Emotional Infidelity

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
Emotional Infidelity
3
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 2:53pm
So here's my story, i was in a relationship for 6 1/2 years. I always felt it was a relatively strong one, with a few bumps in the road. But over the past 2-3 years, i found that she started lying about the smallest things, that in the end she would say she was embarassed of doing. These lies always had me somewhat curious as to whether it would lead to anything more than small things. About 2 years ago she, got herself a job as a 9-1-1 operator, and i immediately became concerned because the police force in this town has a reputation for a high rate of infidelity. This not only included the constables but also the "girls" that worked in the radio room. I tried to hedge off these concerns by always asking about her day. However, after christmas, i found her behaviour becoming downright beligirent towards me. Around February, she was going off to the islands for her sisters wedding and i wasnt able to go, thus putting more of a strain on the relationship. At these points and a little further back i started checking her email accounts unbeknownst to her (this also included facebook). While she was gone, i found on facebook she was talking with an exboyfriend (and i considered it pretty innocent because he's married). But this started my mind swirling that i cant trust her. Well shortly after she got back, closer to easter, i broke into one of her accounts and found interoffice emails she had forwarded from work to this yahoo account. These emails were from a cop she worked with. These emails were dated back as far as early feb. I confronted and broke up with her that night. In these emails they were talking about mine and hers relationship issues. He also talked to her telling her how nice she looked and other stuff including nicknames for one another. My problems only began, because i found out she admittedly called it flirtatious and said she liked the attention.
Since then, we have talked a few times over the last 11+ weeks, but it always turns in to a debate of the definition of what she did. I call it emotional cheating or infidelity. She says it was wrong, but what was wrong is the fact she had a "friend" i didnt know about. But she said she could have never told me, because i would over react. She said i always had an opinion on everything, which is true, but hey, its only an opinion, everyone has got one.
I know i should just move on to someone who doesnt lie like this woman did for 4 or 5 years. But i am the type of person who believes there is good in everyone. But i need to know, was i CHEATED on. I feel like i have been. All my friends and family around me agree that it was a form of cheating. And her actions since show that she is embarassed and doesnt know what to do. We have talked and both admitted we still love each other, but i don't think something like this can be worked out easy, due to her stubborness to admit what she did. I believe that if i hear her say she cheated in some form, we can both move on. Maybe not together, but move on nonetheless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 3:59pm
To me it would seem like it because she hid it. If she felt she couldn't be honest with you about it then that is a problem. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks if it is cheating or not. You don't trust her or you wouldn't have been snooping. Without honesty and trust in your relationship, it is not much of a relationship. Be completely honest with yourself and each other and if you can come to an agreement thats good. But if you have any doubts about being able to forgive and forget, then it is not going to work. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 4:29pm

Welcome to the board detroit03,


There is a fine line to walk when dealing with betrayal and emotional affairs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 7:43pm
Pop over to the Cyber-Cheating and Emotional Affairs board and read the "How to Have an Emotional Affair" post. You can link to the board via my siggie.

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I am unable ot give legal or medical advice. My opinions are based on my experiences and my personal research.



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