Emotional Cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Emotional Cheating?
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 4:06pm

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for a little over one year.  As in previous posts, I have said that my husband really enjoys watching porn and taking pictures of other women. He has taken pictures of other women he works with and saves them on the computer.  Apparently, he has been like this since high school.  (He is not 40).  He does not keep anything secret and is upfront and open about everything. I think he believes that being open makes the act itself OK.  Well, years ago (about 11 years ago he really liked this woman he worked with at the time.  They never dated.  But I knew from what he had told me that he really really liked her.  He believed that it was "love at first sight".  Well, after he left that job about 10 years ago he went on with his life, met me, we got married, etc.  On our computer he has three pictures of her that he downloaded off the internet.  Pictures of her he found on the staff page of where she worked, her linkedin profile and her facebook profile.  So, these are not pics she sent him, but nonetheless it makes me feel as though he is still hung up on her.  I confronted him about it and he lashed out, saying I am being ridiculous and that pictures mean nothing.  He has not spoken to her or seen her in 11 years.  He was very upset with me and told me that if he didn't want to marry me and if he was still hung up on her or anyone else for that matter, he would have pursued those people and not married me.  And that hers are not the only pictures on the computer.  He said that by having pics of women he found and finds attractive it helps him fantasize.  He also accuses me of destroying our relationship by not trusting him when he is open about everything, the computer the phone, everything.  What he doesn't realize is that by having these pics he is the one destroying our relationship.  He said he is curious about people and looks them up.  But why save the pics?  I asked him to delete them and he did, but that doesn't matter. He always knows where to find them.Thoughts?  Does he really want her and married me because he couldn't get her?  What he really wanted?  I just feel as though he really compromised and didn't marry me because he really wanted to.  And the thin is, I didn't want to get married, He is the one who insisted. Thoughts?  Please help?  I feel as though this marriage is nothing...

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 7:38pm

Your husband is not "cheating", he is obsessing.  And stalking.  He probably has other issues as well, since NO psych issue ever flies alone.  And you need to worry about his behavior escalating.  He needs counseling ASAP, but I doubt he will get it, especially since he got defensive and belligerent when you questioned his behavior.  YOU need to get counseling, to determine if it is safe for you to continue in this relationship.  Do NOT wait.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 7:42pm

I looked up your old posts because I thought your name sounded familiar and I have to say that I'm pretty shocked that you married this guy because a year or so ago, you were saying the wedding was off & you had broken up.  Your old posts were saying that this guy would go around town taking pictures of unsuspecting women and he was even arrested, that he had been unemployed a long time, etc.  So basically you knew he was kind of a pervert about taking pictures of women but you still married him?  I can't say what's in his mind about his ex co-worker but I would also be upset if my DH looked up pics of someone he had a crush on and saved those pics to the computer so he could fantasize.  I think all married people or couples do fantasize about other people than their spouse at some times--if the person is a celebrity it's harmless but I think that if someone is fantasizing about a real life person that they know, if they are smart they will keep it to themselves.  It doesn't mean that it never happens or that the person doesn't love their spouse either.  But this is basically who he is--you just have to decide whether you can live with him like this because I don't think there is any way he is going to change.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 02-25-2014 - 1:40am

  This is interesting yet come to think of it almost everyone has such.  Wheather it was a rock  or movie or tv star that image will always be with them.  Yes.  Many do have pictures of that breakthru person.  It has nothing to do with you.