double standard marriage
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| Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:22am |
When we have been out together over the years I have seen him looking at other attractive women right in front of me. I have called this to his attention and he denies it. I feel that this is totally disrepectful to me especially when he knows how I feel about it.
I have thought about staring a good-looking guy down right in front of him to let him see how this feels. I know he would be furious, but I can't bring myself to do it.
Yesterday, he started remodeling the inside of a health club that I belong to. I exercise in the evening after I get off from work and he has already left for the day. When I got home from the club last night, I remarked that I bet he and his coworkers have a ball watching the women exercise all day while they are working. His response to me was "And you go there dressed like that!" I had on a pair of wind pants and a spandex exercise top that shows part of my stomach. I feel this is totally proper attire to work out in. He just doesn't want me wearing things like that because he knows there are other guys over there that are just like him. I could tell he really was upset about this.
I would like to add that I have been told many times that I am a very attractive woman. I look very young for my age and take good care of myself. I have a 17 year old daughter and am told all the time that we look like sisters. What I'm trying to get at here is that I do not understand his need to look elsewhere when he has a wife who takes very good care of herself and is attractive. And why is it okay for him to look at other women but he gets mad at me for dressing in a way that he feels will have men looking at me.
He tells me almost daily that he loves me and has always been very attentive. He is also
very affectionate and tells me he thinks I'm beautiful all the time. I know that he loves me, I have know doubt about that. I also feel that he has been faithful to me for twenty years, so why does this absolutely drive me crazy about him? I just cannot stand a double standard like this. How should I handle it?

Unfortunately, you're probably going to have to learn to accept it, unless you can talk to him. WHY does he do it right in front of you when he knows you don't like it? Have you asked him that? It might help. I go through similar things with my SO and sometimes his explanations are satisfactory. It seems to me that he should be able to control it, if it's not an addiction. My ex-husband was totally insensitive, but I made it so miserable for him, he quit anyway, for the most part. Unless I happened to look back when he was behind me.
It's unfortunate when you have higher standards than your spouse. Values can take awhile to form and since you married young he probably doesn't see it as important, while you see it as a type of betrayal. I guess I would try to persuade him that it's to his advantage not to do it in front of you. The only trouble with that is it tips them off and you don't know if you're seeing the real person. I certainly empathize with your predicament. I use the Bible as my basis for decisions. So even if everyone tells me I'm wrong I always remember the verses that tell a man to let his wife's breasts satisfy him at all times. Also, how Job didn't look on young girls.
I wish your husband could see the value of your stance on this issue. Does he have any idea how lucky he is to have a woman who's faithful, as you sound like you are. Maybe he just needs a wake-up call. Maybe if you state the reason's why you feel the way you do. Besides, doesn't he feel foolish oggling women? Women are not just objects, they are human beings with feelings. However, you don't want him to get so involved that there is emotional infidelity taking place. It's a fine line. Why can't men just be mature about this?
If he's in construction, as it sounds like he is, he's probably been subjected to "cultural" conditioning. Maybe he just needs it brought to his attention that he may be experiencing "culture shock" if he doesn't straighten-up. Best wishes.