Don't know what to do anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Don't know what to do anymore
3
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 3:44pm
I am 7 years older than my BF. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and have been divorced for going on 9 years now. BF and I have had a very up and down relationship as we are in different places a lot of the time. I am done with the whole partying thing and he's just now starting to realize that he's getting too old for that too. He loves to do things on his own though and we don't do a lot together, even though he does live with me. We broke up and he moved out about 7 months ago, but then I found out I was pregnant and he moved back in. He is very quick to judge and I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells around him. He doesn't trust women at all, I am constantly hearing about how all women cheat, no matter what and no woman can be trusted. Even though I am 7 months pregnant he's always thinking I'm out cheating on him. If I'm not walking around with a constant smile on my face then something is wrong with me and I have attitude. I am not allowed to have a "down" day or he gets upset with me. The other day over something so stupid, should have never started an argument, he said I had attitude with him and he kicked the back of my chair really hard. My back is still hurting from it, 3 days later. He said some really horrible things that he took back immediately, but I don't know what to do with this now. He said that the only reason he's with me is because of the baby and that we will NEVER get married. Within 10 minutes of saying that, he was apologizing and saying that he loves me more than anything, that I am the "love of his life" and he's sorry. I just don't understand him at all and will appreciate any advice/insight I can get.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 4:32pm
He doesn't trust women, he's verbally abusive, and he kicked the back of your chair during an argument, while you were pregnant. Any one of the above reasons enough to break up, and move him out. I don't think you need to *understand* him, because what you know of him- is that the relationship with him is an unhappy one. Also, he could be right about just being with you for the baby. I don't think that's reason enough to stick together. Overall, two unhappy parents together is more damaging to a child, that parents who are separate, but happy.

-c-

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 5:01pm

It sounds as though you are with a disturbed and disturbing man. Clearly he has tremendous insecurity, along with all kinds of almost paranoid projections onto you. The fact that he thinks your cheating, although 7 months pregnant, shows a lack of touch with reality. He needs psychological help badly. Also, the fact that he kicked the chair you were on and you are still hurting is extremely troubling. This is an abusive relationship and abusive relationships often escalate. This behavior on his part is totally unacceptable. You need help to be clear, safe and cared for.


I would immediately seek counseling and also learn of support groups for abused women. Simply by attending you will learn more about the nature of abuse, what it consists of and how it develops. Be careful. It's impossible to always go around with a smile on your face. And, it's impossible to make someone who has so much inner turmoil happy, or to understand the truth about yourself. He needs help desperately, but it doesn't sound as though he's ready to face himself or take responsibility. Right now you need help in sorting this situation out, in making sure you're safe and protected and doing what's right and healthy for you and your new baby.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 7:42pm

He sounds abusive and volatile. This is not a realtionship that will thrive long term because of the way he treats and because he doesn't seem to be really "in it" (he does his own thing and you don't do a lot together).

Abusive men will be mean one minute, then repentant the next. It's a pattern. It's a game. They can't be changed because you simply do not possess that kind of power.

You need to make some really difficult decisions about your future and the future of your child. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I hope you find the strength to do what's right for you all.