Don't know what to do?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Don't know what to do?!
5
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:05am
Hello all. I am in a 4 1/2 year relationship with my fiance. He drops the bomb on me this morning that he thinks that there is someone else in my life. This isn't the first time he's accused me of this. I don't know where he's getting these ideas, I go to work and come straight home every day. I asked him why he felt this way and told him that it really hurts me that he would feel like that. I mean, I have no reason to cheat on him, I'm very happy with our relationship. He then gets mad and says that he just won't tell me how he feels anymore if I'm going to get all emotional. What should I do? This gets old. It comes up at least once a year. Do you think he's cheating? I brought that up one time before because I've heard that it's usually the accuser doing the cheating and he hit the roof and told me that he's never felt this way about anyone else before and that he's very happy with me and I shouldn't even consider that! I just don't know. Anyone have any advice? Please help! This is going to be a terrible weekend if we don't resolve this issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:49am
I think that if you intend to continue with this relationship, and eventually marry this man - then you NEED TO get into couple's counseling. and if your DF suffers from personal issues (lack of trust, low self esteem, himself being a cheater) then he needs personal counseling. good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:52am
You need to be honest with yourself, what behaviors are you exhibiting that may lead this man to think you are cheating. If you feel nothing about you has changed then has he? Sometimes a man does not need to necessarily be cheating in order to be the accuser, maybe he is feeling insecure. But all in all don't base your decision on 4 1/2 years base it on your happiness. Can you handle this every year and maybe for 5 more years. I know it is easier said that done but sometimes we have to reevaluate our relationships. Is he the one for you? Are you the one for him? Do you deserved to be treated as an cheater if you are being faithful? Do you love yourself?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 10:22am

Sadly enough there is nothing you can do to get him out of this delusion. It is entirely his problem, something that surfaces from his own life and unconscious. Unless and until he realizes that this fear and suspiciousness is something in him that has nothing to do with you, he will continue to project his own worries upon you. Needless to say, this is not a healthy situation either for him or for you. You become the unfair recipient of his anger (for something you haven't done), and he loses touch with reality when this kind of projection goes on. Not only that, unless this syndrome is treated (professionally), it can get worse over the years and can occur with more frequency, and lead to all kinds of abuse. I wouldn't let it just slip by. I'd let him know that this is a serious problem that he, not you, has, and that unless he takes care of it professinally (with a trained psychologist), it will certainly interfere with your ability to stay in the relationship. As you already have, let him know you love him, but also that you will not be attacked for something you have not done. You also will not spend time defending yourself from unjust accusations. If he isn't willing or able to work on it, or take responsibility, then you must re-think this entire relationship and the consequences this problem can have.


Take good care,


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 11:43am
Thank you all for your advice. I guess I've kinda known all along that he's got some major insecurities. I still don't know what I should do. He would NEVER consider getting professional help and the one time I tried to he didn't agree with me at all. There's a lot more to my story and unless ya'll have a hundred years to read I won't get into all of it. He's got 3 kids, they are 19 (lives with her boyfriend and 14 month old baby), 17 (lives with worthless mother) and 15 (lives with us). I've had problems with the youngest that lives with us but I've never treated any of them like they're anything but my own. I've taken on a huge responsiblity with him and the kids. I don't know how to bring up the topic with him without him getting annoyed. He won't argue. If a conversation looks like it's going to start an argument he just tells me he won't argue and drops it. He says he and his ex-wife argued enough and he won't do it any more and especially not with me. This really stinks. I really love him but I just don't know how to deal with this properly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 1:00pm

I do hope you understand that this will NEVER be a healthy relationship. it sounds like he has issues that go waaaaaay beyond <<<some major insecurities>>>. in fact - falsely accusing a partner of cheating is one of the warning signs of an abuser. the trick is for YOU to be very clear on what YOU want and what you will or will not accept. if you believe he needs help, and you refuse to continue in the relationship until he gets help - then tell him that (in your own words). but DON'T even ATTEMPT to say anything unless you fuly intend to follow up, i.e. you walk if he refuses to get help.