East Coast v. West Coast Committment

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2008
East Coast v. West Coast Committment
10
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 7:29pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 9:07pm

I see his aversion to marriage as a huge wrench in the gears. Thankfully he is honest about it, but you have to really take his words to heart and truly accept that he means what he says.

As for your question, but with concern to what I've said above, I do not think that living together at all would be a good step for you right now. You are on two very different paths/timelines; if you were to pursue a domestic relationship with him then you would have to do it knowing that it will probably come to an end at some point. He's old enough to have an 18 year old son, therefore he's old enough to have a really good idea of his life plans and marriage just isn't in them. I see this situation being a big disappointment for you in the end. If you go into a circumstance without really understanding that you're up against big odds, then when the time comes for those odds to really turn against you, you will be angry and resentful at him. I am only speculating of course but I have seen a lot of posters in this situation come and go, and it just doesn't work out in their favor.

So you are taking a tremendous risk moving in with someone who cannot and will not give you what you want when you want it, if at all. Thankfully it is not you who is moving to his coast... But if you feel that this is a risk you need to take in order to alleviate What-If-itis, then that is up to you. But at least go into the situation informed and prepared. Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 1:29pm

Welcome to the board joanna6818,


I agree with eggbertshootsfire. I hope you can hear and take her advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2008
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 4:29pm

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 5:53pm

Firstly, there is no reason at all to expect that his son will be able to live up to your standards. This is a boy with disabilities and he will not be able to function in the way you require. Secondly, you will have to really know and accept his son if you are going to be able to have a healthy, balanced relationship. The son changes the entire equilibrium here. Thirdly, did he ever say he was interested in marrying you?? I didn't hear that part. If you want to be married and to go forth with someone who is equally committed, you really need to realize that this man may not be the one. Unless he is clear that he wants what you want, it is quite possible you are wasting your time.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 10:42pm

I am also concerned about your expectations

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 10:59pm

>>John has already backed down in his list of things to help his son. Not sure that's out of guilt or what, but I can tell you it should not get the label of 'good father'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 11:21pm
You are right, it is hard to be a single parent of an adult child with disabilities.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 11:34pm

Completely agree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2008
Tue, 07-29-2008 - 10:14pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2008
Tue, 07-29-2008 - 10:38pm