Emotions flaring up.... for no reason?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2005
Emotions flaring up.... for no reason?
8
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 4:53am

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 and a half years now. I am a very direct, efficient, intellectual, pretty much unemotional person; my boyfriend, on the other hand, is a very easy going, daydreaming, indirect kind of person. For the time we've been dating he has had a knack for pointing out the obvious, which I usually just brush off with a playful "No...REALLY?"

These past few weeks, I've been getting really angry at him for doing things like that. When he asks an obvious or repetitive question, I have picked up a new habit of screaming at him and storming off. I am totally baffled as to why it would now throw me into a rage when he has done it all along.

It's not just his irritating habit of pointing out the obvious that angers me... now I've started hating his usual vacant, daydreaming stare (which I found adorable up to this point). No matter what he does now, I'm usually angry at him the entire day. I've thought about this quite a lot and I am totally clueless as to why I feel so much anger toward him so suddenly.

It's begun to build a lot of tension between us (no one likes being yelled at all day, of course). He keeps asking what he's doing wrong and I honestly have no answer for him. I have ceased to be sexually attracted to him due to me constantly being irritated by him. We've also stopped going out because the way he asks me out makes me angry too...

I have relatively little stress in my life at the moment, and I have been getting a lot of alone time that I had wanted. I want to get some kind of idea of what to do so that I can live comfortably with my boyfriend without me being so enraged and without him having to step on eggshells around me. If anyone has any suggestions for me at all I would be greatly appreciative.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 6:05am

He irritates you and you are no longer sexually attracted to him.

Rather than trying to live comfortably with a man who makes you rage and storm out, maybe it's time to ask yourself if the relationship has run its course and it's time to part. I have to think, if you're yelling at him all day, that that's what your boyfriend's doing.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 11:19am

Firstly, no matter what you feel, it's not fair or healthy to take it out on your boyfriend. If you can't stand him, if there are so many things about him that bother you, then it's best to break off, best for both of you. If you choose to do so, don't blame him for it either. Let him know that right now you are having all kinds of feelings and that you're upset. He's been a good boyfriend, but you need time to get your head straight.


Often feelings that we have repressed come up and it seems like they take over from out of nowhere. Clearly, there are aspects of this guy that you cannot accept. You seem to judge him heavily for who he is. It's not good for him or for you to keep this kind of relationship going. It seems as though you want a different kind of guy. Go and find the person you'd like to be with, but don't crush your boyfriend in the process. I'm sure there are many lovely things about him that would make someone else happy. There's no reason for him to end up feeling he's a failure. It's just that he doesn't suit you.


What would also be helpful here is for you to focus on all the good things about him, things you respect and value. This would calm the anger down. It doesn't mean you should stay with him, but it will help you treat him with more respect. When we hurt another, in the long run we are always hurt ourselves.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 12:11pm

Welcome to the board flippymcdoogle,


What's changed in your life recently?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 12:22pm

The other advice is right; if his little quirks irritate you so much, think about when you live together. You said there's relatively little stress in your life, so this is probably its own issue not compounded by any life trauma. There will always be men who have irritating habits, but the answer is, can you live with them? If his idiosyncrasies are causing you so much anger and stress that you're just not attracted to him anymore, it's probably best to let him go... Perhaps he will find a girl who will stare vacantly back

Two different people will either compliment one another wonderfully or irritate one another endlessly. I think you can find someone whose little quirks you are happy to put up with, or maybe even enjoy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2005
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 12:51pm
That's the thing though.. I can't break up with him at this point. I have too much invested in him for me to just let go. If I were going to just break up with him, I wouldn't have even sought out advice for this problem.
"Just break up with him" is the cowards' way out and I intend to figure this out. My boyfriend is also willing to do whatever it takes for me to get a hold of this... he just needs to know what it is he can do.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 2:31pm

<>

Neither of you is getting any return on your "investment" anymore.

If you were losing money on an investment, would you continue with it because of time and money you've spent? Or would you cut your losses?

I would echo the advice to pick up a few of those books. Maybe those will give you some insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 4:35pm

I've dated someone for 4 years, invested my whole life in him, got engaged, realized that we weren't compatible, tried to fight the feeling of not being attracted to him anymore because "I had too much invested,"(yes I said those words too) and I was able to break up with him after a long struggle. If I can do it, you can. I'm not saying you have to break up with this guy, but I want to point out that saying "I can't" is so untrue. You CAN do anything you want, you just might not be at the point yet where it's bad enough to want to. You're obviously not happy with him. One of the biggest mistakes we make is saying to ourselves "it would work out IF ONLY..."

Do what makes you happy. If this guy made you happy then you wouldn't be here.

For the record, I'm with someone much better now and my life couldn't be happier. I can't imagine where I'd be if I'd stayed with my ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 5:23pm
On the one hand, I think you should make an attempt to fix the situation since it doesn't sound like you've done anything about it yet. Hopefully, it's just a phase on your end. But if you feel like you're getting nowhere, you should take into account that you may have outgrown your boyfriend at this point in your life. Good luck.