emotional intimacy
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| Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:01pm |
Prior to meeting me these words were foreign to him. He had not been in a relationship with a woman for 10 years (not even dating). He only dated one girl briefly during his teens.
To condense the issue here: I am much more experienced than him in the domain of relationship although we are the same age. I found myself taking the 'mother role' or that of a 'healer'. I would give him directions within the relationship or bring out issues that I felt he needed to deal with, the most major one being emotionally intimacy.
He is unable to have any kind of intimate relationship with ANYONE. Following the traumatic death of his father when he was a child, when he ran back to his bed and hid under the covers and refused to talk about his feelings, he seems to use the same coping mechanism with every difficult situation in his life.
He will not tell anyone that they wronged him. He will avoid conflict at all costs. He would freeze and give me the cold treatment when I wanted to discuss an issue that would 'rock the boat'. This left me feeling very lonely.
I tried being patient at times and more forceful at other times but he refused to see how his emotional withdrawal was hurting both of us.
After he ignored me while I cried one night then walked out on me the next morning without a word, I decided I had had it!
He waited for a week until the coast was clear and came back with flowers, but this time his things were by the door. We spoke for a while, we cried and he left saying part of him agreed with my decision to end it because he is afraid he would keep hurting me. He also admitted that he felt he had a problem dealing with conflict. I admit I have my own issues, mainly, becoming very emotional and pouring everything out like a broken dam at times.
My question is, I still care about him and I'm the closest person to him in the world now, because while he is still emotionally withdrawn, he has opened up to me more than anyone else. What is the best way to help him now? and did I do the right thing?
Thank you.

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::He is unable to have any kind of intimate relationship with ANYONE.
This is the whole point. You can't save him, help him, or heal him without an effort on his part and probably a whole lot of therapy.
::He will not tell anyone that they wronged him. He will avoid conflict at all costs.
People pleaser, everyone's feelings are more important than his own and/or he's so afraid of losing someone's love, attention, affection, etc if he were to confront anyone.
::He would freeze and give me the cold treatment when I wanted to discuss an issue that would 'rock the boat'. This left me feeling very lonely.
It is a very lonely place to be. But again, you can't make him be any different.
::I tried being patient at times and more forceful at other times but he refused to see how his emotional withdrawal was hurting both of us.
It's not that he refused to see, it's that he's comfortable there. He was probably so fearful of the outcome, of change, of making a change, that he's frozen in place, in a pattern and only him and his own effort will change that.
::After he ignored me while I cried one night then walked out on me the next morning without a word, I decided I had had it!
::He waited for a week until the coast was clear and came back with flowers, but this time his things were by the door.
Right there tells me that he knows and sees the damage he's being withdrawn has done to the relationship.
::My question is, I still care about him and I'm the closest person to him in the world now, because while he is still emotionally withdrawn, he has opened up to me more than anyone else. What is the best way to help him now? and did I do the right thing?
Encourage him to go to counseling, to deal with the stunted emotions of when his father died, to deal with the grief, with what he lost, and YES you did the right thing for you.
Carrie
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