Emotional Rollercoaster!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Emotional Rollercoaster!!
5
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 5:56pm
Goodness, Where do I start? My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months now. Things started off fabulous at the beginning, but about 4 months into the relationship, things started to get rocky. I was having a lot of issues with my father (to put a LONG story short about that, he was very emotionally abusive). Plus, I had recently started birth control which I think effected my emotions. Now I've always thought of myself as a very positive and happy person, but I was around so much negativity (my dad, my boss at work, etc.) that I started to become moody and depressed. My boyfriend was very supportive but did not like the fact that he could not be my cure. The truth was, my self-esteem was (and still is) suffering and I had (and still have!) a lot of insecurity.

Well, things got a lot better about a month ago because I quit my job, started school, was (and still am) doing well in my classes, stopped taking the birth control, and my relationship with my dad began to improve.

My boyfriend and I spent A LOT of time together the first few months of our relationship. He practically lived with me because he had a horrible roommate situation. Well, about 2 months ago he and his good friend bought a house as a fixer-upper. They were doing a lot of construction on the house at first, so my boyfriend still lived with me, but about 3 weeks ago he officially moved in. About a week before he officially moved in he got fired from his job (which I think was a blessing in disguise b/c his boss was horrible too). I know that this was a huge blow to his ego and the way he felt about himself, so I tried so much to comfort him and be there for him. So now he filed for unemployment and gets paid $300 per week.

The whole reason for him buying the house in the first place was to be able to remodel and revovate it, raise the value, and sell it for a lot more than he bought it. He and his friend want to get into business doing this.. buying forclosed houses, fixing them up, and selling them for more. My boyfriend wants to get his broker's license, real estate license, and contractor's license and continue to do this. So he's spending a lot more time now working on the house. We only see each other maybe 3 times a week as opposed to 7 days a week! This has been a difficult transition for me b/c I feel kind of neglected. I feel like he is more excited about working on the house than he is to be with me. He used to always want to see me and spend time with me. I've started to feel very insecure.

So.... anyways, I started a new kind of birth control pill on Monday, and it has really effected me emotionally. Yesterday I was SO SAD and cried and cried, and I knew I had nothing to be sad about, in fact things were going well for the most part (with my grades and dad and stuff). Well, I went over to my boyfriend's house hoping he would comfort me, and he did for a little while but then 30 minutes or so later he was just like "well, I need to go get something to eat, I'll try and call you later." I got upset and he was like: "fine, I just won't get anything to eat so you can stay here." but this made me feel worse like he was turning it around on me. I felt very bad also, because I hoping that he would come over later and make sure I was okay (I know, I know, expectations are dangerous) but come to find out, he just watched a movie with his friend. r

Later that night I asked him if he still felt the same way about me and if he still cared about me. He was like, what am I doing wrong? I told him that I just felt neglected and I was missing him a lot lately. He asked me what he was doing wrong. I didn't want to flat out say you do this and this wrong, because he usually does so much right.

I just feel so needy of him and his affection lately, and I feel like he's being very insenstitive to my feelings. He says he's trying but also very frustrated at the same time. I told him that him being frustrated makes me feel even worse, like I'm a chore or something. He just says "Well I have feelings to and that's why I act like that. Hoping you will make it better." I don't get it! He said that today, and then when we said goodbye, he said "I'm a good guy, you know." Which made me feel horrible, like I was making him out to be the bad guy or something, when all I wanted was a little love and affection!! I am so darn confused!!!!! I was so close to breaking up with him today because I just feel like he doesn't understand me or want to even try.. but then I think about the wonderful times we have and how it could/should be. He tells me that he loves me and is there for me, but is he really? Am I just being too needy and co-dependent?? I feel so lost as to what to do and how to make it all better, I am just feeling so sad right now :( :( I just want to be and feel normal!! Please help!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:00pm
Please go back to your doctor and get your pills/medications checked....this isn't about him, it's about you - expectations without voicing them, assuming he will know what you want and need AND because of the emotions you are feeling, you've come across as needy and desperate. Please go to your doctor.

Ask for what you want - I need a hug. Can I have a hug? Can we hang out for hour?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 3:59pm
I agree with the first poster. You know..there are people who just can't take birth control pills or many of the hormonal birth control methods. I'm one of them....two days into it my entire personality changes..to the point I once became suicidal..it really is scary.

I'm not saying that there aren't some other issues going on. You went from seeing eachother every day to three times per week because of the house, etc. But..those pills may be taking something microscopic and turning it into twenty times as bad
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 1:53am
Thank you both for the advice.. you're right, I'm probably one of those people who shouldn't be on birth control. But I also realize that I need to become a much more confident person and raise my self esteem.. I've actually been going to the Self Esteem Support board, which has helped a lot. I guess the question now is.. do I need to be alone before I can truly fix myself? Will it take breaking up w/ my boyfriend to fully accomplish this?? What do you all think? Thanks again!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 1:14pm
Self-discovery is a long path and some people can do it while in a relationship and others can't. Take it slow.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 1:47pm
try this on for size....

Obviously you are having some emotional difficulty (been there, am there) so check that birth control - Get something low progestrone maybe - That could make a difference for you - talk to your doc about something that will not effect your mood so much they have options.

It sounds Like You gtuy is also having some torubles of his own, and its difficult for him to deal with yours and his both. Make sure You are there to listen to him too. Men dont necassarily want you to try and fix it for them, but sometimes listening is enough, a bit of sympathy and "let me know if I can do anything to help, I'm here for you if you need me" Ussually trying to solve their problem or make them feel better doesnt work. But offering to help if they want it or letting them know you understand and feel for their situation is a good way to make them feel better.

You want more time with him, well since he is obviously trying to make headway in a career, and spending much of his time working on projects for the home he bought try going over their when he is involved in a home improvement task and lend a hand. You'll be spending time together and doing something constructive and working together to accomplish something that is important to him. Or if its something You cant help with - Suprise him by coming over with a bit of lunch or a 6 pack of beer. Tell him "I was just thinking about you and knew you must be having a hard day wanted to make sure you got something good to eat" "I brought a 6 pack of your favorite beer, thought you could use a break from all this work"

He will appreciate it for sure and will make him feel thought of and cared about. Taking stress off of him can only work to your advantage, as maybe then he will be more able to give you more time and attention when you need it.