Driving me nuts! - revisited

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Driving me nuts! - revisited
12
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 12:57pm
Well, I posted to the board several months ago on this topic when my girlfriend and I first butted heads about it, and now I'm back because the event is just around the corner and it's driving me NUTS!

Background: she's part of an amateur dance troupe. Doesn't get paid, volunteers her time to practice and perform. I am proud of her skill and involvement. What's my issue? The performance requires several costume changes. There isn't a proper dressing room or changing area for the men and women; they share a small backstage area in which they all must change.

I am NOT happy knowing that there are 1/2 dozen guys in this small area with my girlfriend when she is undressing. Yes, they are, too, but what men wear and what women wear is different as we all know. In addition, there is an all-women routine which in which the performers wear backless costumes. This requires removing their bras. This means the men, who are not performing, are standing backstage while the women are topless.

Some of you have said "Live with it". Others have a different point of view that the lack of privacy is unacceptable. We've talked about; she says no one is looking. I find that very hard to believe. How do I deal with this???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 2:11pm
I say get over it!!!. Sheesh, she's only undressing, not having sex!!. Why do people insist on sweating the small stuff?. So another guy saw your girl naked and you want to lose your mind over it? come on now..
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 2:18pm
Yet another person who doesn't understand the concept of modesty...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 2:22pm
I won't say "get over it" but look at the big picture. There is nothing sexual about dressing for a performance. Look at the environment/industry. It's all about costumes/bodies and how they look together. She's not undressing and the whole time saying "hey fellas-check these out". And granted, some (men and women) may see her features and notice they're nice-and vice versa-but there's nothing sexual about that. How many times have you walked down the street and thought "wow-she's nice looking-gorgeous hair-nice legs-etc." Or better yet wish you had the arms on that guy. But you're not sleeping with them-nor do you want to. It's just her body. Backstage they're preparing for performances. The men back there are doing just that as well. They look at another guys abs and appreciate them just as much as they are her features. At that time/place they are just bodies. You're looking into it way too much. Give her a little more credit also. She's there for the right reasons-and if there happens to be a person who's not-she won't fall victim to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 2:27pm
it's not about modesty, it's about your insecurity. It is a naked body for Chrissakes, why all the hoopla? She is in a dance troop, she is doing something she loves, why not be supportive and proud of her AND worry less about her wearing a braless costume?. I mean seriously...is she a stripper? is she backstage gyrating on men? From what you wrote, that is not the case. If it bugs you so much, then maybe you should suggest to the troupe leader to build dressing rooms or something. If you can't do that, what are you going to do? tell her to quit her hobby because something as trivial as people changing in front of each other unnerves you?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 2:27pm
Well, your options are to:

1. Deal with it (that would be my choice);

2. Ask her to give up doing something she enjoys and is good at (which she may not be willing to do); or

3. End the relationship.

Besides, not to stereotype, but it's more likely than not that at least *some* of the men are gay! Plus, there are ways to disrobe modestly even in front of other people (e.g., turning your back, putting a T-shirt over everything while you take off your bra, etc). So your assumption that she's giving everyone an eyeful (and that they care!) is a bit much, I think.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 2:39pm
Listen, I'm not looking for a fight. I do appreciate your insight and advice. Part of relationship is intimacy. Intimacy, for me, includes sharing in something that others don't. I realize it's not sexual. I am very supportive and proud of her. I just don't agree with having the women, not just her, having to be in such a state of undress in a room full of men. Some people are comfortable with it, some aren't. I'm not. I'm just looking for a little support/help/suggestions in trying to deal with it, not someone telling me to basically stick it and live with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 3:17pm
not trying to pick a fight with you either. My prose may have come across more agressive than I intended. I understand all about the intimacy issues for you but really how else do you deal with it besides focusing on the big picture like someone else mentioned? If she was an or aspiring actor, does that mean you won't be cool with her doing love scenes, even kissing?. Things like that is what you would consider an occupational hazard, even if she is technically not getting paid for it. These men you are so uncomfortable with have probably seen so many women undress day in day out, they are jaded. I doubt that they are standing around drooling like dogs at seeing these women change. As long as your girlfriend is not in danger or being sexually harrased, you just have to dust this one off. Relationships are about picking your battles, this is one of the ones you would just have to push to the bottom of your list. This is ofcourse all my opinion. Your girlfriend is obviously one of the people comfortable with the situation, if not she probably won't be in the troupe right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 5:42pm
You're right oberstar, you have to pick your battles. And if these guys did this all the time and saw countless women and were numb to the fact, I would have less of a problem with it. But, this is a hobby. They are all on the team for maybe 1 or 2 seasons and do the show once a year. No one is an aspiring star here, just all for fun. And I'm infinitely proud of her and I think the show is great; however, it is an intimacy issue for me. I've been in other relationships before, and I've never known someone to think it acceptable to expose yourself to someone you're not intimate with. I realize she's not putting on a show for them, but the fact is under these conditions, someone if not several someones will see something that most people only see in the bedroom. It's an adjustment for me, that's all, and one I don't think I'll ever fully be able to accept, but life doesn't always give you what you want. Thanks for the help~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 1:38pm
I have a daughter who is into ballet, jazz and hip-hop. If you think you are having a problem, it is nothing compared to what a father experiences with respect to his daughter. From experience, I'm saying that you must, indeed, suck it up. You should also realized that this is an in-grained social hang-up that comes from conservative American life. If you were in Sweden, you would be so used to seeing naked people that you would never even visit a thought about this non-event behind stage. A Chinese friend of mine lived in Sweden for 4 years and when he arrived from China, where holding hands in public was frowned upon, he had a number of shocking experiences. The first time he went swimming with his family, three girls showed up at the dock, dropped their clothes and jumped in! To make things worse, they climbed out and sat next to him and started a conversation!

I say the problem is yours and that the less you dwell on it, the better off you'll be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:06pm
Whenever my husbands responds as you do, regarding other guys looking, it makes me feel loved and cared for.

As far as the reality of the situation goes, though, please do not let your mind run wild. I 've been backstage at those shindigs, and everyone is so stressed out, trying to get things together, their minds are on other things.

Its like, trying to think of having sex, and then needing to go to the bathroom at the same time. It just does not work.

Try to keep things in perspective. Man, you're life must be good if this is your main problem, and relationship wise, if this is the only issue you have, I think you've found yourself a wife!! WHOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

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