Empowerment or mid life crisis???
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| Thu, 05-10-2007 - 11:30am |
I am 48 years old and my life has just seemed to take a weird turn. I have made the very sad decision to end my current relationship. He and I have been together for almost 18 months and I love him more than I have ever loved anyone BUT...he lacks in some areas that I truly need. Recently I have found myself overweight and unhealthy and I believe it has to do with my personal relationships. Prior to meeting my b/f I had lost 100 lbs with some left to go and was feeling amazing. We met and fell in love and I have gained 30 of those 100 lbs back and I am miserable yet I love him so much. I have been toying with the idea of walking away for a few months which has caused me great anguish. This anguish appears to have damaged my relationship with my best friend. My best friend and I have known each for 13 years and he's like my right arm. BUT over the past few months he has been distant and on Sunday I found out that he had shared some personal emails that I had sent him with a co-worker. I hung up the phone crying and haven't spoken to him since. This is uncommon for us as we are very very close. As I mull it all over I realize that my best friend hasn't really been the friend that I need in my life as well. I can't believe I am even considering breaking free from both of them. WOW...everytime I think about it I know that neither of them have been a healthy choice for me.
I am so confused because this is so random and sudden for me. I am so afraid that I am making a huge mistake. My b/f doesn't give me what I need and I need to empower myself again and lose the rest of the weight and I won't be able to do it with him around. As for the best friend he has damaged the trust so badly that I don't know if we can recover.
I was a strong woman who made clear choices in this life and somewhere in the past 18 months I lost focus on what I want and who I am. I want it back but am I overreacting? Do I breathe a bit before making either decision????? Can I do this and rebuild the trust at the same time...I can't imagine life without my best friend. BUT he isn't what a best friend should be.
Frani

You don't mention what it is your boyfriend has or hasn't done to make it more difficult for you to lose the weight. However, if it really is something about the relationship that's holding you back from being a better person, then you're probably doing the right thing by leaving.
In regards to your best friend, I think friendships are a little different than romantic relationships. With romantic relationships, you really need to break things off completely in order to get over the person. With a friendship, if you feel things aren't going well, you can still maintain some contact without being as close as you were before. If your feel friend isn't being a good enough friend, you can put more time and energy into maintaining other friendships, but still talk to him occasionally.
I had a friendship kind of like yours. I was best friends with the girl for eight years, but then towards the end I realized that she had never been much of a friend. At that point, she also wasn't returning my calls and e-mails at all. I left her a message that guaranteed things would be over between us. I kind of needed to do that at that point because otherwise I would have kept waiting and wondering if I was going to hear from. Doing that gave me the closure that I needed. I do wish though that we could have maintained some contact with each other. I would have been really interested to see how her life turned out. Also, I'm looking at jobs recently that are in her area, and it would be useful to have some connection to somebody in the area.
My b/f is a great guy...biggest heart you have ever seen BUT he was divorced after many years of being married which was NOT his idea and he is so guarded with his heart that he hasn't to this point been able to give it to me completely. I need him to be open to loving me as much as he can and I desire that from a man as any woman would. I don't want to settle for someone who can't love me wholly. He tries so hard to love me BUT he just can't seem to let go. I have loved this man like no one in my whole life. We work together so it's going to be difficult to separate from him and I know that it's going to break his heart. It's the last thing I want but I need so much more than he will ever be able to give me. He has been alone for so long as well that he is quite selfish and does what he wants with some compromise but just not enough. He has gained some weight over the past 5 years and he is quite self-concious about it. He is uncomfortable around new people and it's like pulling teeth to spend time with my family. He prefers to spend his holidays alone. The only person he truly gives his heart to is his beautiful daughter who sees him a couple times a year. I have yet to meet her and there isn't any plan for that. I know she knows I exist but haven't had the pleasure of meeting her. Not sure what she tells him but after she's been here for a week or so visiting he is the man I want him to be but it fades over a few days and we are back to square one.
I can't even fathom being without him. When I look into his face it's like someone I have known forever.
Thanks for responding.
Frani