Doomed to fall into the same trap?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Doomed to fall into the same trap?
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 1:40pm
Hi, I am very depressed recently. I broke up with my husband a year ago. One of the major reasons, according to my friends, is that he is starting to take me for granted. They say that I have always been just giving wholeheartedly without asking for anything. That is true to some extent. I don't know why but I seem to dislike costing him money or costing him time to do me something, like buying flowers or some more luxurious stuff, going out, even like picking me up. But I have been helping him with everything, including writing personal statements for his graduate school applications (which helped him go into an Ivy League) and half a dozen papers afterwards for his graduate courses. Is it really abnormal? Maybe I am just such a efficiency type person that I don't want help only if I really cannot manage on my own. I really like helping with others, but I don't like to ask my loved ones to do things for me because I care about them. Is this wrong?

Recently I have become even more depressed because the same thing seems to be happening between one of my best friends and me. I have always been so good to her, helping her babysit often, buying presents for her kid, helping her with computer set-up and giving her equipment for free, finding out information for her, all out of emotion I guess. But recently she was giving me a hard time just because I wasn't careful in saying something. All the good I have done she seems to have completely forgot. Before my face, she even treats a far acquaitance much better than me. I am so broken-hearted. Coupled with the fact that I had this tragedy with my husband, this is making me feeling a crisis of self-esteem. I am feeling that there must be something seriously wrong with me.

The worst thing that I am worrying is that whether the same tragedy is going to happen to the relationship I am currently having. I am hanging out with a man for about a month now. Up to now it has been very good. But now I am worrying that this syndrome is going to again be fatal to me. Just some examples, last time he offered to go shopping some clothes for me since he asked me to put some clothes in his place so that I can pop over whenever I can, I declined and said I can bring some clothes over myself. We were planning a vacation together, and I seemed very concerned about getting some low prices for hotels. I often offered to do things for him, but didn't really want to expect him to do something for me. All of the time I seem to strive for economy and efficiency, but is this good for the relationship, especially early on? Is being considerate on my part going to on the contrary make me cheap in his mind, and in the long run I am going to be unhappy again? My friends say I should make it harder for a man to get me, but I am not doing this. Already I am acknowledging his calling me his girlfriend.

Please help! I am really feeling sorry for myself as if I am the most helpless in this world. How should I behave? Should I behave just the way I have been or I should really try to be smarter?