Engaged and confused..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Engaged and confused..
6
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 11:55am

Hi

My boyfriend proposed 2 months ago and we're engaged and in the midst of planning for a wedding. We've been together 6 years now and though we have very different personalities and some rough patches over the last few years, we love each other very much. I'm very happy with him, except on the life-long goals - he's not established his career (and not financially stable yet), and he's generally laid-back about life, not knowing what his life ambitions are. This scares me because i'm worried that he'll continue drifting on the rest of his life. I'm a go-getter in life and this doesn't sit well with me!

After I got engaged, I did consider if i should re-consider the engagement because there was something that didn't feel 100% right. Yet when we spend time just enjoying each other's company over the weekend, not discussing anything serious or wedding related, i'll feel so relaxed and comfortable that i won't bring up the issue.

Last night at a business party, i met this gorgeous guy and he started flirting with me, whispering in my ear and telling me jokes the whole time. I was kinda attracted to this cute guy, mostly because he was giving me so much attention. He started putting his hand behind my back, putting his face next to mine (to chat, cos it was so noisy) and just ignored everyone else. It felt soo exciting and I just don't know what got over me, i was actually enjoying it and reciprocating, touching his hand and leaning on his shoulder!

At one point, i actually wondered what i would do if he kisses me! The thing that urks me is not whether he wanted to kiss me or not (he didn't, or couldn't, cos his colleague hung around us the whole time) but why did i have such a thought?! Did that mean that i wanted him to kiss me?

I'm so confused now! That guy went back to his country and he dropped me this really sweet email about keeping in touch and meeting up at the next trade show! He's going to get married in February 08 with his girlfriend of 7 years! I feel terrible, but what is wrong? Is there a problem with my relationship, or is this just a case of pre-nuptial jitters, or perhaps my relationship has gotten so stable that there's no excitement anymore?

Also - i can't believe i'm not going to ever sleep with anyone else for the rest of my life! What's wrong with me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 12:06pm

Welcome to the board ceraac,


It could be 'cold feet' but I'm not sure. I think you got a taste of excitement and it's shown you that you and your guy don't have the same life-long goals.


Reading material to consider:


Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis


There Goes the Bride: Making Up Your Mind, Calling it Off and Moving On by Rachel Safier






iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 12:26pm
I agree with itwinflame. I think you got a really important wake-up call about your goals together. If I were you I'd be seriously rethinking marriage; it's not right to get married to someone hoping that they will change in the future. If he's gone six years without starting a career (wow) then you need to assume that he doesn't intend to. Your feelings for someone else are not necessarily a sign of anything, but it would help to deal with the relationship you have now than focus on your feelings about people outside your relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 12:33pm

to be fair to him, he's only started working for about 2 years since we graduated. it's not a long time, but he's not in a rush to establish himself, still trying to figure out which industry works for him..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 1:59pm
My advice remains the same, the point is that he's not really motivated to get a career together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 2:38pm

"to be fair to him, he's only started working for about 2 years since we graduated."


So the two of you are only about 24, and have been together since you were approximately 18?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 3:48pm

24 (if Geoteo is right)