Is drinking worth breaking up over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Is drinking worth breaking up over?
17
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 7:59pm
My boyfriend and I have had a wonderful relationship for over a year. One thing that has consistently bothered me about him and his friends is how much they drink on weekends. They all like to go out to bars and get completely wasted... it is their way of having fun on Friday and Saturday nights. I am a 21 year old college student and completely understand that many guys in their 20's (my boyfriend and his friends are 25-28 years old) enjoy going to bars to drink and hang out but I don't know any who get as drunk as they do. I don't really like drinking that much, I enjoy going to bars sometimes and having a cocktail at happy hour every once and awhile but I don't like to get drunk. My boyfriend loves to hang out with his guys (who are all single by the way) and get totally plastered on each friday and saturday of every week. It bothers me because my boyfriend brings his friends back to the house after they are done at the bar and sometimes his friends decide it is okay to bring other people back with them. My boyfriend and I share a house and I hate it when all his drunk friends are over because they break things and are destructive, loud and really, really annoying. I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world, he is my first love and I always hoped would be my last love...but despite me telling him how much his being wasted bothers me, he still goes out with his friends and they make him get plastered. It is not the going out that bothers me, it is how drunk they actually get... I don't care if they have a few beers.. but they get so drunk they can't walk. I don't know if this will ever change? Any advice?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 9:28pm

This story could have been written by an ex girlfriend of my husband.


They were together for a few years

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 11:55am

This sounds like a deep pattern for your boyfriend, and his friends. You should take a good, long, hard look at it. It will not be so easy to change, unless he truly wants to. And, there is no evidence at all that he wants to. These are his friends, this is who he is now. This kind of behavior can also escalate and his drinking become an even greater problem later on.


First you must decide for yourself if you can really live with this on an on-going basis. If you can't, then you have to set up a strong boundary and tell him unless he is willing to let this go, you do not want to stay in the relationship. But don't hold your breath. You are asking him to give up not only drinking, but his friends and entire way of life. That's a lot.


You can love someone a lot, but they could still be the wrong person to marry. To have a happy marriage the two of you have to want the same lifestyle, friends and way of being. You need to have similar values and goals. It doesn't sound as though that is the case here.


Take time to be wise about this. Talk it over with him honestly and listen to your own best wisdom as well.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 1:03pm

Hi lillrosita,


You've already been given some good advice.... I just wanted to welcome you to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 3:55pm

Welcome to the board lillrosita,


Yes, drinking in a sitution like this can be worth breaking up over. You have told him that you don't like this and he continues to do it. This is a big difference in lifestyles here.


When my DH was 25 (we met when he was 29), he and his friends would go out every night and get extremely drunk. This went on for years until he had an accident were he was extremely lucky he didn't kill anyone. He did cut off his friends ear though (it was reattached). After that he changed. He rarely drinks anymore, let alone gets drunks, and if he has more than two beers and I am not with him he will call me to come and pick him up. It is possible for your bf to change this, but he has to be ready and willing to do so. It doesn't appear that he is there yet.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 4:25pm
Thank you all for your wise and helpful advice and stories. I realize I have a lot to think about here. It is so hard. I am so in love with my boyfriend and everything about him...except obviously the way he acts on weekends with his friends when they drink. From your stories and from knowing my boyfriend and his family, I truly feel that eventually when he wants to settle down, the weekend binge-drinking will slow down. Is it wrong to wait for that time to come? I know I am just expecting him to change...but I can't imagine him not changing. Am I just in denial? When it comes down to actually considering breaking up with him, I just can't bear it. We live together, we have two dogs together, I am more in love with him than anything... I so wish the binge drinking didn't bother me as much as it does. I hate to see him drunk. I love the weekends where we get to go on a date or spend the weekend camping together where I know he won't drink at all when he is just with me...but I hate the weekends when all of his friends are around. I guess I am just repeating myself and should start to be proactive and make a decision. Crap.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 10:39pm

"Is it wrong to wait for that time to come? I know I am just expecting him to change...but I can't imagine him not changing. "

You shouldn't be with someone in hopes that they will change; you have to be able to accept him for who he is now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 2:21pm

You wrote, "I truly feel that eventually when he wants to settle down, the weekend binge-drinking will slow down. Is it wrong to wait for that time to come? I know I am just expecting him to change...but I can't imagine him not changing."


I think there are a couple of other possibilities that you should consider. It could be a very long time until he feels "ready" to settle down, especially when

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 5:31pm

All i can say is good luck, he won't change until he is ready.


I dealt with the same situation, but my guy was 32! and still not ready to grow up. I even ended up getting pregnant and not one thing changed until the birth of our son. We actually ended up breaking up because of his drinking while I was pregnant.


Anyway the sad part is he could never change. I know a few guys who are 38+ and still acting this way. It's a tough choice, but even more difficult to live with daily. Ask yourself....Do I want to be with someone who love alcohol more than me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2007
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 11:05pm

my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 yrs.on n off because i dont drink at all {alcoholic father} and BF loved 2 get drunk at least twice a week. He works in the restaurant industry which made it worse. so i would break up w/ him, he'd beg me to take him back...and I would, he would stop drinkin for a month and then BAm! off the wagon. Then one night he totaled his car while drunk, and totaled 2 other cars. he had no recollection of the crash. Thank God no one was seriously injured. That woke him up. what I couldnt do w/ yrs of fighting n breakin up, this car crash did in a minute.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2007
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 11:12pm
same thing happened w/ my bf. wouldnt stop drinkin no matter how i fought, begged, pleaded, broke up w/ him...then he had a 3 car accident that 2 this day he cant recall any details at all. thank god no one was killed. its been a year. no more getting drunk. sometimes he'll have one beer or a glass of wine but thats it. my relationship improved tenfold. too bad he had to have that terrible crash to wake up. but Im glad he did.

Pages