Emotional Betrayal
Find a Conversation
Emotional Betrayal
| Tue, 09-04-2007 - 2:01am |
Hi Everyone. I am new to the boards and desperately need some advice. I have been married for 14 years in what I thought was a SOLID relationship. I just found out that my husband has had 2 inappropriate relationships with women he met on XBOX. The first relationship last about 2 1/2 months, never meeting because she is out of state. The second lasted about a month to month 1/2, again she was out of state. No, he didn't come forward out of the goodness of his heart but was instead caught by evidence. After a trip I was going through my visa bill to see just how costly the trip was. I spotted a charge for $130 to Harry/David. I know that I had not ordered anything and it is way out of character for my DH to as well. I call up H/D thinking it was a mistake. They told me who ordered it and who it was addressed to. I sat there dumbfounded. He had briefly mentioned having a COUPLE friend on Xbox and the wife was a hairdresser in Florida. Guess where the basket went..yep. I confronted him and he somewhat fessed up. He told me that THEY were going through a tough time and he sent it to them. I pushed him however because he sent it to HER not them. He said that it started as just talking back and forth with her issues. He then realized that the relationship was over the line and ended it 8/1/07. He had already started up with the second one before then. I have no idea why he thought one was over the line and not the other. He didn't admit the second one to me at that point. We struggled over 3-4 days with little things that would come up about girl#1. Friday of that week I was still awake at 5am when I heard his phone go off. Couple minutes later, it went off again. He didn't need to be up for work and it was not his alarm. I went and asked him what was going on. He looked at me like..what? I asked for his phone and he handed it to me. He had gotten 2 text messages already from girl#2. The first said, are you ok..you didn't call me back. The second said, I had the scariest dream last night where I thought I lost you forever and that you had changed your mind and didn't want me anymore. I asked him who the heck was this one. He said, just a gal I met on Xbox. He said we are just friends and I have only know her about 2 weeks. He said she is a little crazy. So I am feeling about as dead as one can feel while still alive I believe. I push him on his relationship with her. He says, that he listens and tells her back the things she says to him. So I said, Have you told her you loved her? He said, I don't know. I told him..I am going to text her right now with you sitting here. He said..Ok go ahead. I wanted the truth so I texted her as him. I said, why would you be afraid of losing me? She said back..because I love you with every ounce of my heart. I said back, have I told you I loved you? She said back..not today. I finally told her who I was and at first she said how jealous I must be to be watching my DH cell phone. When I told her that I was the one texting her she got irate and wanted to know if she was just some plaything for him. I told her I was sorry for any hurt but this situation was jacked up for both of us and I couldn't answer for what he was thinking. I found out that he had sent her $100 in prepaid cell minutes so they could talk. I told him I couldn't believe he would say words that were meant for only me to someone else. How could he love me and her? He said he didn't love her and doesn't know why he said any of it. I told him that was all a copout and there was obviously a reason he did it. I can honestly say that prior to this it appeared that our relationship was good..and I am not being delusional here. We had both gone through some recent medical issues, he has been off work for a year with an injury, and has lost quite a bit of weight(in a good way). 2 days after this final breakthrough he tells me he has to leave. He says that he can't think in our house with me. He says that if he can't figure out WHY he did this, how can he ever stop it from happening again? He says that he has to be able to committ to me 100%, that I deserve no less. I am hurt and angry now. I am here at home with our daughter trying to keep everything together. His therapist met with me last week and said that this is good him sorting it out and to give it time. I told him that right now I felt like I wanted to make this work but I feel like I don't even know. Am I stupid to think we can get past this? Before this I had thought of myself and strong and independent, how fast your world can fall away leaving you so unsure of your own worth and being. I am impatient with this because I don't do well with Limbo. I know that sounds unfair but my personality is the type to see something and fix it..no dragging of the feet..jump right in. I realize this isn't on my time table and maybe that is part of my problem, another decision that I didn't get to make. My feelings are all over the place. I saw a therapist myself once and felt like we didn't click so I am looking for another. She kept pushing for marriage counselling or that I should find some friends to talk to almost in place of seeing her. In the meantime I thought I might be able to get some realistic observations and opinions....sorry this was so long.

I'm actually new to this board too and i'm no expert, but i just wanted to let you know that your not overreacting. I believe that cheating isn't always about the physical stuff it usually more about having an emotional relationship with someone other than your s.o. and of course the dishonesty. So with that said i don't have much advice, except that working it out cannot be one-wayed, your husband must want to work it out just as much if not more than you do.
I hope everything works out,
lucy2306
Welcome to the board irishrat,
I think what you are feeling is normal. It is good he's working with someone to figure things out.
Edited 9/5/2007 5:34 pm ET by amcanmom