don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
don't know what to do
7
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 12:48pm
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 years now(my first bf) and we have 2 children together. We have been living together for 3 years now. He has another gf, well kinda, he says he is still w/ her because she has his child (before ours) and that is the only reason why they still have something going but it's nothing more than that. He never has time to do anything with me because he is busy with work and all. But whenever she comes into town he always seem to have time, he says it's because he hardly gets to see them because they don't live here. It has reached to a point where I don't know what to do with this whole situation because we have children together so I can't just get up and go. I am very confused as to what I should do. It doesn't even feel right anymore when we have sex or anything because I keep thinking about them together. What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 1:49pm
Well...what do you feel like doing? you've got options - you can stay and ride it out, or you can pick up and leave. don't let children keep you feeling trapped, you raise them anyways because he's always working, so nothing changes really...except the extra space in the bed. Do you love him? do you want to work it out? do only what feels right to you, do what makes you happy. someone once told me that : if someone is not enhancing you life then why allow them to be in you life. Communicate...communicate. tell your BF that you feel like leaving him beacuse your fed up with him neglecting you. The thing with men is that if you don't tell them how you feel or to change things - they'll never know.

I hope i helped...even if just a little. good luck with everything.

Kylilla.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 2:42pm
Yes, I do love him very much. It's just that we have been together for so long and I don't know if things will change or will he always have to be with this girl because she has his first child. I've spoken to him but the only thing he could say about it is that he has to be with her because of his child and he tries to do what he can do when it comes to spending time here. He helps in a lot of other ways in my life but I don't know if I want to sit around waiting for a change. I'm not sure what I want to do just because we've been together so long and all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 2:51pm
Help me understand...

::We have been living together for 3 years now. He has another gf, well kinda, he says he is still w/ her because she has his child (before ours) and that is the only reason why they still have something going but it's nothing more than that.

He lives with you and visits her (or their child). Or he has something going on with her? He says he is still w/ her because she has his child - in what way is he WITH her - sexually, emotionally, physically?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 3:00pm
He still has a relationship with her. They have sex some times.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 3:09pm
Basically he says that he still has to have a relationship with her because of their child because he doesn't want to hurt his child with a break up so that is why he is still in a relationship with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 3:26pm
Does she know about you?

Hon, this man has the best of both worlds... he's having sex with two women who want him. What an ego-booster. He has no honor, no integrity, no loyality, isn't trustworthy, and NO INTEGRITY.

Why are you willing to SHARE a man? Don't tell me, you love him, right? Sorry I don't buy it. There is nothing to love, admire or respect about this man. You feel trapped. You think if you just hold on a little longer that he will come to his senses, be honorable, do the right thing. You might even think that if you don't give in and let him do what he wants that you will LOSE him forever. In my opinion, you will have lost nothing, but will have gained a ton in self-respect and self-esteem. why do you put up with this? Please know and believe that you are worthy of better, but you will be the one that has to set the boundaries, draw the line and enforce it.

Think of what he's teaching your children. He's teaching them that it's ok to sleep with two women, to have two relationships going at the same time, to lie, to cheat, to have no integrity - would you want your son to turn out this way? Would you want your daughter to marry someone with the same values as her father?

I hope you can do what you KNOW needs to be done and heal yourself.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 4:45pm
Dear, dear Deyauna! You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you didn't believe that was he is doing and how he has been behaving himself is wrong, you wouldn't have posted here. The right decision for one person is not necessarily the right decision for another. Having said that, here are a few things to think about: this man lives with you and your two children, yet he occasionally has sex with his gf/wife. To me, that's not acceptable. But is it to you? Do you mind having to share your man both emotionally and physically? He makes no time for you, yet he runs like the wind to her when she's in town? What's preventing them from being together full time? Does he talk about you to her the way he talks about her to you? I realize you have two children, which makes your situation all the more difficult, but that should not be a reason to stay with this person. Nor is the fact that you have been together for a long time. Believe me, your children can read you, and if you're not happy, they will know, and I don't think that that's what you want for them. If you leave him, what will change? Are you able to support yourself financially? If not, get crackin'. I've done it, and it helps tremendously with your self confidence, which then paves the way for you to make wise decisions. I think the pickle you're in just blows, and no woman should be disrespected the way you have been. The choice is yours, decide what matters to you, and proceed. But don't ley anyone else have control over your emotions, or the future of your children. And one final question...is he the role model you would like your two little ones to grow up with?