don't know what to do
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| Sat, 06-23-2007 - 11:49am |
I can't believe that I'm posting this message but I don't know who I could talk to about this problem.
I'm completely in love with my wife. We have been married almost 10 years. We have a wonderful little girl. My wife is my best friend. The problem, which apparently is not uncommon, is that we have a problem with intimacy. This has been a problem throughout our marriage. When I have tried to address the problem, it has always been more painful than when the problem is just ignored.
I am currently in a period of trying to address it and once again it has proven to be quite painful. I have sought out and read tons of relationship advice and have attempted to apply alot of what I have read. It is not working. I have become very weary of the process and the lack of reward. I do not ever want to lose the wonderful family that I have. With that in mind, I feel as though I just have to put up with a lack of intimacy. I have tried to talk to her about it but it never works. I have tried to be romantic and take her on dates and make time for just us but it is often difficult. I know that she loves me as much as I love her, but I do not know why this issue is always so awkward. I feel helpless to create any change in this situation.
Anyway, sorry for coming in here and whining. I don't think that this situation is any different than many couples suffer. I really at the bottom of my heart wish it would change but do not expect it ever will. I welcome any thoughts that anyone may have.

Welcome to the board txhusband,
Your wife's heart has to be in it for most things to work.
Thank you for your responses and the suggestions of books to read. I have suggested counseling in the past but she has been unreceptive of the idea. I am also aware of the connection between emotional intimacy and sexual desire. It is improved emotional intimacy which I am seeking in addition to an improved sex life. I have been very plain with expressing my hopes and wishes to her in the past, but never so much as I did with her following my starting of this discussion. She acknowledged the importance of our romantic life and seems to express understanding. We have reached this point in the past but seem to always revert to form. I am not suggesting that she is solely responsible for this. I have been a part of the problem as well, in addition to busy schedules and the demands of a family. I think that she really wants better emotional intimacy (as I do) but I think that she does not have the same need for a better sex life that I have.
I think that what I need to do is to continue to be persistent that this is indeed an issue which will demand constant attention. Hopefully, if this is done, we will not fall back into old patterns after things have improved for a short period of time.
Lack of intimacy is common, though it certainly not something that one would want to live with their whole life long. It can be handled and indeed it should be. There are two of you in the marriage and both should have at least a certain amount of satisfaction in this area. Clearly, there are deeper problems here than what you are aware of if it is so painful when the two of you try to discuss it alone. At times like these, it is helpful to go to a marriage counselor, or other well trained professional, who can guide the two of you to understand what is causing the problem and offer real help. If your wife is unwilling to do this, perhaps it would be a good idea for you to go yourself and get some specific guidance on how to deal with the issue. Often lack of intimacy is caused by some issues in the relationship that the individuals may be unaware of, or that haven't been handled, expressed or explored. It certainly is well worth while for the two of you to explore this, in a kind, healthy and professional way. It can only make the relationship stronger.
All good wishes,
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I guess that I go back to how one defines intimacy. My wife and I are very close and discuss much of our day to day lives with one another. I feel very close to her and a strong bond with her. I love her very much and believe that all of her feelings towards me are the same. Our relationship is very respectful of towards one another. We work together in all things . . . parenting, managing a household, etc. So, in a sense, one could say that we have a very intimate relationship.
Where I find our relationship to be lacking is making time for just the two of us and rediscovering romance and a desire for each other. I have been trying to make it be a priority. Last Friday, we scheduled a dinner date and it went very well for most of the night until the end when we had an argument which more or less ended the feelings of intimacy in this context. Over the weekend, we talked quite a bit. I really expressed my absolute need for us to have more of a romantic relationship. (I am not referring simply to a better sexual relationship but also to just the flirting and interaction that took place when we were dating.) She expressed understanding and the weekend ended very well.
This week, I have tried to continue to keep this issue in the forefront because, as I have mentioned, in the past when we have had these discussions we have always fairly rapidly returned to our familiar routines. I have noticed, however, that despite my attempts, things have returned to form. (No time set aside really for us and no idea when it might be available.) I plan to bring it up again tonight and to continue to attempt to address what I perceive to be a shortcoming in our relationship.
As far as our sexual relationship, we have never had any type of frequency and would only engage in any moments once every few months. I have always expressed that it is a very important thing to me, to little avail. She seems to enjoy it at times however, for the most part, it always seems to be something that she is enduring to placate me rather than something that she is enjoying participating in. It almost always seems to be something that she cannot wait until it is over. Prior to marriage, in my dating life, I never experienced anything like this with anyone. As one would imagine, this has created a situation which is not very appealing to me. As a result the frequency became even less because I really stopped trying. Through the years this has been very painful to me. When I have tried to address the situation and nothing particularly changes, it hurts and saddens me. In any event, I have decided that I am going to continue to persist in addressing these matters but it is very difficult.
I just want my relationship with the only woman in my life (now and hopefully forever) to be everything that it can be, both for her and for me.
I'm going to recommend two books Good Husband, Great Marriage by Robert Mark Alter. Intimacy issues often are a result of insensitivity of the partner and this book is great at helping you to see your wife and her life experience and needs in a whole new light. His chapter on male sexuality made me laugh out loud! The definition of insanity is performing the same behavior over and over again and expecting different results. At this point you need to accept that what you're doing isn't working and stop pushing her. Another possibility is any type of abuse in her past, especially sexual abuse and it's not just about physical violation. This book also covers that. Then there is The Kabballah Book of Sex by Yehuda Berg. It puts a whole new spin on what true intimacy is all about that you just don't see in this "quick fix", "what's in it for me" world we live in.
My friends who don't have sex with their husbands are married to men that for the most part disrespect women - ogling - comments - objectifying. No woman feels safe and valued with a man who behaves in this way. Anyway, it may be that your wife needs individual therapy if it's too painful for her to deal with.
Thank you for your responses. The last two posts have raised a couple of new items.
1. I should not ask my wife for more intimacy because she might resent it.(?) Why would my wife or any wife be resentful of a husband's expression of a desire to be intimate with her? This is an odd position for someone to take. I know from personal experience with regard to my marriage that when I have not made it an issue or requested or pursued more intimacy with my wife, it does not get better . . . then it almost never takes place. It would seem to me that it would be what a wife would want for a husband to express his desire to be intimate with her. If she is resentful of his desires for her, then what would she rather he do? In any event, I often try to do little things to let her know that I love and care for her. I have written her notes, gotten unexpected cards for her, bought flowers for her without a reason, etc. She always seems to enjoy and appreciate them, but . . . they haven't helped. Once again, I'd like to say that I love my wife and consider ours to be a happy marriage, but this is an area that I hope can improve for both of us.
2. In another post, someone suggested that I read the book Good Husband, Great Marriage by Robert Mark Alter, which I plan to do. It was said that, "intimacy issues are often the result of insensitivity of the partner." I am curious to read the book because I would certainly like to know if I am doing anything which might seem insensitive. It was also said, "y friends who don't have sex with their husbands are married to men that for the most part disrespect women - ogling - comments - objectifying. No woman feels safe and valued with a man who behaves in this way." I appreciate this point of view. I can say that I do not believe this to be a problem in my marriage. As an observation, however, I believe that human nature pushes a man to become more aware of other women the longer that a lack of intimacy persists (which can occur without ogling, comments or objectification of women). In any event, this becoming more aware of other women is something that I am not comfortable with and is not welcome. It contributes to the feelings of sadness or emptiness when I think about this area of my marriage which could improve. My wife is the person that I long for and the person that I want to be around.
Therefore, I will be reading more about how to improve my relationship as some of you have suggested. I do not think that I will not bring up the issues to her for any fear of making her resentful (ignoring the problem in the past has never helped). Anyway, this variety of posts (all appreciated) shows the wide diversity of approaches to problems such as this . . . which continues to show me that something which seems to me to not have the need to be complicated is indeed an extremely complicated matter.