don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
don't know what to do
3
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 11:32am
Hi,

I have never done this before so I am not even sure where to start. I have recently, 3 and 1/2 months ago left a 5 year relationship with a guy who didn't want to get married to me so he lied about it and made up stories about my ring being sold that we had picked out, that he was sick, that he wasn't ready for marriage, that he didn't know, and so on. Anyhow, I got tired of waiting for him to figure it out, so I left. I have my own house now and am doing my own thing. I have went on a couple dates and have not had much success. I am just not attracted to the guys people are setting me up with. Well, as of late, my ex has been calling me saying that he has made a mistake, that he realized what he had is exactly what he wants, that he is willing to give it his all, that he wants me to forgive him because he is sorry and so on. I just don't know if I believe him or not. He had so many chances when we were together, that I just can't believe that now he means it. My family and friends would be so disappointed in me if I gave him another chance because even though I was going to marry him, they did not think he was right for me and still don't. I ask them if it is possible for someone to change once they realize that they have messed up and really know what is important to them. And they say it is possible, but not with Timm (my ex). They never thought he was right for me, but they just sucked it up and gave him a chance they said. They didn't like the way he treated me and felt I deserved better. I do love him though even after all of this. I am afraid though that I will make a wrong decision. Give him another chance and then realize that I won't ever be happy. OR Don't give him a chance and ruin my shot at happiness. I just don't know what to do. My family feels very strongly that I shouldn't even listen to him, that I should change my cell phone number and never look back, but I am not so sure. I like to hear that he may have changed and that he wants me back and I wonder if maybe, just maybe, people can change and he will be what I always wanted him to be. How do you know?

Signed,

confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 1:43pm
I really hate to say it, but it sounds like this is the classic "promise them the world when you're about to or have lost them." He may change, however, it's not something I would count on necessarily, and I definitely would NOT jump into any long-term plans at the very least. If you want to give him a trial run, that is up to you. But don't jump into anything. And if you do go out with him, DO NOT think that his behavior in the first couple of days/weeks signifies a complete change. He's trying to woo you back, so of course he's going to promise everything and do everything. Once he's got you again, that all might change. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 2:06pm
How did he approach you? If he came on bended knee with a ring, I might think he was serious, if not, then he might be saying all this because he's lonely, misses you and wants to win you back. Also, did he suggest pre-martial counseling? If not, again, I'm not sure I'd buy his words....I'd want to see action.

Here's a story for you. My cousin lived with a woman, they had issues and where in couple's counseling as her 10 yr old died in a car accident. Anyway, after grief therapy was over, she realized that my cousin wasn't willing to committ, didn't express and show love, etc. So she asked him to move out. He did. For about 2 months, he was soul searching, they remained friends, he'd go to her house and check on it, feed their cat, etc, then she started dating, he couldn't stand it - he contacted her job, asked for a week off for her for vacation, asked her to go with him. She agreed, he proposed on vacation. They married - 5 yrs later and 2 kids later, they are still together and when I see them, I believe they are happy. He put his money where is mouth was. He didn't just give her lip service, but followed through with action.

Good luck on your decision.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 8:57am
Hello heidi,

The way I see it, is that only you can answer this one, you know in your heart how you feel. However, i think that you should consider the fact that rather than communicate the fact he wasn't ready for that commitment, he just lied and lied about it. this will cause you problems later down the line, if he hasn't matured enough to be straight with you.