Dr. Shoshanna, please help me!!
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| Sun, 03-18-2007 - 10:27pm |
Ok, many of you know me from my time here before. I had posted about problems with a younger man (He's 27, I'm 41). I have followed advice I've gotten on here and basically let him go. We had dated at one time, and he wanted to stop dating me, saying that he cared about me as a friend. But, I didn't want to stop dating, cuz I still liked him. So, I got hurt. I met him on my space, and after we stopped dating, I deleted him and put my profile on private. He found me from another profile of his and talked me into adding him back. I did.
He recently got into a relationship with a girl and so I chose to ignore his messages. We were friends "online only" anyway. And I didn't appreciate that. So, for about two months now, he's been on "ignore", but he keeps sending messages and talking about how he wants to be friends. Here are his last 2 messages-there have been more before this, all trying to engage me in conversation. I've ignored them thus far:
Him: "Good morning. I thought i'd say hello this morning, and wish you a good day. How has your life been going? are things good? I should hope they are.
I know it was informal to just randomly write you, and ask how your life was, without actually seeing you in person. well perhaps we could have coffee, and talk about life, and make a real friendship. I was hoping things are ok, and we could share stories of recent life.
i'd appreciate your feedback."
(below was in response to a general bulletin I posted to all my friends about a good day I had)
Him: "I'm joyful for you, and your best day!
that must have been a wonderful feeling. having a child just unconditionally hug you. I held a crying child once, and how she wrapped her arms around me wailing, i felt so much compassion from this...
i'm am happy for you, Purity. have a blessed evening."
So, what does he want? Should I meet him knowing that we have a "strong sexual chemistry" and that I'd still like to sleep with him (we never did, but he wanted to pretty bad)? Is this some game, is he just looking to see if I will respond to his wishes?? Is he looking to "hit it and quit it"?
Please help! :( Men and women on here, alike. I want the love and security of a real relationship with a man that loves me.
Can I win him away from his girlfriend?
Thank you in advance for all advice.

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What does he want? I think it's quite clear he wants you as a friend only. I'm not sure how you can construe anything else from his current behaviour. Both his words and his emails indicate no desire on his part to have a relationship either sexual or otherwise with you.
Should you try and win him away from his girlfriend? NO!! Not only is it a low thing to do to her, but you'd be wasting your time.
The only thing I can suggest is cutting him out of your life by saying that it's either all or nothing. Or tell him that you've got lots of friends and don't need any more friends.
All this aside, I'm concerned that you're wasting all this time worrying about a man who doesn't want you. It's really not healthy. Move on and find someone new.
::Can I win him away from his girlfriend?
Holy cow, would you really want to? I mean if you can do it, then that means someone else can do it to you later on down the line.
I'm confused...
Somebody talk me out of this please. All the guys I tell this story to tell me that this guy wants sex. Coffee? C'mon, now...Anyway, I'm thinking of sleeping with him. I guess and doing what countless other females have done: hope he will fall for me.
What's disgusting about him is that he has a girlfriend and they seem happy. But, the guys tell me that's just the way guys are in general.
sigh. (yes, I'm confused)
He wants to get together for coffee to talk about stories of "recent life". WHy would he want to rub his relationship in my face? Why would he want to hurt me and I've done nothing to him. Why? :(
I've been in pain with this guy all summer and now I feel like "round two" is beginning. Help. :(
Purity2007 - you know what you are thinking won't work, right?
As nicely as possible, I don't think you are confused....I think you want what you want, what you want, what you want AT ALL COST.
Purity,
I have been where you are and lost 4 years of my life to this kind of insanity. I'm sorry to say that you have a long, painful road ahead of you. Until you decide that enough is enough, you are going to live as you described - in pain, in suffering, and in emotional instability.
Just because he is nice to you and makes conversation, it doesn't mean that he wants you.
Just because he doesn't want you, it does NOT mean that you are less of a person. It does NOT mean that nobody else will want you. And there is no shame in being incompatible.
It DOES mean that you have the opportunity of meeting someone better, who will treat you the way you want to be treated. The way you DESERVE to be treated. You deserve to be much more than a booty-call. You deserve much more than coffee and stories.
Purity, I urge you to seek professional help. If you are already in therapy, I urge you to continue and bear with it.
Good luck. I wish you peace, happiness and healing.
TB
teeenybubbles: "You deserve to be much more than a booty-call. You deserve much more than coffee and stories."
This really hit "home" with me. Thank you so much! This site is saving my life!!
teenybubbles, what you said sunk in. I do understand and I KNOW I deserve better. But, I still feel like crying. I would have been so loyal and given him all my love and affection and he chose another girl over me. It makes me feel worthless, like this new gf has more to offer than I do.
But, now he wants to rub this new relationship in my face??! Why? I contacted him yesterday, and agreed to meet him for coffee. But, now he's ignoring me. Why? answer: because I ignored him for 3 weeks. Yes, it's insanity and I can't do it anymore. I'll go crazy!!!
Teeny, you said you dealt with a similar situation for 4 years. How did you let go? How did you get out of it?
I hope Dr. Shoshanna answers my thread. :(
How did I get through it? Lots and lots (and lots) of ongoing therapy.
I was total train wreck after we broke up, even though he was abusive. We worked in the same place so I would see him every so often and whenever I did, I'd become a total basket case. He started dating a girl from work and made no secret about it. It killed me because he kept me a secret. I would see them together and I just wanted to die. And he knew it. He would flaunt it in my face because that's just the kind of sick b@ast@rd that he was.
With the help of my therapist, I consciously broke myself of the habit of thinking about and obsessing over him. I learned to accept that our relationship had been broken and toxic, and that no amount of love or devotion could fix it.
Eventually, things got better and I got a little saner. I decided to get a hobby and, by chance, met a great group of people who I hang out with on a weekly basis. That helped tremendously because it boosted my confidence and reminded me that there ARE still some good men out there.
He did me a favor by letting me go, don't you agree? We never spoke again after the break up. Once in a while I think about him, then have to stop myself. This is as close to an addiction I have ever come to.
You might want to read a book called Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. Interesting read...
Teenybubbles, I understand what you mean by flaunting the other girl in your face. What I can't understand is why is he treating his new gf so well, and he didn't treat me that way. I guess it's because he only wanted sex from me at the end.
Thanks for your reply. We both deserve better than what we had.
Keep him on ignore, or better yet, find a way to delete him completely, so his teasing and confusing messages cannot get through to you at all. Some men simply enjoy the thrill and power of feeling they have control over a woman, that she has feelings for them, and they can get a reaction of some kind. In this case, he is offering you absolutely nothing, except the opportunity to be teased and hurt. He knows how you feel and it's nonsense to pretend that the two of you can simply have an "online friendship", whatever that is. Sounds more like a fantasy, head trip to me.
When one person has feelings and the other does not, it's best to simply put an end to the relationship, to give yourself a chance to get over him and move on to someone who feels the same way as you do. Otherwise, you are teasing yourself, playing a game, and keeping yourself stuck and in pain. Why would you want to do that?
Don't bother answering at all. Delete all connection to this guy, who is simply enjoying playing games with you.
And, of course, no, don't try to steal him or anyone else away from a partner. If they wanted to be with you, they would. Why involve yourself in hurting someone else, and getting deeper into a bad space here?
Best wishes,
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