Don't understand... is he done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
Don't understand... is he done?
10
Sun, 09-18-2011 - 1:54pm

Hi everyone, thanks in advance for any objective opinions anyone might have, I feel like I can't figure out what's going on.

I've had a friend for about 4 years. He got separated almost two years ago. About 6 months after that we had about a one month "fling" (really just made out a couple times). He then completely disappeared and I didn't hear from him for about 5 months. I ran into him this spring, we were both

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Sun, 09-18-2011 - 2:37pm
Lilyblue- I've said this many times and this is something you already know. Our intuition is sometimes the best protection we have when we feel something isn't right. If you feel something is wrong, then there usually is something wrong. He is newly divorced and still not completely free from his past marriage. Until he his, he cannot be in a vested relationship with you. The other thing that really bothers me is that you have shown him who you are and what you are all about but he is not reciprocating. He cannot even be honest with you about what is really going on in his life. He also on many occasions has been rude and disrespectful by standing you up, being unresponsive. You have proven your loyalty time and time again and he knows you will be there for him no matter what. You deserve much much more than this. I'm guessing you are a runner? That tells me you have great mental strength. I know you are emotionally vested in this man, but I think it's time to draw on your incredible strength and cut this guy loose. Like a runner, you also have stamina and determination. He will not like your strong stance and will try to manipulate you back but you can't stop halfway thru your race, you have to finish it. You may be running away from him but you are also running towards your future where a wonderful man awaits who will treat you like you deserve. As for your question is he done? I don't feel that he ever genuinely started. He is a very weak. I wish you the best. So so sorry for the pain you are feeling. It just sucks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
Sun, 09-18-2011 - 2:57pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sun, 09-18-2011 - 7:25pm
What he says and what he does is two different things. I like to say, I can tell you I'm the Duke of Earl, but when you see me it's obvious I'm not! So, would you still believe I'm the Duke of Earl if I insisted I was?

Obviously, you want to hang on to hope he "changes" back into the guy he was in the beginning. That's probably what all those other women hoped, and see where that got them. Of course, he'll tell you you're "different" and "special", but again, that's more talk. Talk, talk, talk...if his actions don't match his talk, then you know what to do. It's up to you if you want to do it, or just sit around rationalizing and waiting.

BTW, funny how someone else has almost the same screen name as me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Sun, 09-18-2011 - 11:48pm
Lily- the good news is you don't have to make a decision right this second. But the cost is to yourself. Saying he is ready and being ready by acting ready isn't the same. You are incredibly loyal to someone who doesn't seem to be giving what you are. When you are having a rough week would you disappear from from your boyfriend or even your good friend? he knows you will be there for him. Because you always have. That said I hope for you that he becomes the man that you want and deserve. Time tells all, it always does. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 09-19-2011 - 12:23am

YOu think he got drunk about something with money and his ex wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 09-19-2011 - 9:25am

This is a classic power struggle. Women have no idea how much power they give to a man when they focus on questions like "is he done?" "what is he thinking?" "what does he want?" "why did he do this to me?"

Instead, why aren't you asking the important questions? The questions about YOU? "why am I willing to accept this?" "why did I go back to someone I don't trust?" "am I making the best decisions for myself?"

This man is not the sun in your own solar system. YOU are. So why are you throwing yourself at his mercy and then asking yourself what he wants to do with you? Why don't YOU get to make decisions? The way you take the power back is to say "I'm not going to put up with this BS anymore" and dump him.

Whining about how disrespected you feel, talking about how sad you are, telling him you won't stand for things going back to the way they ended up last time, getting huffy because he stood you up... Those are the actions of POWERLESS people. You're trying to get him to change so that you can be treated better, but your words are just words, and he knows that. The kind of men who take advantage of women (him, for example) love this stuff. All they have to do is apologize once in a while in order to keep the status quo.

You're powerless here until you are willing to end the relationship for good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 09-19-2011 - 12:40pm

Totally agree! If you accept it, they'll continue to do it.

If you have self respect, you won't accept it!

Why worry about "why"??? It's a person who doesn't care, despite protestations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 09-19-2011 - 6:01pm

Awesome post Crab.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2008
Mon, 09-19-2011 - 7:44pm
Interesting everyone, and thank you.

The drinking wasn't a result of the ex, that was the night before the other stuff happened. The drinking was a result of football. He's done the "playing" (with other women I mean) for over a year now and says he's over that. His word is all I have to go on regarding that, and he expressed that when we started dating, he wanted it to be exclusive.

The stuff that has happened in the past week has not been good, but I guess I posted here to gain some perspective on whether for one bad week I should discount all of the good. I still don't know the answer to that. Am I willing to accept these actions that have already been done because there is the potential of a great relationship with someone who I care about a lot? I would be, yes. If it's a trend, then no. I guess I just may have answered my own question in that time will tell more. I feel like telling him I was sad and actually having a conversation about it is a logical first step before ending things, not a move of weakness necessarily.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2011
Tue, 09-20-2011 - 12:27am
Hi,iam going through the same thing. I had to walk a way. What I've learned is you have to listen to your gut. If it doesnt feel right 99.9% of the time its not right. I can tell you want it to work out but he's not ready for you. Love yourself more let go.