a regular basis, we go to each other's family functions etc. We still love each other a lot, and he told me that he's just not sure what he wants to do. He said he's torn between either to get back in relationship and work on it, or if he should just leave it as it is and move on. I told him that I still want to be with him and even wrote him a commitment letter telling him what I would do to gain back his trust in me again. Ultimately, it's up to him to decide the fate of our relationship but what can I do to help him make that decision(the us getting back together decision)?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 7:08pm
I lied at the time because I thought I could have avoided an unnecessary conflict between us but I know I shouldn't have lied and since then I've been completely open and honest with him. I'll tell him things without him having to ask. So, I know that he is trying to make things work, but I just don't know what else I can do to help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 6:21am

By now you have discovered that it's never wise to lie in order to avoid conflict--it just causes misunderstandings, and if the person you're with can't deal with the truth, what's the point of trying to be in a relationship? The important thing that is happening here, though, is your ex's reactions over the last several weeks, which lead me to believe that he has back-burnered you.

You started this thread in the middle of July, a little over three weeks ago. At that time, your ex was telling you that he wasn't sure he could trust you enough to make longterm plans with you; he didn't see a future. Nonetheless, you continued to hang out together, call each other, go places together, and share a cell phone plan, a bank account, and a credit card. Did you also continue to have sex? I'm guessing yes, because you felt that if you kept things as they had always been, he would get his head together and everything would be all right. His actions, however, suggest that he already knows what he wants: the convenience of a relationship with you while he keeps his options open.

At this point, he has been stringing you along for almost four months. When you sent him the email, he didn't respond in any way, so you reasonably assumed that as far as he was concerned, it was over. Did you cancel the cell phone plan, divide the checking account, and take your name off the credit card at that time? I'm guessing not, because you still wanted to get back together, and it's a pain in the neck to take your finances apart if you're just going to put them back together. Your ex interpreted your email coupled with no financial changes as a willingness on your part to be back-burnered. From his point of view, you were saying that you would wait patiently and faithfully for him to find someone else or decide to settle for you. When he saw you at the club, he realized that you had escaped from the box, and were preparing to have a life apart from him--not part of his plan.

He is grasping at straws and putting you on the defensive (very successfully!) when he says he can't get over seeing you holding another guy's hand. What was he doing at the club--studying sociology? He was there to meet girls, hold their hands, and dance with them. He shouldn't be criticizing you for doing the same thing. The lie, yes, you shouldn't have done it, and it shows that you need more backbone, but he backed you into a corner by getting argumentative about holding hands with another man.

The best thing you could do for yourself now would be to fix the money situation and move on. He isn't planning to make a future with you, and as long as he stays around, he is never going to let you make up for the two incidents that he feels make you untrustworthy.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 11:23am

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I understand why you lied, but it wasn't the right thing to do. See, if YOU get to decide when it's ok to lie (to avoid conflict, to spare his feelings, etc.), they he'll never be able to trust you, since he won't know when YOU decide it might cause a conflict, etc.

Make sense? Therefore, you have to just put yourself out there, tell the truth, and let the chips fall where they may. Bottom line is HE broke up with YOU, so therefore, you were holding someone else's hand, since you have no reason to be sitting around indefinitely, waiting for him to make up his mind.

My advice - divide the assets, the bills, CUT OFF contact, and go your separate ways. Tell him that if he decides that he wants to be in a REAL relationship with you (not just someone whom it's convenient to bring to family functions, talk to, have sex, whatever), then he knows how to get in touch with you. He's not going to forget you if you're not around to "remind" him of how great it is to be with you. That's just letting him have his cake and eat it too.

Be strong, be honest, and move on.

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