to end or not to end
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to end or not to end
| Sat, 11-10-2007 - 9:45pm |
I have been with my husband for 9 years. married for 8 years. I have been there for him throught prison and jails and drug proublems. I work on and off. Now he cant even work because he has so many things going on with him. He has to have back surgery. All I want in love love and attention from him but I cant even get that. I do everything. I take care of him and our two kids. I also had to start a new job because we was not making it. All I want in him to make love to me even try something else but he always has some excuse.

You are deeply questioning if you are with the right partner…right?
From the outside, going from exactly what you have written me, I'd have to honestly say my concerns match yours about that.
Great relationships are made when partners are pretty close to one another on the level of skill, commitment and consciousness. In other words, two people who are pretty unconscious and reactive fit well together, because they both have similar learning to achieve and hopefully can turn things around if sufficiently motivated.
To the point, you exhibit the classic signs of an "enabler" -- someone who is prone to getting involved with bad or addicted partners and co-enable them. I very much encourage you to change your focus here -- and put it on yourself.
It's time to put away your focus on "him" -- and look at yourself. You need to see why in the world -- especially with all the immediate warnings you were getting -- you found yourself so attracted to such an obviously unhealthy and addicted guy.
While I appreciate that you are a very caring and giving woman, you must look at the places you are going way overboard. Unless you really insist on being a caregiver for the rest of your life -- and are willing to keep playing out the kinds of dramas you have been experiencing.
I suggest you let this be a big warning sign -- about the things you need to address in yourself. A healthy person would have walked away when he was incarcerated. But they would have stayed away. If you want to be able to have a truly healthy and happy relationship in your future, you need to come to terms with what keeps you in this unhealthy relationship.
It's time to stop focusing on how you can help the other person. And put your focus on the only person you can ever help on this planet -- you. Sorry to be so blunt and relentless here, but you are exhibiting classic behavioral and emotional patterns. You need to change.
Welcome to the board tattoomomma,
Have the two of you considered counseling? Have you tried to not always respond from the 'mom' point-of-view?
It seems you're down to the end of your rope and are at your last resort. I suggest asking him to go into counseling with you. At best, it will help him to see that you need him as an equal and not an extra child. At worst, he'll say "no" and that will be the end of that because you will have been able to gauge his sincerity and interest in the relationship.
I truly hate coming to this option, but if he really doesn't care enough to try or go to counseling with you, then you should consult a divorce attorney. You shouldn't have to put the whole weight of the family on your shoulders, and unfortunately at this point it looks like you would be a better family without him.