Don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Don't know what to do
2
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:41am
Me and my spouse have been married for 5 1/2 years and have a 4 1/2 year old son together. We have had some pretty serious problems over the duration of the marriage primarily due to me not being as understanding as I should have been and him not communicating with me when things bothered him. I got pregnant within 3 months of us getting married so we never really got to fully bond as a newlywed couple and we got to spend so little time together that I ended up becomming the stereotypical nagging wife when we were together.

The past 2 years have been even harder since he finally found a job he enjoys but it one keeps him away from home all the time plus it is a job I did once before and felt was not a stable one since pay is based only on commissions. It is one of those jobs where the workers load up their vehicles with some sort of merchandise (in this case art) and drive around on their own dime selling to anyone and everyone who is willing to buy. Most of us hate these type of people because they bug the snot out of you in the parking lot. Anyway I hated this job and I expressed it very verbally for about the first 6 months of it and somehow managed to make him feel isolated and unsupported. He started coming home later and later everyday to avoid me. Then it happened and he had an affair and said he thought that I didn't love him anymore. Well he ended it but I was devastated and had a hard time coping for a couple of months. Once I finally got to a point where I could deal with it he ended up transferring to DC to help train and run another office (we live in Virginia Beach 3 1/2 hours away) He rarely got to come home and this kept me not very positive at times when we talked. Now he is back in the area for about a month waiting to transfer to Raleigh, NC but will not come home at all and up until about a week ago had made up stories to make me think he was out of town but was busted when I spoke to our car insurance adjuster about his car that was totaled about 3 weeks ago and she said he had called and left his work number for her to call him and it was still in Virginia Beach.

After that we finally started real communications and being honest with each other and he told me he wanted to end it in a big blowout that was just a flatout argument. Many cruel things were said some of which seem untrue and on the defensive from him like he is trying to convince himself of to make the blow easier such as he said he has not loved me for over 6 years but we have been married for only a little over 5 and his actions toward me before all this didn't say that either. I was just unsupportive and to be honest took him for granted when I should have treated him much better. All his coworkers know about the way I acted towards him 2 years ago and this apparantly has him hiding the fact we were still together up until this point. Over the next 2 days the mood of the conversation changed drastically. It went from we are over to the next day of we need to be apart and he needs to sort out his life and focus on work to the final say was that if he were to come home now then things would still be the same and nothing would change and we must have this time apart. I know what I did was wrong and how to make him happy again but I want to give him his space and freedom so he does not feel I am pushing. I also fear that the longer he stays away the less the chance of him realizing that he belongs with his family and we love him very much. Primarily because he works with many single people who like to constantly have fun and since this is his world he does not seem to know what we have is a normal relationship and he will never be happy with anyone if he has the idea that that is a normal lifestyle because no matter who he is with...the newness will always wear off and he will be right back in the same boat.

What should I do and how should I do it without seeming pushy but at the same time make him realize I was wrong know how to fix it and he belongs with his family? So far all I know to do is let him have his time to do what he wants to do and when we talk keep the emphasis on we miss him and love him and want him home when he is ready. Am I fooling myself or is there a fighting chance to fix things?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:06pm
Is there anyone who has some advice for me? Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 6:58pm
Well, the only thing that I can say is that maybe he does need time to think. I think that you are making the right choice in letting him be alone for a while. Let him know that you do love him and want to make it work. As far as his job goes, he is the one who has to work it and if he enjoys it thats his choice.