Emotionally Abused by 3 year BF..HELP!
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Emotionally Abused by 3 year BF..HELP!
| Wed, 09-22-2004 - 7:03pm |
I dont know what to do. This guy and I have been together for 3 years. Within the last 2 years his "abusive side" has REALLY come out. He constantly tells me.. insults, demeans, ignores (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and control everything I do. Even if he isn't physically there to stop me from doing or saying something, I already have this "conditioned behavior" to do what he wants me to do! He makes me feel like a disposable person... if a person at all. I can sit there and CRY MY EYES OUT and he will just yell, scream, threaten to leave, or plain out just whistle to drown me out. This person use to love me, respect me, and treat me like no one has ever treated me before. Whenever we are arguing he always says "here we go again, you always go on and on, everyday ... you never stop do you." I can't take it ANYMORE.
We live together and I love him so much, I constantly try to find ways I can make our relationship better, healthier and it feels hopeless. Just last night I was telling him how we hardly spend time together when he isn't working. He said well we always fight when we are together. I said, "Well then we shouldn't be together at all then" He said you are right we shouldn't. I think that he doesn't care about me or our relationship as much as he cares about "playing guitar and porn"
We ran into a porn issue in the past. Him sneaking around and I found out. When I bring it to his attention that if he is honest with me then I would be OK about it, he assures me that he isn't doing anything. Well, he always is. It makes me sad because he says that when he is on the computer he is looking for guitar tabs, and so many times in the past that isn't what he was doing. He "can't" spend time with me because he is on the computer doing who knows what and that makes me feel like a useless piece of $hit. If he has lied about the porn stuff, neglects me, and mistreats me, can he possibly be cheating on me? PLEASE HELP MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!
We live together and I love him so much, I constantly try to find ways I can make our relationship better, healthier and it feels hopeless. Just last night I was telling him how we hardly spend time together when he isn't working. He said well we always fight when we are together. I said, "Well then we shouldn't be together at all then" He said you are right we shouldn't. I think that he doesn't care about me or our relationship as much as he cares about "playing guitar and porn"
We ran into a porn issue in the past. Him sneaking around and I found out. When I bring it to his attention that if he is honest with me then I would be OK about it, he assures me that he isn't doing anything. Well, he always is. It makes me sad because he says that when he is on the computer he is looking for guitar tabs, and so many times in the past that isn't what he was doing. He "can't" spend time with me because he is on the computer doing who knows what and that makes me feel like a useless piece of $hit. If he has lied about the porn stuff, neglects me, and mistreats me, can he possibly be cheating on me? PLEASE HELP MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!
-JANELLE

Your "life" is formed by the choices you make....and it sounds like you've made some poor ones? So...do you want to repeat the same thing over the next 3 years? Or alter your lifestyle and jet propel yourself into being happy?
It's clear that your b/f isn't happy with HIMSELF...and is transferring these feelings in your direction too! One person can't make a relationship better..."it takes two to tango!" (I'm quoting singer-musician, Todd Rundgren).
Pornography is his problem....keeping your sanity is YOURS! Get out of this...now!
Pianoguy
I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 2.5 years when I was in high school. I thought I loved him and he was my first real relationship so it was very hard to leave him and it hurt like hell but I did and after a couple of weeks it felt as though I had 1000 pounds lifted off my shoulders. I felt like a new person. There was no one in my life to make me feel like crap and I could learn to respect myself. It was a very liberating feeling. I know what you are going through.
Either kick his sorry butt out or see if you can stay with family or a friend. You need to leave as soon as you can. He thinks you will never have the courage and the strength to leave him but you need to. You will grow and learn from this experience and hopefully you will never take it from any man ever again.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, but maybe it's time you value yourself and work on your self-esteem. I mean, who cares if he cheating, you haven't left him for the abuse, if someone could prove he's cheating would you leave, or still bend over backwards trying to make it work?
YOU are NOT less than because of his actions, choices, decisions, behavior or his conditioning of you and until you know and believe you deserve better, you will remain where you are. You need to dig deep, figure yourself out, know you are not any of the things he says you are and move on.
Reading material:
Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher
Olive Juice...and Other Thoughts on Love, Heartbreak and Moving Forward by Eric Champnella
I Used to Miss Him...But My Aim is Improving: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide by Alison James
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon
Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse
Self Matters, Phil McGraw
The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
No Visible Wounds: Identifying Nonphysical Abuse of Women by Their Men by Mary Susan
The Verbal Abusive Relationships by Dr. Patricia Evans
Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse -- Gregory L. Jantz
I know this has probably been more harsh then you were looking for.... but I have to add and this is very brutal - what do you love, admire, trust, respect about him? I think love is not what you think it is in this relationship. Sounds like love is more a label you give to justify putting up with his behavior/actions/abuse, because why, only you can answer that - afraid of being alone, afraid of failing at a relationship, afraid no one else will come alone? You can't make him be the kind of man you want him to be.
My best to you on your healing path.
Edited 9/23/2004 1:20 am ET ET by itwinflame
Carrie
good luck