Emotionally Abused by 3 year BF..HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Emotionally Abused by 3 year BF..HELP!
4
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 7:03pm
I dont know what to do. This guy and I have been together for 3 years. Within the last 2 years his "abusive side" has REALLY come out. He constantly tells me.. insults, demeans, ignores (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and control everything I do. Even if he isn't physically there to stop me from doing or saying something, I already have this "conditioned behavior" to do what he wants me to do! He makes me feel like a disposable person... if a person at all. I can sit there and CRY MY EYES OUT and he will just yell, scream, threaten to leave, or plain out just whistle to drown me out. This person use to love me, respect me, and treat me like no one has ever treated me before. Whenever we are arguing he always says "here we go again, you always go on and on, everyday ... you never stop do you." I can't take it ANYMORE.

We live together and I love him so much, I constantly try to find ways I can make our relationship better, healthier and it feels hopeless. Just last night I was telling him how we hardly spend time together when he isn't working. He said well we always fight when we are together. I said, "Well then we shouldn't be together at all then" He said you are right we shouldn't. I think that he doesn't care about me or our relationship as much as he cares about "playing guitar and porn"

We ran into a porn issue in the past. Him sneaking around and I found out. When I bring it to his attention that if he is honest with me then I would be OK about it, he assures me that he isn't doing anything. Well, he always is. It makes me sad because he says that when he is on the computer he is looking for guitar tabs, and so many times in the past that isn't what he was doing. He "can't" spend time with me because he is on the computer doing who knows what and that makes me feel like a useless piece of $hit. If he has lied about the porn stuff, neglects me, and mistreats me, can he possibly be cheating on me? PLEASE HELP MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!

-JANELLE

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 7:26pm
mattysbabylove...

Your "life" is formed by the choices you make....and it sounds like you've made some poor ones? So...do you want to repeat the same thing over the next 3 years? Or alter your lifestyle and jet propel yourself into being happy?

It's clear that your b/f isn't happy with HIMSELF...and is transferring these feelings in your direction too! One person can't make a relationship better..."it takes two to tango!" (I'm quoting singer-musician, Todd Rundgren).

Pornography is his problem....keeping your sanity is YOURS! Get out of this...now!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 9:10pm
I am so sorry that you are hurting and going through this but why are you still with him? Love is NOT enough to make this relationship work or even make it better. He clearly has ZERO respect for you. He does not love you. You can not love someone and treat them as horribly as he treats you. You need to leave him now. No wonder you feel the way you feel.

I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 2.5 years when I was in high school. I thought I loved him and he was my first real relationship so it was very hard to leave him and it hurt like hell but I did and after a couple of weeks it felt as though I had 1000 pounds lifted off my shoulders. I felt like a new person. There was no one in my life to make me feel like crap and I could learn to respect myself. It was a very liberating feeling. I know what you are going through.

Either kick his sorry butt out or see if you can stay with family or a friend. You need to leave as soon as you can. He thinks you will never have the courage and the strength to leave him but you need to. You will grow and learn from this experience and hopefully you will never take it from any man ever again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:17am
Janelle,

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but maybe it's time you value yourself and work on your self-esteem. I mean, who cares if he cheating, you haven't left him for the abuse, if someone could prove he's cheating would you leave, or still bend over backwards trying to make it work?

YOU are NOT less than because of his actions, choices, decisions, behavior or his conditioning of you and until you know and believe you deserve better, you will remain where you are. You need to dig deep, figure yourself out, know you are not any of the things he says you are and move on.

Reading material:

Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher

Olive Juice...and Other Thoughts on Love, Heartbreak and Moving Forward by Eric Champnella

I Used to Miss Him...But My Aim is Improving: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide by Alison James

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

Self Matters, Phil McGraw

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

No Visible Wounds: Identifying Nonphysical Abuse of Women by Their Men by Mary Susan

The Verbal Abusive Relationships by Dr. Patricia Evans

Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse -- Gregory L. Jantz

I know this has probably been more harsh then you were looking for.... but I have to add and this is very brutal - what do you love, admire, trust, respect about him? I think love is not what you think it is in this relationship. Sounds like love is more a label you give to justify putting up with his behavior/actions/abuse, because why, only you can answer that - afraid of being alone, afraid of failing at a relationship, afraid no one else will come alone? You can't make him be the kind of man you want him to be.

My best to you on your healing path.


Edited 9/23/2004 1:20 am ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 2:22am
Okay I think you might possibly be jumping to conclusions a little bit. You are so upset that your mind is racing right now. If you don't have good evidence to believe that he is cheating on you, leave that out of your mind for now. You have enough to think about! Okay first I think you should evaluate your own behavior and actions in this relationship. Have you changed along with your man? By the examples you have posted in your message it sounds to me like your boyfriend is just tired of arguing... so he seems irritated everytime you get into it. This is the behavior of millions of men out there! Of course in the beginning of a relationship men usually act like they care a little more because most people put on a front. It's kind of like when you first start dating, you want to constantly look your best, can't fart in front of them kind of thing. Then after so many years of dating it's like "hey this is me!" So maybe you should sit back and look at the kind of things you argue about. Try to let the little things go for real because you have been with this man for three years. There has to be some really good qualities about him that you absolutely love. If he just gets on your nerves occasionally, that's not so bad. But if he is really making you feel bad about yourself, calling you names or you feel he isn't giving you any attention or doesn't care for you anymore, sit down and have a real heart to heart with him. You have to be willing to hear him out though. He might say some things to you that you are not going to want to hear, but honesty is the best policy. Maybe ya'll can work it out, but if you are truely miserable and not being treated the way you deserve, you need to move on and cut your losses. Life is too short!

good luck