Dr. Brenda please help me!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Dr. Brenda please help me!!!
4
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 11:49pm
I'll try to keep this short. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 and a half years and have a 2 1/2 year old together. We are both 23 yrs old. His cousin, who was like a brother to him passed away 3 weeks ago. He kind of closed up to me, and I let him. I didn't want to nag him and I tried to give him the time and the space that he needed. He was hardly home for about a week and a half or so after this happened. He was spending his time at his uncle's house. A week later he started to get more distant towards me and told me that he never wanted to marry me, although he had said that he wanted to many times before. He said that he didn't want the relationship to end, that he was just going through a hard time and that he wasn't feeling like himself. Well a few days after that he told me over the phone that he never really loved me, that he had grown to, and that he was sorry that he couldn't give me what I wanted (which was love, marriage, I don't know) This was a week and a half ago that he did this. He left my son and I and left me all of his belongings-I know that he is just not in the right state of mind. This isnt the man that I fell in love with. He is now saying that he would never marry me because I would divorce him and take all of money, that he can't be himself around me, just things that I know aren't true. I just don't know what to do. He has left my son and I (and our brand new puppy) all alone. All the plans and the dreams that we had just seem to be fading away. This isn't him, I don't know who it is...I'm so depressed and confused. I have been a stay at home mother since our son was born. I was so dependent on him, and now I am going to have to put my son in daycare and get a job and go back to school. He has only seen our son once in the last 2 weeks. I just have no idea what to do, I'm so scared and so confused and he wont return my calls from the last 4 days. Should I try to wait this out, try to give him more time, I just dont know what to do. Please help. Thank you.-Kate
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 4:27pm
Grief does strange things to people. Put you and your son first. Go see an attorney (first visit is usually free) and find out what your rights are.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:39pm
a member of my family is an attorney and i have planned to talk to him about everything. My boyfriend said that he wasnt planning on taking me off of our account that we have together, not too sure how long that will last however. I really am just confused about his grieving-is he pushing me away because he's so upset, will he realize what the's done and come back? I just don't know how normal this is. I am putting my son first, but I have lost the love of my life and don't know how to handle it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 8:12pm
i am so sorry for you-but at least he told you-my situation was similair-my husband and i were together 7 years married 4 he just didnt come home one night and he hasnt been home since-he has called ocassionally to tell me he loves me and he will home soon then i dont here anything for a month or so-then he calls and does it again-he did this april and i am still wondering and crying-we didnt fight -wewere happy he was the love of my life.get the answers you need while you are still talking closure will be so much easier.maybe he needs space but maybe its a heads up-do what you need to do for you and your son-dont blame yourself ,but talk if possable-i am still waiting for closure and without it ,it is so hard to get on with life.think of your son and yourself and think carefully if you can go through this again-ithurts to much to keep wondering .i hope for your sake he is honest and doesnt keep leading you on
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 10:43pm
I am so sorry for your situation...thanks so much for the advice though. I am trying to get him to come home and talk to us. He says that he is not happy, but I think that he's not happy because of his cousin. Leaving us isn't going to make him happier, I know that. I am hoping to talk to him soon, to get closure, to get him help- just whatever it takes. Thank you so much again for your advice. I hope that you, too, get closure.