emotional intimacy
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| Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:01pm |
Prior to meeting me these words were foreign to him. He had not been in a relationship with a woman for 10 years (not even dating). He only dated one girl briefly during his teens.
To condense the issue here: I am much more experienced than him in the domain of relationship although we are the same age. I found myself taking the 'mother role' or that of a 'healer'. I would give him directions within the relationship or bring out issues that I felt he needed to deal with, the most major one being emotionally intimacy.
He is unable to have any kind of intimate relationship with ANYONE. Following the traumatic death of his father when he was a child, when he ran back to his bed and hid under the covers and refused to talk about his feelings, he seems to use the same coping mechanism with every difficult situation in his life.
He will not tell anyone that they wronged him. He will avoid conflict at all costs. He would freeze and give me the cold treatment when I wanted to discuss an issue that would 'rock the boat'. This left me feeling very lonely.
I tried being patient at times and more forceful at other times but he refused to see how his emotional withdrawal was hurting both of us.
After he ignored me while I cried one night then walked out on me the next morning without a word, I decided I had had it!
He waited for a week until the coast was clear and came back with flowers, but this time his things were by the door. We spoke for a while, we cried and he left saying part of him agreed with my decision to end it because he is afraid he would keep hurting me. He also admitted that he felt he had a problem dealing with conflict. I admit I have my own issues, mainly, becoming very emotional and pouring everything out like a broken dam at times.
My question is, I still care about him and I'm the closest person to him in the world now, because while he is still emotionally withdrawn, he has opened up to me more than anyone else. What is the best way to help him now? and did I do the right thing?
Thank you.

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"Emotional intimacy" is a term Pianoguy had never heard before. But I guess it applies in your situation?
Problem is...YOUR level of 'emotional intimacy' isn't compatible with that of your b/f! It's nice to be around to comfort, console and share his disappoointments...but I get the impression you're expecting him to resolve these problems, forget them and move forward? He doesn't seem like a man who is ready or even capable of doing this. There are too many scars (from his past) that are holding him back.
You ALSO have emotional issues that this man isn't capable of addressing. I sense that you're the type of woman who wants to "clear the air" the moment something uncomfortable arises, right? Hate to tell you this...but men don't work that way. Most of us aren't emotional problem solvers. Some of us can fix your leaky faucet, others can cook you a splendid dinner, and many are happy to chat with you about our future goals and desires. And on occasion...we will also try to "cheer you up" on the days you're feeling gloomy, irregardless of the reason.
BUT...we WON'T respond at the PRECISE TIME and THE EXACT WAY you expect us to.
While you can have tons of feelings for your b/f and consider him your responsibility (out of friendship)...it seems that you need to begin with your own flaws first! It's impossible for a man with a lot of emotional baggage to take on yours too!
Pianoguy
Since you don't know what emotional intimacy is, I can see why your comments, while well intended don't really speak to the issue at hand. Thanks anyhow.
You might be getting the "silent treatment" because the man doesn't want to get a lecture from you. Do you treat him like a b/f? Or do you act like you're his mother?
Just out of curiosity, I wonder how many other ivillagers are familiar with the term: "emotional intimacy?" How about providing a definition...or at least your 'perception' of the term? After reading your response, this expression is either 'your genuine concern' for another human being...or a way of giving yourself permission to become an 'emotional bully?'
Pianoguy
He may be a FACTS driven person while you are a FEELINGS driven person. Sometimes its like oil & water - the mix is difficult to achieve and maintain. If you are a FEELINGS driven person, then I would further guess that 2 other key words play into a main part of your life, wants and needs - namely - VALIDATION and PRIORITIZATION.
I'd guess that when you have an emotional need, you want/demand immediate VALIDATION and PRIORITIZATION of your feelings. If he doesn't give it to you on your terms, which includes him being VULNERABLE, that you would resort to MAKING HIM WRONG or CRITISIZING his way of thinking. If this is the case, the result will be a vicious circle which does not promote VULNERABILITY.
For men to be vulnerable it is a risk. We have to completely trust that you will not hold our vulnerabilities against us with resentment or negative judgement. In essence it will take the same kind of VALIDATION you likely seek for him to feel less at risk to be vulnerable with you.
I happen to be a fan of Dr. Phil. I like his straight-from-the-hip style. I'd like to offer a few things from his website (www.drphil.com) that are also in one of his books that may be a contributing facor here too:
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Contaminating a Relationship
Every one of us has an irrational and destructive emotional side to our personality. This dark side can sabotage your relationship in an insidious way.
Below are the most common characteristics of what Dr. Phil calls "bad spirits," and how they can impact a relationship.
You're a Fault Finder
There is nothing wrong with constructive criticism if it is designed to improve the relationship. But it can often give way to constant fault finding -- in which you obsess over the flaws and imperfections rather than find value in your partner. Get off your partner's back and you may see your partner moving toward you.
You Are the Bottomless Pit
Are you so needy that you constantly undermine your chances of success? Can you never get enough satisfaction, love, attention or appreciation? Your partner will be frustrated by never seeming able to "fill you up." We all want reassurance, but an insatiable appetite for it never gives your partner any rest. Free yourself from the internalized sense of inadequacy, and find other ways to feel your self-worth and value.
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Ten Relationship Myths
Think your relationship is a failure because you and your partner aren't following certain "rules" or meeting certain standards? Dr. Phil blows the whistle on 10 of the most common but dangerous relationship myths.
MYTH #1: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP DEPENDS ON A GREAT MEETING OF THE MINDS
You will never see things through your partner's eyes because you are two entirely different people. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different.
You will not solve your relationship problems by becoming more alike in your thinking. Men and women are wired differently. Attempting to blur your fundamentally different viewpoints is unnatural and even dangerous.
Recognize that a relationship is far more enjoyable when you're with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it. Appreciate your differences.
MYTH #3: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES GREAT PROBLEM-SOLVING
Don't fall into the trap of believing that you and your partner can't be happy if you can't resolve your serious disagreements. Ninety percent of problems in a relationship are not solvable.
There are things that you and your partner disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can't you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your values and beliefs.
You can simply agree to disagree and reach "emotional closure" even though you haven't reached closure on the issue.
MYTH #6: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP LETS YOU VENT ALL YOUR FEELINGS
Getting things off your chest might feel good, but when you blurt something out in the heat of the moment, you risk damaging your relationship permanently. Many relationships are destroyed when one partner can't forgive something that was said during uncensored venting.
Before you say something you might regret, bite your tongue and give yourself a moment to consider how you really feel. The things we say while we're letting loose often don't represent how we really feel and shouldn't be communicated — especially if they are potentially destructive.
MYTH #10: YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN BECOME GREAT ONLY WHEN YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR PARTNER OUT
Don't fall into the trap of believing that if you could change your partner, your relationship would be better. You are, at the very least, jointly accountable for the relationship.
Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.
If your relationship is distressed, the most important person for you to change might be yourself. Once you identify the payoffs you are subconsciously seeking with destructive behavior, you can choose to remove them from your life.
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Obviously I don't know you or your partner, but I do think the Dr. Phil items above can be considered in a positive light by both of you.
Pianoguy
If you read my post with an open heart you would have noticed that I was talking about someone who has never opened up to ANYONE, not a mom, brother sister, friend, girlfriend, EVER. Someone who lives alone, in his own world and had never dated for 10 of his adult years.
To blame ME for that is like blaming an alcoholic's wife for his drinking. It makes me sick that such attitudes are still prevalent amongst some people. That it is 'the woman's neediness that makes men do what they do'.
I was never abusive with this guy in any way, and I know first hand about abuse. I walked away to protect myself and because I did not want it to reach a point where I would be an 'emotional bully'.
Anyhow, save your judgmental, defensive responses because they are a reflection of your own truths, not mine and his. You truly haven't got a clue!
Maybe spice.man and I missed something in your post....but I don't think either one of us found it 'threatening?'
When you ask for advice on any of these boards, you'll get a variety of opinions. Some you'll like...some you'll hate...but you don't have to accept ANY OF THEM!
It's too bad you felt it was necessary to lash out at us just because we offered views that made you uncomfortable.
Pianoguy
You have a "desired result" of achieving an emotionally intimate relationship with this man. Whatever strategies you are using today are not achieving this desired result. My first post has the intent to offer suggestions as to why in hopes that you would be willing to broaden your scope of thinking. Your way may not be the only way to achieve your desired result. I tried to offer you facts and thought processes from a male's perspective so that you can "Seek first to understand, then be understood". (quote by Stephen Covey).
It is said that the definition of insanity is - Doing the same things repeatedly, expecting different results. Your current strategy isn't working. You want him to think just like you. Now you can go back to my first post and re-read the Dr. Phil Relationship Myth #1 from a different context.
Ultimately your challenge will be to change your strategy in how you achieve your "desired result". The other Relationship Myths and Bad Spirits were offered as some guidance as to what MAY be happening. Break down your "desired result" into smaller parts and create a strategy for each part. This will be more effective than trying to boil the ocean so to speak.
I think the first smaller part is to BUILD TRUST. This happens by giving trust. You need to give him trust and show him on a consistent basis that you do trust him.
The second part would be SELF RESPONSIBIlITY. This happens by you owning your feelings and corresponding reactions. If you become more FACT centric and make decisions based more on facts than feelings you will be seen as being SELF RESPONSIBLE and he will see this.
The third pard would be CREATE INTEGRITY AND HONOR. Now you can go back and re-read the Dr. Phil statements on venting and the bottomless pit. It is a set of processes that helps to create an equality-based and mutually-beneficial relationship.
You won't even get to VULNERABILITY or EMOTIONAL INTIMACY without the 3 steps above so I think they are good things for you to consider in your strategy and implement.
Pianoguy and I are the type of men that will offer suggestions on how to better relate with men, based on facts and our personal experience. Not everyone will like what we have to say but we do say it with integrity and respect. We will cut to the chase rather than provide soft support on feelings. We try to be realistic with our approach so women can see that different strategies can be considered as you drive towards your desired result.
Carrie
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