Emotional Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Emotional Affair
1
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:05am
My husband has had an ongoing "emotional affair" with a divorced woman at church. Although I suspected something wasn't right and confronted him with it years ago, he denied it. He deliberatly witheld information from me, such as their communication by email through his work, sharing of their emotional struggles, their discussions of their dissatisfaction with their respective marriages, the fact she recently divorced her husband, and that she most likely has a romantic interest in him. However, he attributes his dishonestly to his anticipation of my "over reaction". He also believes because the woman is a Christian, she wouldn't act upon her feelings. Well, I say she's a human being, and the fact she is divorced with three children makes her an especially lonely human being.

He did tell me once that he was "sorry", but doesn't seem to sincere or fully express regrets. My husband says he understands how I feel and that my feelings of hurt and betrayal are justified, but basically chalks it up to it being my problem. Desipte the dishonest and secrecry, and the likelyhood the woman has feelings for him, he believes it was "just a friendship" and that I am "over reacting". His response to my discovery has ranged from intially feeling angrily justified to paralysis. He is willing to disconnect from the woman, in an far removed, logical and disconnected manner, and that I should feel satisfisied with this.

However, I believe if I can't convince him this was inappropriate, I fell it will happen again with her or another woman. Plus, I do not want my children to get the idea that it is okay for their father to have a "special friend", and for them to see me turn a blind eye to this behavior. We need to restore the trust in our marraiage and without acknowledgement and willingness on his part to make it right, I'm not convinced I will trust him again. What words can I use to convince him how this behavior, along with this connection and level of emotional intimacy he had with this divorced woman was inappropriate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:58am
This is the least discussed issue in marriages. It is also a very serious problem today. Men seem to view this form of friendship as ok. They cannot be convinced that it is a more serious kind of cheating then a one nite stand. IT IS. A nite of sex with a stranger can be forgotten by a man much more easily then once a deep emotional bond is formed. Right after the attack of 911, the N.Y. fire departments asked the firemen to volunteer to help the fire dept. widows and kids by taking them shopping when they needed; to doctor appointments, dentists, school plays and to help them talk through the heartache. A year later, after they had bonded, the firemen left their wives and children to live with the widows. Now their own children cry and wonder why daddy did'nt love them more then the other kids. Friendship with another woman is sex under glass--break in case of emergency. I truely wish there was marriage counceling before marriage to warn couples of the foolish mistakes that can ruin a truely good marriage. The grass is not greener it just looks that way.