don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
don't know what to do
1
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:17pm
My husband and I have been argueing a lot recently. He is very angry and is not talking to me right now. It is my fault because sometimes I feel like he treats other women better then me. He works long hours and hardly ever comes home before 7:30 pm. We hardly every eat dinner together. We've been married for 4 years now. I'm pregnent with our first child who is due next month. He talks to this one lady like they are best friends and he never talks to me like that. That's not why I feel upset. I feel upset because this woman ignores me when I say something directly to her but will spend quite a bit of time talking to my husband. I mentioned to him last winter about if there was anything going on between the 2 of them. He said nothing is going on and I shouldn't be suspicious. He also said he doesn't talk to her anymore but recently for some reason I keep feeling that may be he is talking to her when I'm not around. I mentioned it to hime this weekend and now he is really angry and said he wants to move out because I don't trust him. He also said he'll do anything to get custody of our child.

I guess I understand why he is so angry but at the same time I feel like he doesn't care about how I feel at all. I'm along at home with a dog most of the time while he works long hours. He brings his work home with him too. I don't even remember the last time he did anything romantic for me. I envy couples who celebrate each others birthdays and wedding aniversaries because we never do. I used to get cards and gifts for him all the time but I stopped doing those because I never get anything. Asking him to go out to dinner with me is like asking him for a chore unless we are dining with friends. I can never say anything about any of these things because he doesn't seem to listen to any of it.

He is very happy about being a father and talks about the things he'll do with the kid. Sometimes I feel like he wants to be with a more ambitious woman who is smarter and makes more money than I do. Now he is upset because he thinks I'm accusing him of cheating on me. I know that he is not cheating on me but I think that he prefers someone else over me. Today I'm feeling like that he thinks I'm not gonna be a good mother. For some reason that makes sadder than anything else.

I don't know how to fix any of it. I'm want to believe that my husband only loves me. But he doesn't seem to be there for me emotionaly. When I'm sad and upset about whatever reason I can never tell him about it because he'll either just not say anything or just say that it's all in my head or that I'm bitching.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 4:10pm
I just have to wonder reading your post, why did you marry this man and how long had you known him before you did? Unfortunately, YOU cannot fix any of this by yourself. It's nice that you are trying to understand his feelings and the motivations behind his behavior, but what exactly is he putting into this marriage besides a paycheck? Your feelings are valid, that's all I can tell you. You are not being a bitch or being unreasonable. You want a healthy, happy marriage and you don't have one. But it takes 2 emotionally healthy people to develop a healthy successful relationship.

I suppose with a baby on the way you won't be able to get to counselling anytime soon, but go as soon as you can, even if he won't go with you. Unhappiness is the result of poor choices in life. And when poor choices are made, the only remedy is to learn from your experiences and make wiser choices in the future. You will never change him, his feelings, thoughts or behaviors. You can only change your reaction to them and your own subsequent choices and decisions based on them. I'm sorry you're in this bad situation. Maybe you could do some reading while you're sitting home alone that would help you better decide where to go from here. If you ask on this board you will get many suggestions (start with Phil McGraw).

P.S. Congratulations and good luck on the birth of your first child. Hugs.