Don't Want To Divorce.... HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Don't Want To Divorce.... HELP
3
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 10:30pm
my husband and I have been married for only 6 months. we have been together for over 4 years. i just found out i am pregnant for the first time. however, i am starting to doubt my marriage. we are having huge money problems and fight all the time because of it. we just bought our first house, and we are already on the verge of foreclosure because it turns out we can't afford it even though my husband promised me we could. my credit just got screwed because of this house and our financial rut and my credit is all we have (he has identity theft so his credit is useless).on top of this, my husband keeps promising me that he will lose weight and take better care of himself, but he just promises that in order to shut me up. he never actually does anything about it. he watches way too much tv and hes become a couch potato. it is REALLY bothering me and he doesnt really care about changing to make me happy. I am so miserable that I am on the verge of leaving him and raising this baby myself since i dont believe in abortion. i know he is working hard to provide for me and that we are just in a huge dry spell. i dont know whether i should leave him or not. should i? i love him so much and i want to make this work, but it doesnt look like he cares and i am completely resenting him for all the bad things that have happened lately and i dont know how to stop resenting him. help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 4:07am

Hi Ortalkavon. I've got a lot of questions before I can give any answers. (forgive the ex-banker in me but for things such a mortgages - practicalities come before emotions)

Is it a joint mortgage?

Is it a reputable lender? And if so, have you approached them regarding refinancing to a longer term therefore lessening your monthly payments?

If you are a joint signee, did you do sums before signing your name to it? Did you plan for things such as pregnancy, unemployment and interest rate rises before putting pen to paper?

Regarding the credit theft.... How recently did this happen? Because if it was before you married, I don't understand how he got a mortgage. If you're not working (you said he provides for you) and he's got no credit because of the theft, it just doesn't make sense that anyone would lend money to you (plural).

As far as the weight and couch potato thing goes...did you marry a fit, active man who turned into a sloth when you married?

Lastly, what do you see as being your own responsibities here?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 10:10pm

Well, from your post, you sound very frustrated but also said that this is just a "dry spell." So, if you think it really is something that will pass, then I would try to work through it. As you start that process, you may get a better idea as to if this will work long-term or not.

It sounds like you have three problems -- finances (which cause arguments), baby on the way, and couch potato.

Has he just turned into a couch potato? Perhaps you could encourage him to talk walks with you, etc. Also, since you are pregnant, you will probably need to focus on your own health, your dietary needs may change, etc. This would be a good opportunity for him to get involved. You might even ask your doctor to mention it if he goes with you to the appointments. Even though you are mad at him for sitting on his butt a lot, I think that you have to find ways to channel your hostility, or the resentfulness will overcome you. Even though he may not change overnight, I think that you need to find a way to clear your head of this. You said that he works hard to provide -- try to focus your energy on this.

A baby will certainly add stress, but it can also be a wonderful loving experience to plan for a baby.

As far as the finances...

If his identity was stolen, he should try to get it back immediately. He should contest anything incorrect on his credit report and report the identity theft. Many states have an indentity theft department.

You could try debt counseling. You may be able to consolidate debts or negotiate lower rates for credit cards.

I know that this is an added expense, but with a mortgage and baby on the way, you might want to look into disability and life insurance if you don't already have it.

Like another poster mentioned, you might want to look into a different mortgage. This would mean added costs, but perhaps you could extend it or even do an ARM and refinance in a few years. If not, you might again want to talk to someone about your options. You could perhaps even sell the house, even if it meant losing some of the equity in the house, to dump the high mortgage and then get something less expensive. Regardless of what you do financially, you need to be really involved in the process this time, because it's your credit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 11:10pm
The house is in my name alone. We thought everything out before we signed for the mortgage. But the second we got the keys, we ran into a dry spell with work. I had to leave work at my doctor's request because of my pregnancy, and all of a sudden, my husband's financial river ran dry. he is trying his best and working long hours, but things just aren't going well. I might be a little superstitious, but I think this house may not be that blessed when it comes to luck.
I married a fit, strong, sexy, ambitious man who turned into a couch potato. And maybe a couch potato is an understatement. He says he uses tv in order to zone out and get away from reality.
We tried speaking to our loan servicing company, but they won't offer us anything. I don't know if you have heard of them (Litton Loan Servicing), but they are so incredibly rude and cold-hearted. We told them that we have a buyer who will buy the house for what we owe on it, but all we ask is a reduction in our pre-payment penalty since it would have to come out of our pocket. They immediately said that they would rather let us go into foreclosure.
I know what my responsibilities are, and I WISH i could go back to work, but my doctor says I have to stay home and take it easy. Me being unable to help is just stressing me out more.