Engaged and feeling depressed
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| Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:23am |
My fiancee and I were living together for year before we got engaged (early March), then moved from LA and decided to save some up money to buy a house by living with our parents. So since early March, I've been shuffling between my fiancee's dad and stepmom's two-bedroom/one-bathroom apartment and my parents' house. He can't stay more than a night or two at my parents' house because he's allergic to their cats. So either I'm with him at his dad's or I'm without him at my parents'.
The problems are these: His dad is basically an un-admitted alcoholic who also smokes marijuana, and his stepmom is great in some ways but a little nutso in others. My fiancee also smokes, which I wouldn't mind as much if it weren't so often and with his dad--so they smoke together and talk, and I don't smoke and I get to a point where I don't feel like I can be involved with the conversation. Plus, his dad just talks nonstop and most of the time it's just blabber and there's only so much of that I can take. Also, his dad just lost his job, so his stepmom is freaking out. She cried herself to sleep last night. At my parents' house, it's fine, but there's also only so much of them I can take. I don't feel like my fiancee and I can really be ourselves together very often, and I'm feeling pretty neglected. He has been coming home (to his dad's) and doing work on the computer while smoking and while his dad just talks to the back of his head. I can't sit in the room with them because then his dad expects me to listen to his blabber. I know it's for a good cause, and we can't afford to buy anything now, but I don't know how to deal with this. I've already talked to my fiancee about it and he convinced me that this is the right thing, that it would be a waste for us to rent or try to buy right now because we don't have enough saved. So I'm trying to buck up and have a better attitude, but I'm losing my sense of humor.

Are you sure you want to marry into this family? Their pathologies will become your headaches. Life is hard enough without VOLUNTEERING for problems.
Really think about this.
Carrie
Well, maybe it's good for you to see all this. When you marry someone, you also marry their famiily, especially when your fiancee is so close to his dad. And all that smoking? Is that something you want in your life. Take a good look at what you see now. A person doesn't change. Why would things be different after you married? If I were you I would become really clear on what it is I want in a marriage and a partner. Then see if what you have fits those needs. An engagment is a time of bonding between a couple and also understanding more about each other. If you feel left out now (due to not smoking), this is a very bad sign. Don't ignore what's going on. Communicate clearly to your fiancee how you're feeling and what you need.
All best wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
I think you should spend a lot more time at your parent's house and really think about this.
Marriage won't make this situation better. Listen to your inner voice. Get out now while you can!!