Don't know what to do?!
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Don't know what to do?!
| Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:05am |
Hello all. I am in a 4 1/2 year relationship with my fiance. He drops the bomb on me this morning that he thinks that there is someone else in my life. This isn't the first time he's accused me of this. I don't know where he's getting these ideas, I go to work and come straight home every day. I asked him why he felt this way and told him that it really hurts me that he would feel like that. I mean, I have no reason to cheat on him, I'm very happy with our relationship. He then gets mad and says that he just won't tell me how he feels anymore if I'm going to get all emotional. What should I do? This gets old. It comes up at least once a year. Do you think he's cheating? I brought that up one time before because I've heard that it's usually the accuser doing the cheating and he hit the roof and told me that he's never felt this way about anyone else before and that he's very happy with me and I shouldn't even consider that! I just don't know. Anyone have any advice? Please help! This is going to be a terrible weekend if we don't resolve this issue.

Sadly enough there is nothing you can do to get him out of this delusion. It is entirely his problem, something that surfaces from his own life and unconscious. Unless and until he realizes that this fear and suspiciousness is something in him that has nothing to do with you, he will continue to project his own worries upon you. Needless to say, this is not a healthy situation either for him or for you. You become the unfair recipient of his anger (for something you haven't done), and he loses touch with reality when this kind of projection goes on. Not only that, unless this syndrome is treated (professionally), it can get worse over the years and can occur with more frequency, and lead to all kinds of abuse. I wouldn't let it just slip by. I'd let him know that this is a serious problem that he, not you, has, and that unless he takes care of it professinally (with a trained psychologist), it will certainly interfere with your ability to stay in the relationship. As you already have, let him know you love him, but also that you will not be attacked for something you have not done. You also will not spend time defending yourself from unjust accusations. If he isn't willing or able to work on it, or take responsibility, then you must re-think this entire relationship and the consequences this problem can have.
Take good care,
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
I do hope you understand that this will NEVER be a healthy relationship. it sounds like he has issues that go waaaaaay beyond <<<some major insecurities>>>. in fact - falsely accusing a partner of cheating is one of the warning signs of an abuser. the trick is for YOU to be very clear on what YOU want and what you will or will not accept. if you believe he needs help, and you refuse to continue in the relationship until he gets help - then tell him that (in your own words). but DON'T even ATTEMPT to say anything unless you fuly intend to follow up, i.e. you walk if he refuses to get help.