this is a doozy - really need help now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
this is a doozy - really need help now.
3
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 7:22pm
Please please help. I am 38 years old, my love is 42.

I've been in love witht the same man for 17 years, and we do have something very special together. He has confided to a mutual friend that I am probably the love of his life, he has told me the same in the past and he is the love of my life. We have broken up three times and he always comes back. Once upon a time, when he was confused in the past, he went away for a vacation only to decide he loved me that he was sure, that I was "the one". I know he loves me very much right now. This time around we'll have been together for 8 years, and been happy for the most part. We have built a life together. We were engaged, but never went through with the wedding, too complicated, too expensive etc. We have many mutual friends some from my side, but mostly from his side. When we moved into our house a year ago, he wanted to plan on children, I wanted to wait for the financial stability. I have also been working for him, and have been his partner through it all. We are in the bar, nightclub business. He has relied on me for help in every venture he has undertaken and I have worked very hard for him, sometimes with no compensation. He has at times fought with me about my getting a job and I have tried and looked and looked. But then a new project comes up and he has needed me and I put looking on hold, then the baby thing came up. In the past four years, since he moved in with me and we have moved together twice, we have had problems, but we have had a really hard time talking to each other.

He recently went into a new venture with a partner, but his partner got into trouble a few weeks ago and may have to back out. I have been filling part of his partner's obligations by working shifts that need to be filled as well as other things. When we started the new venture I thought it might bring the financial stability I wanted to start a family, and I quit my birth control (Depo-Provera) so that I could get it out of my system to concieve this year. I didn't tell him, because I wanted to give my body time to adjust, which is awful, because now my sex drive has gone through the roof.

Two months ago he met another woman, younger than myself, she is many of the things and has qualities he does not like. People around "us" dislike her intensely, and have been telling me it won't last. He swears up one side and down the other that he has not slept with her, and does not plan to. Other people say he is not sleeping with her. I believe him. But has been staying out late after work with her and she is constantly hanging around him, and he is constantly running off to see her and making it painfully obvious to me. He has told mutual friends that he doesn't even plan on having a relationship with her if we do break up. That I don't believe. I know a bit about her and know some of the people she has dated and a few of the people she has slept with and she is NOT "safe'. I have been healthy all my life and will not sleep with him if he does sleep with her, she does not practice safe sex, will not wear a condom, and I don't like those odds. I have flown VERY off the handle. Cried, screamed, pleaded, begged. The tension has become unreal. Sometimes he even ignores his business, when he shouldn't, just to be with her and her friends. And I am always very angry with him for seeing her. He says I have been angry with him all the time for years, which is very untrue, he drives me a little crazy sometimes, but I love him, I think he was misunderstanding me all the time. He says he is confused and doesn't know what he wants.

A month ago we sat down to talk about what we are going to do about us, we discussed a trial separation, which is something I really do not want, he wants me to be more independent, to "go out and find myself", which is hard considering the position I am in financially, (very broke), and work wise (I work for him - and I really do love my job.) We discussed working on our relationship, and maybe seeing a counselor, which is something I very much want. Again he said he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. I have so many things I want to tell him, and get him to work on. I do know we have problems, but I want to save our relationship.

Two weeks ago he was even loving toward me we had friends over after work and had a great time. When they left, we talked a little and agreed that for a few hours it had been nice to be "us" again.

We went to bed, made love and it was good, physically and emotionally for both of us.

A week ago we sat down and talked and he gave in on the "separation" thing, he said he really does want to continue living with me, but that he is really "interested in this woman" We talked about my finding a job, and I am looking pretty much everywhere. We discussed sleeping arrangements and he still wants us to share our bed. We talked about counseling and giving me equal time, a date, some time alone together, if I gave him the freedom to see her and talk to her sometimes. But all he is doing is pushing me away. I have even tried to be sweet and nice, and flirt with him. And he is just rejecting me. I need his love and support to get through, I want to put the past behind us and move toward the relationship we could have.



This morning he said he thinks our relationship is over, that there is nothing left. I don't want us as a couple to make what could turn out to be the biggest mistake of our lives. I have seen other people do it and never recover.

Do I have the right to ask him to stop seeing her? Can I still ask him to we go to counseling to see iff there is anyhting left between us? Should I still work with him? I reallly need and love my job. Do I have the right to ask for anything?

We are going to sit down after work tonight and talk, and now I am so confused?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 9:10pm
I'm sorry this is so frustrating for you. I think you know the answer.

Your own words:

"I know a bit about her and know some of the people she has dated and a few of the people she has slept with and she is NOT "safe'. I have been healthy all my life and will not sleep with him if he does sleep with her, she does not practice safe sex, will not wear a condom, and I don't like those odds."

"We discussed sleeping arrangements and he still wants us to share our bed. We talked about counseling and giving me equal time, a date, some time alone together, if I gave him the freedom to see her and talk to her sometimes."

"Do I have the right to ask him to stop seeing her?" Are you open to him seeing others? or are you a one man woman? You know what will happen if he sees her. Would you take him back if he left her? Do you know what your rights are? Do you know that you don't have to ask his permission and you don't have to put up with his behavior. It doesn't matter how hard anybody worked for anyone. Intimacy and work are 2 totally different things. You can't hold him back. You can only let him go. His heart isn't with you, it's with her.

He wants his freedom to wander, but he always wants the door open to come back.

You've committed yourself to this relationship as if you are married, in supporting him in his business and emotionally - the whole bit. It isn't an equal relationship when he wants out whenever he another woman catches his interest. He should be redirecting that interest back to you or himself out the door. Taking a break because he's confused might be one thing. Taking a break to check out another woman is another. "I'm confused" in this situation is the excuse not the reason. Don't let him do this to you. Let him out, then lock the door.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 11:18am
It is amazing to me what you are putting yoruself through. He cheats on you and you allow it. You break up and get back together with no positive change in between, He calls the shots.

Why are you confused? He met another woman and he wants out. It seems pretty simple to me and you need to look at it that way for your well being. Don't wait around for him to come back to you. It wasn't meant to be or you would be married and happy and wouldn't be breaking up all the time.

'he wants me to be more independent, to "go out and find myself", '

It is a just a polite way of saying he wants you to leave and he hopes you meet someone else so it will be easier on him.

'Do I have the right to ask him to stop seeing her?'

You can ask him anything you want but he has told you he wants out. Do you really think he will say 'o.k.' and you will go on to have a healthy, monogamous relationship?

'Can I still ask him to we go to counseling to see iff there is anyhting left between us?'

Ask him but if he really wants out then counseling will not help. If you both decide you do want to make it work then counseling is necessary.

But don't you think you deserve better than this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 8:55pm
I am not sure how your discussion went last night, none the less I felt a compelling need to reply to your posting. It sounds like your are in alot of pain. Although, you both were not married, you were committed and shared lives, like a married couple. Thus it is understandable why you are in alot of pain. You noted that you cared about this man, and that is completely understandable, you have been a part of each other live for such a long time. Regardless of the hurt we experience, it is not as though we just stop caring completely. Subsequent to reading your posting, I felt the need to ask do you think perhaps part of the pain you are experiencing is fear. It sounds as though you two have spent a large portion of your lives together,and planned for the future together I imagine it must be scary to begin to imagine a future not together. If this is the case I hope you find strenght to go ahead with your counseling plans, regardless of wether you with this man. Sometimes a relationship take up some much of our time in thoughts, emotins, and even efforts that we stop taking the time to love ourselves. You don't deserve to be with someone who isn't willing to commit to just you, espcially after such a long time. Loving yourself means being able to realize this, realize you deserve more. You sound like a very strong woman. Again counseling can be the best forum for you to take the time to explore yourself and work through all the things that are making your heart heavy. If you do jointly decide to work it out, I hope counseling is made a must, as stuff like what you experienced causes resentment. Perhaps one of the best things I have be told is "doing what you normally do, will yeild the same results", a counselor provides an objective means of working on your relationship, especially the problems. Best of Luck, and hang in there, the pain your feeling will pass.