Emotional Cheating????
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Emotional Cheating????
| Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:12pm |
I really need some advice of other women. Maybe you can all save me thousands of dollars of therapy. My husband of 14 years and I are in the midst of major problems. From the very start of our marriage there have been "other" women. I don't think there has ever been sex with any of them - but the emotional attachment he has made with them has been even more damaging to me. It doesn't make sense to me either!! Anyway in the beginnning of our marriage there was an ex girlfriend that he was always talking about - and it didn't make sense to me because she cheated on him with everyone of his friends and people were always telling him to dump her. But he'd get this look on his face and I knew (after marriage of course!!) that he wasn't over her. From there we went to a girl he worked with and he was alway "crossing the line" with her. For example..he came home one day and told me she had sprayed some freezing spray down his pants. I was shocked and appaled. Another time there was our babysitter. He told me that she'd told him after giving him a popsicle that "she'd rather give him something else". Got rid of her. About that time we entered therapy and discussed all these women. Would you believe that the moment we entered therapy he realized what he'd been doing and how damaging it was to our marriage. Things went OK for the next couple of years. It's my second marriage his first and we had all the issues of step-children, finances, etc. Fast forward to about four years ago. We got a computer and my husband found a "friend" on line. I realized he was spending alot of time on the computer after I went to bed, and I called AOL and got a breakdown of the hours he was on and did a little snooping and I came up with a girl about six hours away that we was spending hours talking to. They'd talked about meeting halfway between them and shared many private thoughts. I know this because I emailed her and told her I was his wife. That stopped that "affair", and he made countless promises. Until about 6 months later when a true "emotional" affair started at work. It started in June/July and by the following February I just knew something was going on and I confronted him by asking about his "girlfriend". He denied everything and for months little things would come out. By June I was sick of it and realized that 3 out of the 4 people involved knew ( she was married) so I called her husband and told him everything. We ended up meeting in a mutal location and talking about the "affair" and both myself and her husband realized that sex wasn't what was going on but a true emotional bonding had occured and that's when we entered therapy again. We found a great therapist and we were really making progress until she moved. We didn't continue with the person who took her clients because we just didn't click with her. We were doing OK until last Monday when I checked his work email (yes..I still snoop) and guess what I found? Emails from a woman he works with. The one that struck a nerve with me was the one where he asked her if "she missed him" and she asked him if he'd gotten the message she'd left on his windshield? These were from mid Sept. I was furious. Well...I made another call and this one it turns out was innocent. But I can't help but wonder about HIS motives. She's apologized and swears she would never do anything to jeopordize her marriage and my husband is making all sorts of promises to me again. And I'm left wondering why. He's told me in the past that he likes the "attention". He was raised by his mom and sister (dad worked nights) and that he relates better to women. Can anyone offer any help or advice who has gone through this type of "cheating". Does anyone else consider it cheating? I appreciate anybody's help on this.

What a terrible thing to be going through. Do I consider it cheating? Definitely ~ I think that emotional affairs are just as bad as physical.
It seems to me that even after going through therapy and understanding how his behavior has damaged his marriage, he still made the choice to behave that way again. I get a feeling reading through your post, and I could be totally wrong, that he enjoys seeing you hurt. The whole thing about in the beginning of your marriage about his ex and the babysitter (Do you have any proof of that, or just his word, because I can't imagine someone *hired* by the both of you behaving that way) just make me wonder how much of those feelings (his ex) and what happened with the baby sitter is for real or exaggerated. But I may be totally wrong about that.
You have seen through his past behaviors that he doesn't take his commitment to you seriously, loves the attention from other women so much that he is willing to hurt you and ruin his marriage over it (which by the way, screams masculinity issues to me) and only cares about his wants and needs.
I can understand wanting to confront these women, I really can:), but this is about you and him. He is the one who has made a commitment to you, not them.
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He's making promises to you because he knows that making promises will work. He can keep you, and continue to do what he does, until he gets caught again and then he'll make more promises, etc. I subscribe to Dr. Phil's theory ~ We teach people how to treat us. He has learned (from you) that he can behave this way and you will stay with him. 14 years is a long time invested in someone, but it is also a long time share with someone who you can't have emotional intimacy, trust and feel like you are more important than anyone else in the world. Don't you feel like you deserve to have someone in your life who treats you with respect and love? Good Luck:)
Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?
Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.
By Kim Campbell
In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.
But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.
These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.
“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.
Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.
Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”
Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.
In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.
“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.
About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”
That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.
Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.
For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.
From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass
WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?
Carrie