Embarassing

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Embarassing
4
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 8:15am

This is really embarrassing of me, because I'm pretty ashamed about my behavior but I need some advice about what I should do.

My BF and I have been together over 5 years, and we own a house together. He was recently laid off, and is stressed looking for a new job, and most likely we will need to relocate for it, which I'm fine with. He's been very stir-crazy and tired of being home all the time, and has been a little cranky.

Yesterday, I thought it would be nice if I took a half-day at work and we could spend the day together. As he already had lunch plans, I asked if he could call me after he was done, and we could decide what to do. I was at the store when he called, and he didn't seem excited about hanging out with me at all. He suggested that he go get coffee by him self and then meet me at home. In the moment, I got so ANGRY that he didn't want me to meet him for coffee that I started yelling, and I called him names, which is very unlike me. I left the store, to try to calm down, and to try to back track and apologize, but he was very upset and hung up on me.

I tried to call him right back, but it went straight to voicemail. Thinking he had turned his phone off for a minute so I wouldn't call back until he calmed down, I kept calling repeatedly until he answered. I must have called 20 times in a row. Maybe more. My heart was beating fast, I was crying, and I was really upset, and not acting rationally. I think all my frustration about work, the stress from the layoff, etc. all hit me, and I didn't feel like I had much self control.

Finally, he answered and yelled "I'm on the other line" and hung up. That snapped me out of it; and then I worried what if he was on the phone with a potential employer? What if I ruined a job prospect. I drove home, and he was there, and I tried to talk to him, but he asked me to leave him alone. I continued to try to talk, and he walked out. He came home about 6 hours later, and refused to talk to me except to say that I was psychotic and he didn't want to be with a psychotic person anymore.

He slept in another room in the house with a locked door, and hasn't said a word to me. He's always said that if he sleeps in our bed I should know everything will be alright. We have had some rocky times in the past, but we have really come together and formed a partnership in recent months, and were determined to work through any problems we had. We are each other's best friends, and just a few days ago he was telling me I was his partner for life and we needed to talk about things, even when they were difficult. He has not shut me down in a fight like this in years, and that was when things were really rocky between us. I'm afraid I've lost my best friend.

I've barely slept, and I've been sick to my stomach since he left.

Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: joa021402
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 12:15pm

Well, you realize what you did wrong... You do admit that calling him repeatedly is crazy, and it's psycho behavior that obviously made him rethink why he's with you. I can't really blame him for that because it's obviously not a very sane thing to do.

On the other hand, women have crazy moments once in a while and an isolated incident like this, unless you were causing him abuse, should not supersede his opinion of your personality on the whole.

I'm guessing that he's still very freaked out by the way you acted. A lot of men think in terms of, "if she's doing this now, this is what a future with he will be like"

Try to talk to him, or if not, write a letter explaining that you were having a crazy moment and you're embarrassed about your behavior. Make sure to apologize to him and promise not to repeat the incident. I think he will come around soon enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
In reply to: joa021402
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 12:26pm

Thanks for your response.

I did try to talk to him this morning. I told him that I understood why he was angry, and that I would be angry too if someone did that to me.

He's still very upset about it, and not really interested in talking to him. I'm trying to show him that I am capable of giving him some space without freaking out, but I did tell him that I don't think stonewalling me is a good thing to do either.

If he was upset on the phone, he could have said that he was done talking rather than just hanging up on me and then not answering the phone. (Although that doesn't excuse my behavior).

I hope he comes around. I love him very much, but I have tendencies to be very immature, and insecure, and sometimes it gets the best of me especially when I am under a lot of stress.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: joa021402
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 12:33pm

So you're allowed to behave irrationally under stress, but he's not? Just as he "could have" not hung up on you, you "could have" not yelled at him or called him repeatedly.

I'm not excusing his behavior but I don't understand why the discrepency.

If I were in his shoes, I'd want to hear that my partner was DOING something about changing the behavior (such as going to counseling), not just an apology.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: joa021402
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 2:23pm

I'm going to look from the perspective of what he has experienced from you.

He experienced a woman that turned intensely selfish and made the choice to attack and abuse him the second she didn't get her way. It got worse with the non-stop phone calls as he was likely thinking that he was going to get even more attacks and abuse, all because he wanted to go get a coffee while you were at a store.

Now he is likely thinking, when (not if) is this kind of thing going to happen again? He is considering how his value as a man and the value of his time, wants, needs and desires has been diminished because of your selfishness. He has learned that it must always be all about you or else he is at risk of getting even more abuse.

He needs to make the decision of - does he want this kind of treatment in life and what is the likelihood of this happening again? Bottom line is - there is no reason for him to accept this in his life just as there is no reason for any woman to accept abuse from her partner.

Your challenge is to accept full responsibility for your actions and then take proactive and positive steps to correct your attitude and behavior for the future. This needs to be more than words. This needs to be very specific actions for him to be able to restore his confidence in you as a person and a partner.