Email Bust

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Email Bust
1
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 4:12pm
Okay, I brought this one on myself, but I did get the answer I was seeking...while my fiance has been acting normally on the surface, something just hasn't felt right. Subtle things...him falling asleep in our bed hugging his side of it, less affectionate, we don't go out often, etc. Anyway, I talked to him about my feelings over lunch about a month ago, and he said that he was feeling stressed about his business and some situations involving his bosses. I felt that we had made some progress but realized that nothing has changed over the last month. He and our baby are on a trip this weekend so I did some thinking over the weekend and decided that it was definitely time to re-raise the issues.

He called me and needed some info that he forgot, so he gave me his email address and password. Well, you know what happened next. I gave into temptation and checked his email and found two old emails. One from a woman who he apparently came on to and who turned down his advances but was still interested if it was in a loving relationship. I didn't get upset about this one because it was dated before we got involved. BUT, I also found an email exchange between him and another woman from last summer. She wrote him and asked him if he remembered her and he responded with the following....

"I do remember you, Lets seee

you are that beautiful,volumptuous, sexy young lady

who lives in NJ, works as a underwriter, smart,

intellegent,currently researching recipe for red

velvet cake in order to bake me a cake so that i can

come to NJ to pick it up.

You are about 27 years old with a loving & charming

personality.you are also someone I would like to have

as a friend.

There are lots more but I think I will stop here for

now.

Looking forward to seeing you again....soon."

This was written when I was pregnant with our child....I only came across one other exchange between them which was from one month later...nothing else after that...

So now, what do I do with this information? Of course, I was wrong to have betrayed his trust by going into his email, but what about him???? I don't know if this "email affair" ever transpired into a physical thing - we live in CA but they have mutual friends in FL and he did go to FL in November. What bugs me is that we are supposed to be going to FL in July...he has a wedding to go to and I am visiting family...we will be about 45 minutes apart...what's interesting is that he hasn't "invited" me to go to the wedding...I'm thinking it's because he knows she will be there and they may be planning to rendezvous....am I crazy and could I be taking the exchange out of context (can't see how, but I'm open to ideas...)??

I love him, but I'm not putting up with any bullsh*t. I did it in my first marriage and have no intention of going there again...so, since he and the baby are coming back on Wednesday, I'm torn as to how to handle this...do I not say anything and watch his email correspondence leading up to the trip, then confront if I come across anything else? Do I do what I'd planned to do before I discovered the emails which was to re-raise the fact that nothing has changed, I'm really hurt about that and and if things don't change then maybe it's a sign that we should call it quits (hoping that this opens the door to a candid conversation)? Should I find a recipe for red velvet cake and bake the cake so that he sees it when he gets home? :-) Should I not wait for him to return but confront him the next time we talk on the phone? Should I let him know that we have to have a heart to heart talk when he gets back?

I'm trying to figure out what the end result is that I want, but right now I don't think I could trust him again, even if things between them never went anyway...PLEASE ADVISE!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: lola21st
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 3:10pm
Personally, my approach is in the extreme, but I will share it anyway. It's been awhile since you posted, any new developments?

First I would print out two copies of the email. Hide one. Then I would make an appt with an attorney to find out what my rights are, then an appt with a counslor.

The other print-out I would leave on the table with a note to him - It would either say. 'We need to talk.' Or 'This explains a lot about why our relationship is in the state that it is. We either go to counseling (and I go to the wedding with you) or we get a divorce."

Again, that's me.


Carrie