Emotional Roller Coaster--get me off!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Emotional Roller Coaster--get me off!!
5
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 9:02am
My boyfriend of almost three years keeps treating me like a yo-yo...maybe because I'm allowing it. We are divorced, each with 3 kids. We have a great relationship. The problem is, is that he broke up with me after 1 yr. due to some stress and personal stuff, ie having his kids 1/2 the time, buying a new home, a job that required alot of traveling every day. So although it hurt..I let him go. He came back to me a few months later wanting me back..I took him.

Then after 1 month he said he needed more time...This has happened at least 4 times already. This time I thought it was different. We went on vacation together..first by ourselves, then with both families. Everything had been great!

What went wrong, I don't know. He insists it's not me, it's him. The only difference this time is that he is not running, but he says he needs some time alone. I don't get it. He says he's afraid of being hurt...aren't we all? but in the meantime, he's doing all the hurting.

My question...Do I end it? or do I keep holding on hoping that things will change? He is seeking counseling. I suggested we do it together, but he says "it's his problem". Not true. I told him to ask his counselor if I should come.

Any advice would be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 1:50am
Hi,

You are right,this guy has been treating you like a yo-yo...But since you have been together for three years,you need to give him one last chance ....

(1)Talk to him about goin in for counselling together..Even if it's 'him ' and not 'you', it will help if you are around as well..Maybe you can just go in for selective sessions,if he doesn't want you around all the time...Explain this to him... If he doesn't agree,there is nothing more you can do about it!! See how things come along after he is through with the counselling!!!

(2) If things don't change after this,time to move on... It's not easy to live with someone who thinks he can come to you when he feels like it, do the disappearing act, then come back again and so on....

Wish you luck with this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 5:09pm
I have asked him to seek counseling together and he feels it is his problem. But I did suggest when he sees his counselor that he ask her for both of us to go. I feel it will help.

I know he loves me, but I'm wondering now is that "forever" love that I feel for him. Although we have talked on the phone, I haven't seen him in a few days. We do not discuss how he is doing, because last week everytime I asked he seemed to get upset. He says I'm doing ok, doing the best I can. So I will not pressure him. I will let him call me and ask to see me.

We have talked so much about a future together, but now I'm afraid of that, because if he is feeling this NOW, what will he be like if we get married? Yikes!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 8:35pm
Hi,

I think that as he has broken up with you and gone back several times it's your turn to break up with him; it's not about playing games. Seriously, maybe then he will realize how much he hurts you when he does this to you. If he really cares for you (and I bet he does) I don't think he will let you go. I honestly believe you will shock him. My sister was seeing a guy a few years back that kept breaking up with her everytime he didn't get his way. She would beg him back every time and he would of course say agree and then get his way. One day he again broke up with her and she said "Okay, you're right this isn't working, I'm sick of it too" She said the look on his face was priceless. Shock is what it was, that she would have the 'audacity' not to fight for him... imagine that! He immediately told her that he was just angry and didn't mean it. She knew then that she had the upper hand and told him fine but if he ever did it again they were through for good. I'd love to say there was a happy ending but he did it again and this time she stuck to her guns and walked. He called her day and night for weeks until he realized he'd gone too far..finally. Anyhow, at best, you need to leave him completely alone for a while the next time he breaks it off with you and make it hard for him to return to you. I do wish you luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 9:53pm
Hey!! I totally know what your talking about!!! I had been with my husband for 7 years before he married me. The first 2 years of our relationship we were very young and he treated me like the biggest yo-yo ever. The best advise someone gave to me that I am now going to give to is, "If Love prevails in your heart, stick it out." Show him that you'll always be there for him and you're not out to hurt him. It sounds like you've both been burned before, I don't blame him for being protective of his heart. I stuck it out with my hubby through all the yo-yo phases. When he acted like "he wasn't ready" and he "needed space", I gave it to him but he had a hard time understanding that that meant I was going to take space too. Show him that he can rely on you. Guys always take longer than girls, they've been that way forever.

Stick it out girl

LOL send your way

Meg21581
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 11:31am
Hi everyone! Thanks so much for your advice. I do love him and am trying to be patient. I know the love I feel for him is forever.

Yes we both have been hurt and rejected by our ex-spouses. His divorce is pretty new, where mine is a few years older.

Although he calls me each night, I know there is still some tension and he needs his space. I have not called him and each day its gets a little easier. I'm not sure what the future has in store, and I don't know how much more I can take, but I'm really trying to hang in there. During the day I'm fine because I'm busy at work. It's the night time that kills me. Knowing he's home alone...and so am I.

Again, thanks everyone for your advice.