Emotional Infidelity - Is this a new FAD

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Emotional Infidelity - Is this a new FAD
5
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 4:04pm
I think my husband is committin emotional infidelity, and until a couple of days ago, I thought 1. I was going crazy and 2. I was the only woman in the world who was going through this (as naive as that sounds). now I read these message boards, and men (and probably woman) are doing this everywhere.

My husband has a new friend (female of course) who he speaks to 3,4,5 and even 6 times aday. Now, in fairness, he works with this woman (fortunately she is in another state) and in fairness there is an expectation that you talk with collegues. Except what I don't understand is talking with collegues every evening, more or less at the same time, and leaving the house to do it. He nevers speaks to this woman when I'm around. He lies about the fact that he is speaking to her. And he tells me that it is non of my buisiness what they talk about. That I should trust him, and really that is all there is to it.

My insecurites are killing me. Every time he is away from me, I'm assuming he's talking to her.

And don't get me wrong, I have male friends, and I have even from time to time spoken to them after office hours. But its not a regular occurance and it doesn't happen in secret.

How do I get my husband to understand that what he is doing to me is unfair and hurtful. Look the other woman on this page that was looking for support, I took am a nervous wreck, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I burst into tears the moment I'm alone. I want to crawl into a hole and not talk to or see anyone. And granted, I am not saying that it isn't a little bit of paranoia on my part, but surely i would be less jealous he was just open about her. How do I get him to understand.

Any advice would help me regain some sanity. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 5:14pm
Yes this is the new FAD. You r not the only one going through this. My husband was doing the same thing. I asked him various times what was going on I mean how many times do u need to call another woman when u r home with your wife? I couldn't eat or sleep i felt as though i was going crazy but my womans intution was on point!!! He was having a affair with this chick. If he has to talk to her and he can't do it in front of you something is up. Do some investing of your own. I know it gets hard but hang in there. The truth will come to the light.

Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 8:27pm
The problem, I know that he is not cheating on me (sexually), but he knows I will give him a hard time over him spending so much time with this woman. I believe there is more than one way to cheat. But my husband says that because they are just friends, then I should trust him. He even said to me that for the hassel he's getting he should just cheat and make it worthwhile. I am at my wits end. I have already started investigating (he calls it snooping) into stuff and I constantly find her. HE goes on business trips and she is at the same trips. He lies about who he is talking to when he is talking to her. He bought her a christmas gift (days before he bought mine). He sent her flowers wishing her good luck on something and didn't tell me (I found out on the credit card).

I am just so tired and confused and really feeling sad,frustrated,angry and despair all at once. I want my husband to fall in love with me. But while she is hanging over my head, I can't get out of this funk, which makes me less than plesant to be with. I just want my husband to be honest and open with me, and I don't know how to do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 10:59pm
I feel your pain. I'm going through a similar situation but I think my husband and his friend have excalated into out right cheating. It's very hard to get them to tell you the truth. I found out about my husband's extra carricular activities from neighbors. Then I confronted him and of course he lied to me. Until yesterday I had let it go and I was snooping around and I found a old text message that suggested a rather personal relationship. I confronted the friend this time hoping to get answers, I wish I could tell you that it will get easier but it will not. The friend will always hang over your head. All I can offer you is a hug and to tell you to keep your chin up. There will be brighter days for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 2:32pm
Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?

Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.

By Kim Campbell

In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.

But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.

These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.

“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.

Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.

Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”

Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.

In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.

“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.

About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”

That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.

Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.

For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.

From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass

WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?

8. Are you in love with your friend?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 3:16pm
Believe me In know how you feel I am so sorry you have to go throuth this too. If you read my message than you know what has happened to my 15 year marriage. We were very happy until his "FRIEND " came into the picture. he calles her an adverage about three to four times a day. They are in a band together but come on there is not that much band business to be talking that much! When this whole thing came out he said he didn't know if he was in love with me any more. I was devistated because at the time I didn't know she was in the picture. I found out later on that he had started talking to her about two months before. He said she is just a friend ant that there is nothing going on. They all lie about it I guess. I told him I believe at best he is having an emotional affair. I have lost about 25 pounds in the last two months and we are now sleeping in seperate bedrooms. He said he needs to go to a coulselor to find out what his feelings are and how to handle his lack of communication with me. When he first toll.d me he was unhappy he said he had felt this way for about five years. I don't believe him nobody can pretend for that long. He was the most kind loving gentle giving person I know. This women wants him and will do anything to get him. I believe she has alot of influence over him and maybe he was feeling 45 and not so attractive or whatever men go through at the 45 mark but I know this for sure there is something to emotional affairs. He says that he is sleeeping in the other room because he does not want me to get faulse impressions. He is soooo confused right now that I dont' believe he knows what he wants. I am trying to be patient but it is hard when you know someone is in the picture controlling the situation. I feel that he should be talking to me about us instead of her. He said he wants to see someone first before he decides if he wants to go to couples counceling. He has always had a problem with anything confrontational. He jsut runs away from anything unpleasant. The best advice I can give you is something I have done for myself. I got a book over the internet written by a doctor who has been dealing with this sort of thing "couples in trouble" The name of the book is "stop your divorce" I have been reading it and it really makes sense. I have done some of the things he sugested and not only do I feel better but I think my husband is comming aound. Last night he actually opened up to me for about an hour about his feelings and what he is surching for he seems more attentive and is starting to linger a bit before he goes to bed. maybe it will help you. If you ever want to e-mail me my address is dak2235@comcast.net. any time I will try to get back to you as soon as I can I don't check it every day.This is so hard and I really feel for you. Bye for now