Dr. Shoshanna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Dr. Shoshanna
4
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 12:56am

I just need some help in understanding my mother in law and husband. My mother in law is very critical of me and my kids. We really haven't done anything to provoke that, at all. We have been nice, hardworking, fairly successful, have tried to be good parents, our kids are good kids, we coach soccer, and the like. My kids and I just don't do anything right according to her. She is very well off, and we don't rely on her financially at all.

My brother in law, is just the opposite. DUI's, illegitimate welfare kids, in jail, etc. etc., and she completely supports them all. The ex girlfriend and current one are on the dole, too. My mil does nothing but praise these low lifes!

Is it a control thing, and/or is she so majorly insecure? The low lives suck up really well for the big bucks, and we don't. Is this the only way she can have a relationship? My kids have gotten awards, my mil just says they're just lucky, and just throws them down. I counted 7 times in a row where she went on and on about one of my brother in law's girlfriends. MIL kept going on how smart she was (this was when she was sleeping with a different man every weekend, after she was out of jail, and been on drugs!). You wouldn't believe some of the things these people do!

The sad thing is that my husband won't really stand up to his mother. He didn't believe me for a long time, and he gets mad if I mention these things. I feel that she has been ultimately more important to him all of these years. He always has to be the perfect son.
He says he won't lower himself to say much, or ask for the smallest thing for his kids.

Can you give me insight on my mil and husband? I avoid her, and try to understand and work with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: dwarn1
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 1:35am

Welcome to the baord dwarn1,


Hopefully Dr. Shoshanna will answer your post, but in case she doesn't I wanted to offer support.


Maybe your MIL favors the 'low lives' because she feels they need her help the most.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
In reply to: dwarn1
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 2:36am
Carrie, I think you are correct in your evaluation of why she prefers low lives. I think also she resents and is jealous of me for "stealing" her son- she certainly hasn't lost the other one. I do feel, however, that my husband needs to speak up when she is critical of me and the kids, and when she doesn't even acknowledge our kids birthdays. She shows complete favortism to the other grandchildren, and our kids know about it.
I have a hard time understanding a grandmother who does this. It's a cruel thing to do, and I think it must take a very uncaring, insensitive person to do this. Avoiding her is definitely the course of action, and we have moved away because of this. But, I feel that the times that my husband has allowed my mil to be abusive to us, he has been part of the abuse. He is, however, trying to do better lately.
Someone said in these boards (I have read some others) that a husband has to decide to be a husband first, and than a son second. It's critical in situations like this that the husband is supportive, or I feel it can ruin a marriage. I know it has nearly destroyed mine. I guess I need to realize that it is her problem- her Major Problems of insecurity! that has done this.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dwarn1
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 7:00pm

She sounds like a manipulative and pathetic individual who can truly be toxic. Stay away from her as much as you can. I wouldn't tell her about your kids achievements or anything good that goes on. Just be an acquaintance, on a superficial level. You don't need to hear her negativity, and it's wonderful that you don't take anything from her. If you don't give her any amunition regarding your personal life, she can't attack you. Clearly, she's jealous that you guys are independent and she can't get her claws into you, so she tries to snipe in anyway she can. Recognize her for who she is and keep your emotional distance. Sometimes it's very hard for a spouse or any person to see the truth about a parent. It's too bad that he cannot, but he is protecting himself in this way from a lot of pain. Just keep your own family and relationship strong and the less attention you pay to her, the better.

Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: dwarn1
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 5:52pm

dwarn1,


My fiance's dad also isn't a very good person. He really don't favor any one because most of the time he doesn't really like anyone. Sometimes he can be nice and other times he is putting someone down. Usually not to their face, but behind their backs. I have learned to pretty much ignore most things he says, or just laugh at how crazy he is. My fiance will stand up for me though if the situation calls for it. I think that has only happened once and my fiance warned him what would happen if he did it again.


I think you best thing you can do is just ignore her, stay away from her, and realize you can't help the way she treats you or your children.