Driving myself crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Driving myself crazy
6
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 6:46pm

I have been with my fiancé for about 2 years. Earlier this year, even though I told him I was not ready, he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Before this I was experiencing doubts about him and even told him in March, before our engagement, that I wasn’t sure if I loved him anymore. The truth is I do not find him all that attractive. He is balding with an odd figure, but quite tall and can look a bit handsome sometimes...

I just always imagined things would be different, my prince charming swoops down and asks me to marry him and then we lived happily ever after.

I know he will take care of me for the rest of my live, love me unconditionally and be the best husband and father I could ever hope for, but I’m just not so sure if he’s the one. We get along very well, we make each other laugh and we have similar thoughts on things, but my stress about the doubts have caused arguments between us, almost every day.

We used to get along great until a close friend told me that he was gross and I am ten times better looking. That made the doubts start.

I don’t know what to do. I will never meet anyone that loves me more than he does. He is really successful and gives me everything my heart desires. I love hanging out with him and laughing with him, but his looks bother me.

I constantly compare his looks to that of his better looking friends and just feel disappointed that I ended up with someone that is below my par.

I have thought of breaking off the relationship/ engagement, but it really, really makes me incredibly sad and I just simply cannot imagine actually doing it.

The stress is driving me crazy, making my body ache and making me tired all the time. What should I do? I'm not sure for how much longer I can tolerate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 7:32pm

Things to consider;

1)He deserves to be with someone that is in love with him and won't regret the decision to marry.

2)'We used to get along great until a close friend told me that he was gross'

Did you really love him before and have a good reationship until she opened your eyes or where things no so great, lack of attraction, etc before she said something?

3)You clearly got engaged before you were ready. It seems that you should give back the ring until you make a clear decision. This might be more about you not ready to marry ANYONE and you are focusing on his negative traits to find a clear reason to end it.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 7:48pm

I agree with Ciao_Gina. You definitely need to return his ring. We ALL deserve to be with someone we love. And you need to love unconditionally. Because when you say your vowels it is for sickness, health, good times, and bad times, rich or poor... Marriage needs to be based on a love and truth. If you don't love him and don't enjoy his company, your marriage would never last. You would start regretting it and in the end you would probably end up hating him for your unhappiness and he will end up hating you for his unhappiness.

Why not take some time apart? And see what is truly within your heart?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 8:47pm

'when you say your vowels'

That's funny ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 8:39am
You can call me an old jaded cynic, but - and IMHO only - unfortunately in this life that is never fair and straightforward, there is no such thing as free lunch. What I mean by this is that unless you are reading a crappy 'bored housewife' romance novel, it is extremely rare to almost never that your life path with cross that of a single and available sexy hot gorgeous stunner who sets your blood on fire every time you look at it - who at the same time is very successful, well off or wealthy, adores you, and who will want to be with you, and eventually marry you. In my experience, and IMHO, it's either or. Sexy stunners know that they don't need wealth to impress women - looks will take care of what is lacking in the carrer/££ deparment. Sexy stunners also know that they don't necessarily have to 'attach' themselves to someone for life after having known them for only 2 years because let's face it, there are so much more fish in the sea, and all those little fishes will happily swim into the 'hot-man's' arms any time he wants. Very good looking men with amazing carrers and wealth are either have been taken since about 1985, or have no wish whatsoever to BE taken by one person and would much rather make themselves available to as many as possible, on a very very casual basis. Your man is not very good looking, and has an 'odd' body. He is however, very successful, wants to marry you and will buy you anything you want. He knows very well that he isn't very good looking and he also knows that he has to snatch that one girl who is MUCH more attractive than him quickly and impress her will all he can offer her in addition to marriage in order to keep her with him - he won't get many more chances like that in his life. If you marry him, it would be the classic example of settling - no feelings, odd looks, doubts yet safety, security, wealth and adoration. I beg you - don't. Please don't do this to either yourself or him. It is soul-destroying, and will lead to profound wretched unhappiness and a semblance of life, no matter how many cars, houses or designer clothes he buys you. To be perfectly honest with you, I don't understand why 1 - you have been with someone you don't fancy, desire or love for that long and 2 - why you even considered let alone accepted his offer of marriage. How old are you? Why do you want to do this to yourself?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 5:27pm

Welcome to the board nicki_england,


If you are constantly comparing his looks, then I'd say you aren't 'in love' with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 5:35pm
Just relax, enjoy and communicate. I lived with someone for over 2 years and it worked out just fine. We have been married for 7 ;)